bored and lonely.

Nothing seems to happen anymore. Bored. Boring. No passion. Life just goes by. Somedays quicker. Somedays slower. It’s like I’m waiting for something miraculous to happen. Everyone around me is living. Living for something…work, spouses, children…not me. I live for nothing. No more hockey. No more soccer. No more tennis. No more family. No more…what the hell happened to life? All I do is fuck and I’m even bored with that. What happens to people when they become bored with everything that life has to offer? Periodic periods of excitement. Then boredom. Patterns. Wake up. Two waffles. Shower. Jerk off. Out the door. Starbuck’s latte. Read bukowski for an hour. Work. Sell shoes. Talk to girls. Flirt with girls. Talk about bullshit stories. They’re true. But still bullshit. Eat lunch. Read the newspaper. Look at more girls. Build up is happening. Talk to more girls. Flirt with more girls. Check my messages. “you have one new message”. Excitement. Who is it? Wait…wait…wait…a hang up. Frustrated. Pop a pill. Calms me down. Calm. Look at girls. Take a shit. Flush the toilet. Wipe my hands. Sometimes don’t wipe. Look at myself in the mirror. Nothing changes. Back out “on the floor”. Irritated by guys. Turned on by girls. Getting horny. Six o’clock. Work is over. Check messages…again. One new message. Excited. Panicky. My mom. “you owe me $500 on the american express card. I’m going to cancel the card.”…AGAIN. walk home. Order pizza. Take clothes off. Pick up pizza. Get turned on by young waitress. Over tip. Walk upstairs. Eat pizza. Watch hockey. Flush remaining slices down the toilet. Use plunger to unplug toilet. Turn off tv. Turn off lights. Fill up water bottle. Go to my room. The dust filled room. Lie on my mattress that is on the floor. The dust filled mattress that is on the floor. Pull out a porno magazine. Not playboy. Not penthouse. Not swank. BARELY 18. watch and jerk. Turn music on. Turn music off. Sweat and jerk. Turn lights off. Close porno mag. Think of sexy girls I saw all day. Think hard…jerk…sweat…think some more…moan…jerk. REST. No come. No load. Just sweat. Start again. Focus. Focus. Focus. FOCUS!!! SWEATING…JERKING…HARDER…HARDER…HARDER…IT’S HERE AND BOOM!!!
It’s over. Magazine’s away. Load in hand. Palm of my left hand. Transported to tissue paper. Transported to garbage bin. Sweating. Drink water. Pop a pill to make me sleep. Turn radio on. Talk show on the Leafs. Listen to the idiots talk. Go to sleep. Wake up. Take a leak. Stuffed up. Go back to sleep. At least attempt to go back to sleep. Toss and turn. Finally asleep. Time to get up. A brand new day. The exact same as the last.