real careers in a sleazy world.

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another rainy day outside.

i love rainy days.

i, somehow, am more artistic on rainy days.

less distractions.

think more.

feel more.

i have so much joy to give but still have no money and hardly a job.

human connection is my addiction. use it wisely. use it for good. use it to listen and feel and DO NOT JUDGE.

am i talking to myself? perhaps…

yes…be good on myself. be easy on myself. love myself.

own my intelligence.

own my big heart.

own my big soul.

do i need a real career?

do i need a real career in THEIR SOCIETY?

A SOCIETY FILLED WITH SNAKES.

sick, disgusting, vile politicians.

why do we allow them to run and ruin our world?

where have our hearts gone?

why has our society valued money over love?

love.

love.

love.

the goal is to open up more and love more.

allow.

i refuse to have relationships without good conversation.

i cannot sit still.

go out and meet people.

connect.

talk.

listen.

love.

create.

get rid of stress.

get rid of perfection.

get rid of judgements.

ACTION.

ACTION.

ACTION.

LET’S GO.

MOVE AND SHAKE.

SHAKE YOUR BOOTY.

GO.

GO.

GO.

I CANNOT SIT STILL IN A SHITTY TOWN.

age is NOT just a number.

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i see lonely people in coffee shops.

big line-ups at drive thru coffee shops.

overweight women with black tights and big baggy sweatshirts carrying four coffees and a big box of timbits and i wonder why we do what we do.

why do we eat such crappy food with no nutritional value?

why do we let ourselves get so out of shape?

why do we not go and see a psychotherapist when we clearly need one?

why do we live where we don’t want to live?

why do we hang onto the hearts of people who don’t have hearts?

why have so many of our youth become sexual props instead of strong men and strong women?

the houses are dull.

the cars are dull.

the clothing is dull.

the conversations are dull.

the jobs are dull.

working to pay off the hydro bill and the insurance bill.

then there’s the phone bill.

the cable bill.

the credit card bill.

groceries.

gas.

money.

money.

money.

why do i complicate my life?

why can’t i write a single “to do” list and simply complete that list?

adhd coaching…WHERE ARE YOU???

how much money do you cost?

can i add your services to the rest of my monthly bills?

aging.

i feel the aging process more now than before.

maybe it is because i am older.

i still…i sit still.

silence.

ponder.

when i sit still and ponder i feel deeply.

remove the distractions.

remove the judgements.

remove the negativity.

CREATE AND ALLOW AND TRSUT AND TRY.

BIG SAD FISH.

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i continue my journey.

monday morning.

no more monday morning blues.

each day is a new day to grow.

each day is a new day to learn.

each day is a new day to give up old habits and bring in new and more empowering ones.

be open.

be vulnerable.

be present.

be.

me.

keep opening up my heart.

keep opening up into my soul.

i caught a big fish last night.

i was ice fishing with a big group of buddies.

i put my line in and pulled out a big fish right away.

but i, instantly, felt bad for the fish.

i didn’t want to hurt the fish.

i asked others to take the hook out of it’s mouth.

then the fish just sat there.

laid there.

a huge group of people watching me. i wanted to throw the fish back in the lake. back in the hole.

i sat and thought.

i sat and felt.

loud groups of people surrounded me. i kept telling them that i wanted to throw the fish back in the lake.

they called me a “sissy” and a “wimp”.

they called me a “pussy”.

i sat there stuck in thought.

stuck in my feelings.

i felt the burning stares.

i felt the judgements.

i felt the anxieties.

but then i made my decision and made my move.

i grabbed a plate and scooped up the sad and dying fish and quickly walked it to the small fishing hole in the ice.

people yelling at me.

people judging me.

people mocking me.

i fought through the heckles and judgements and placed the fish back in the water.

I DID WHAT I WANTED TO DO.

I LISTENED TO MY HEART.

I LISTENED TO MY SOUL.

I TRUSTED ME AND DID WHAT I FELT WAS RIGHT DESPITE THE MOCKING AND JUDGEMENTS.

DO THE RIGHT THING.

BE ME.

sunday night heat flashes.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

three days of drinking, jerking, drinking some more and jerking some more.

i am now tired, beaten down, depressed, sad, lonely, and filled with SHAME.

why do i do this to myself?

why can’t i move forward?

why can’t i make decisions and be strong and open and vulnerable and available to my wife and daughter?

why do i have great advice for other’s but can’t use this same advice on myself?

my face is hot.

i am red and sweaty.

i am uncomfortable and i miss my dog.

i miss my wife and daughter too.

i also miss my dad.

it is sunday evening and i am alone and reflective.

is there any hope for me?

any hope for my family?

why is everything so difficult?

i miss youthful love.

i miss youthful exuberance.

i miss youthful innocence.

i miss youthful hope.

i am filled with anger.

i am filled with love.

i am filled with hope (somewhat).

i am filled with demons.

demonic life and demonic opportunities.

demons getting the best of me as i sit beaten down, tired, and alone and the itchy burn that is constantly there is winning the battle.

WAKE UP.

STAND UP.

FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE.

FIGHT FOR MY LIFE.

FUCK EVERYONE AND TAKE ACTION.

heat flashes have now started.

debaucherous at fifty-eight is different than debaucherous at twenty-eight.

i have matured in my debauchery.

i now wake up in my own home.

NO MORE WALKS OF SHAME.

NO MAS.

OLD RICH WHITE BORES.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

twenty-five years into a new century.

time has flown by.

TWENTY-FIVE YEARS!!!

what have i done?

i met a girl.

we had a child.

we became a family.

a family constantly struggling with finances.

a family struggling with mental health issues.

few trips.

few dollars.

few moments of joy.

TWENTY-FIVE FUCKING YEARS!!!

we can’t go back.

i would love to go back.

bad choices and bad decisions have ruled my life.

what is the issue?

what was the issue?

no guidance?

no love?

no dad?

adhd?

childhood trauma?

addiction?

sexual assault?

love.

love.

love.

IF YOU DON’T GET LOVE FROM YOUR FAMILY WHERE DO YOU GET IT FROM?

random fucks.

wanting accolades.

wanting approval.

searching for confidence.

searching for compliments.

messy brains and messy houses.

messy families.

messy yards.

why are we so messy?

why are we so dull?

why are we so predictable?

why do so many of us follow the rules?

rules made hundreds of years ago by OLD RICH WHITE FAKE RELIGIOUS BORES.

are their rules serving you?

are their rules fair?

are their rules outdated?

FUCKING DOGS BARKING AND WHINING.

why get a dog if you don’t care about it?