help?

   I’m feeling weak.  Sunday.  I hate Sunday’s.  two more nights of heavy drinking.  Blackouts.  Breasts.  Money down the drain.  Why?  What’s it all for?  I’m still searching for that perfect girl.  Excitement.  Why can’t I relax and stay home with a girl.  A twenty one year old girl.  Great body.  Loves to fuck.  It was all planned.  She’d be here at nine o’clock.  I wake up at seven and quickly rush out the door.  I need to drink.  Let her down.  I felt bad.  Feelings still there.  I ignore them.  All the time.  Excitement.  Going nuts.  Hands on top of breasts.  Screaming.  Laughing.  Drinking.  Need a phone.  But I spend all my money on booze.  Why?  FUN.  But it’s all over.  Sunday night lying in bed.  Depressed.  Thinking.  Knowing tomorrow will be filled with heat flashes.  Sweating.  Out of shape.  Ugly.  Worthless.  Down and out.  Need money.  What is happening?  Need answers.  Direction.  HELP!!!  Trying to piece the night together.  Flabby.  Scared.  Lonely.  Sadness.  Saying “bye” to Mom.  She’s all alone.  Tears.  Chinese food all over my sheets.  I’M A PIG.  Life is continuing to pass me by.  HELP!!!  No energy.  Sundays.