hold on.

  I have been thinking about death lately.  Fear of dying always there.  I don’t want to die.  I am going to die.  I don’t want to leave Triggy and Rylee.  Why do we have to die?  Why did Dad die?  I will never see my Dad again.  When I die I will never see Triggy and Rylee again.  I should cherish every moment I have with them.  I don’t.  I bitch and bark.  I bark and bitch.  Time never still.  Always moving.  Loving LOVE.  SAD.  My Mom lonely.  All alone.  Looking out the kitchen window.  Smoking her half-smoked cigarette.  Wrinkled.  Old.  Lonely.  Sad.  Dying herself.  Dying alone.  Pushing everyone away.  Hardened arteries.  Hardened heart.  Cold.  Sleeping alone in her big bed.  Time moving too quickly.  Death nears.  Living her last years lonely and sad.  Not knowing how to show love anymore.  Running hugs from Rylee.  Smiles.  Screams.  Cries.  Kisses.  Laughter.  FULL OF LIFE.  Holding her.  Kissing her.  Sleeping with her.  Cuddling her.  Never wanting to let go of her.  Crying.  Dying.  Leaving her and Triggy all alone.  Tears flowing.  Heaven?  Why lie?  Don’t die.  DAD DON’T DIE.  DON’T DIE.  DON’T DIE.  PLEASE DON’T DIE.  DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!  Years flying by.  Closer to death.  Closer to leaving Triggy.  Closer to leaving Rylee.  Never seeing them again.  Crying once again.  Real.  Honest.  Caring.  Mad.  Sad.  Hungry.  Edgy.  Sick.  Pasty.  Blurry.  Crying once again.  I feel like I am PMSing.  Can men PMS?  Loving once again.  I want to sleep with Rylee and Nicole tonight.  LOVE.  NEVER LET GO.  EVER.  EVER.  DON’T…TEARS.  DAD.  MOM.  SAD.  DOM?   SAD.  PHONY.  BITCHY.  CUNTY.  PHONY ONCE AGAIN.  CRYING ONCE AGAIN.  Rylee…Triggy…DON’T LEAVE!!!