tired.

i wake up in my daughter’s bunk bed and look around.  alone.  always alone.  my daughter and wife are in the master bedroom.  sleeping.  always sleeping.  my head is pounding.  my mouth is pasty.  my mind is blurry.  i nervously stand up and look for my clothes.  my glasses.  my wallet.  i find all three.  i slide open the bedroom door and put on the coffee.  head still pounding.  mind still blurry.  i walk to the bathroom and take a piss.  i flush the toilet and stare into the mirror.  ugly.  i exit the bathroom and walk back into the living room.  i turn on the tv and then look into the master bedroom to see my wife and daughter.  they are sleeping.  still.  i walk back into the living room and stumble onto the couch.  the coffee beeps.  i get up and put cream and sugar into my coffee and then take a spoon and stir.  i put the spoon down on the counter and walk back to the living room and sit down once again on the couch.  i fart.  then i take a big sip of coffee.  head pounding still.  tired.  always tired.  life is getting the better of me.  i am getting older and wiser.  my Dad died over thirty five years ago and my Mom will soon die.  the cycle of life.  sad but true.  i will eventually die.  and then my wife will die. and therefore we will not see our daughter grow up.  this saddens me.  it also angers me.  i am no longer fooled by bad movies.  bad food.  bad books and bad tv.  the world is filled with fakes and phonies and i am attempting to avoid all of them.  i drink lots of wine and last night i had ten too many…again.  as i sip my coffee i try to piece the night together but it is impossible.  i have blood on my right shoe and a small scratch on my left cheek.  the phone rings and i tense up.  i hear my wife wake up and this scares me.  “WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT???”  just recently i found my life to be dull and boring and now i sit in shame and fear.  i long for the dull days.  “how are you feeling today?” my wife asks with a scowl.  “good…why?”  i answer with a lie.  “are you sure???”  “yeah…I think.”  my wife gets a cup and pours a coffee.  she puts a bit of cream and a bit of sugar into it and then stirs just like i did.  married couples copy each other.  how very cute.  she then walks over to the living room ands sits on the couch opposite me.  she takes a sip of her coffee and asks once again,  “how are you feeling???”  i stare straight into her eyes and say, “i’m sorry.”  not sure what for.  we have a staring contest and then my daughter comes out of the master bedroom and runs to her.  she holds her tight.  she also stares right at me.  she has a scowl on her face too.  i am tired.  weak.  unconditional love seemingly absent.  we all sit in silence.  life slowly ticking away.  eyes tired and blurry.  head still pounding and mouth still pasty.  i want to climb a mountain.  i also want to sit on a beach.