please slow down time. please.

Jack Tait looked in the mirror above his bed and saw age.  saw wrinkles.  saw tired eyes and tired skin.  he felt fine but age doesn’t lie.  many people try to escape from getting old but Jack Tait knew this was a futile attempt at prolonging a life that sometimes isn’t worth prolonging.  he knew that there is no way of escaping death.  he knew that he could get facelifts and tummy tucks and hair transplants and liposuction and inject his lips with other poisons but it did not fix the initial problem…”I AM GETTING OLD AND I WILL EVENTUALLY DIE AND THAT WILL BE SHITTY BECAUSE I LOVE LIFE AND NEVER WANT TO DIE.”
Jack Tait looked outside at his empty fields and empty driveway and wondered where all of his youth went.  where his life went.  he was once a little child with big open eyes and a big smile with a big mouth and an even bigger heart.  he laughed.  he played.  he ran in the park and swam in the ponds.  he collected Preying Mantis’ and butterflies and even caught some fish.  he would play baseball and soccer and football and tennis in the summer and then he would play hockey in the winter.  he remembered his Dad bringing him to early morning hockey practices.  he also remembered getting stitches on his bleeding chin after he fell on the ice.  he remembered playing “kick the can”.  he also remembered throwing snowballs at cars and playing “knicky knicky nine doors”.  he remembered his first school dance in grade 8 where the girls stood against one wall while the tough boys stood against the other (scared shittless).  he remembered Stairway To Heaven playing and it lasted a very long time.  fun times.  fun friends.  fun parents.  fun.  fun.  fun.
Jack Tait also remembered his Dad dying and sirens and panic in his Mom’s eyes and Mom’s heart.  he remembered his Nana dying too.  he then remembered his Mom almost dying from a drug overdose.  screams.  then being separated from his Mom for a month while she was in a hospital.  Jack Tait remembered having a BIG BROTHER.  the kind you get when you don’t have a Dad anymore.  the man was nice but nothing was going to replace Jack’s Dad.
Jack Tait then remembered being in high school and being small and nervous and wishing he had a male influence in his life for a scary time in his life.  a time when men grow and women grow too.  sometimes growing together and then a family grows and one by one the family gets bigger and happier and life takes over and rules are made and rules are broken and fights then break out and nasty words are said and tears are shed and then life sometimes stops and tears come again.  and families get smaller and then families get even smaller as people leave and then they get their own families and then sometimes you don’t end up seeing your family.  ever.  never.
Jack Tait remembered surviving high school.  fights.  girls.  drunken nights.  missed appointments.  missed opportunities.  missed days.  foggy nights.  crappy brown uniforms but nice teachers and a nice soccer field.  he remembered drinking before doing speeches in Religion class.  he also remembered getting really drunk at dances and having the courage to “hit on” the beautiful girl in his homeroom class.  Jack Tait got rejected but he remembered having courage.  he eventually fucked his first girl.  he remembered that girl.  not so much now but he remembered her twenty years ago.  Jack Tait then remembered having shitty jobs cutting lawns and getting in fights with his lonely and angry Mom.  he remembered wasting (?) much of his twenties on booze, drugs, and girls.  fun times in a fun world but problematic times too.  arrests.  fights.  blackouts.  no money and no direction.  Jack Tait remembered all of this.  he also remembered getting sexually molested by some old Greek man who picked him up while he hitchhiked.  he remembered that one very vividly.  he wondered why he allowed it but he did.  many questions and never any answers for Jack Tait.
Jack Tait then remembered getting angry and fighting people and fighting things.  he remembered that he overcompensated for allowing an old Greek man to molest him and not do anything about it.
Jack Tait then remembered fucking many girls and not loving them.  he remembered the excitement.  he remembered the passion.  he remembered the thrill of the chase and the thrill of the unknown.  Jack Tait then remembered having three girlfriends and they were great and it was so much fun but then Jack remembered it always ended in sorrow and despair.  sadness and loss.  Jack Tait remembered the good old days but as he started remembering he realized that there were many bad days in the good old days.
Jack Tait then remembered meeting one girl that ended up lasting longer than the other girls.  Jack Tait remembered wanting to see her in the hallways of his College and getting nervous when he talked to her.  he remembered “making out” in the darkroom at school and then “making out” in her car.  he also remembered having sex with her for the first time and it was amazing!!!  he then remembered moving in with her and then breaking up with her and then getting back with her and then breaking up with her and then getting her pregnant and then having an abortion and Jack Tait remembers feeling terrible because he didn’t go with the girl to the hospital to be by her side while she went through a very difficult time.
Jack Tait then remembered she left for Alberta so he followed her.  he remembered fun times hiking in the mountains but then he remembered she broke up with him again and life went in a different direction again.
Jack Tait then remembers how he liked Calgary and fucked many girls there too but he missed his friends and so he came back to Toronto.  he remembers going to Theatre School and having fun.  and he remembers living alone in a dingy little basement apartment where he ate mushrooms and had threesomes and one time he even had a fivesome.
Jack Tait remembers auditioning and he remembers putting on plays and having baths.  he remembers bad hangovers and Starbucks.
Jack Tait was about to fall asleep when he remembered the girl who saved him from “nothingness” and made him human in an otherwise inhumane world.  he remembered the night he met her and the excitement for a beautiful girl.  he remembered chasing her around the bar and offering his phone number to her many many times.  then he remembered losing out on her to someone else but then he remembered being persistent and eventually being with her.
he remembered the great times.  great times doing nothing but hanging out with each other and watching movies and drinking coffee and drinking lots of booze at night and having sex all day.  great sex!!!  he remembers her smile and her walk.  he remembers waking up beside her and holding her and not wanting to let go. he remembered the time that they were driving and touching each other and then the brakes didn’t work and panic set in as their car was about to hit the car in front of them but then somehow someway the brakes worked again.  he remembered laughing with the girl.  Jack Tait remembered all the great times with his old girlfriend.  he remembered wanting to be with her all the time and he also remembered her showing up at his work and waiting for him to finish.  lots of ups some downs but more ups than downs and then Jack remembers his girlfriend missing her period and panic setting in once again.  he remembers the many Clearblue tests and 3am runs to the 24 hour drug store to get more Clearblue tests to do that all ended up in a positive reading.
Jack Tait remembers his girlfriend crying.  he remembers holding her.  he remembers, “I guess we’re going to have a baby!!!”
Jack Tait then started nodding off.  he fell back with his eyes closed.  he dreamed of a beautiful young daughter with a huge personality and an even bigger heart.  he dreamed of holding her and watching her learn how to walk.  how to talk.  he dreamed of her first Daycare class and leaving her with someone for the first time.  he then dreamed of her first day of Grade 1.  Jack Tait began to cry tears of joy.  he woke up and looked at his old family album.  he saw pictures of his Dad.  his Mom.  his brother.  he then saw pictures of his wife.  his daughter.  all the laughter.  all the fun and all the hugs.  his daughter was once one.  she was then two and then three.  she is now 24 years old. 
Jack Tait cried for twenty four minutes.  naked.  alone.
“please slow down time.  please.  I want to find my wife and daughter and live with them forever and ever just like in the fairy tales.”