life…

i want to learn.  I want to love.  I want to travel.  I want to see my family more.  I want to see my friends more.  I never want to die.  to think of the time that I will never see Rylee again pains me.  to think that I have spent most of my life with Triggy and then to never see her again pains me as well.  where do people go when they die?  I miss my Dad.  I miss my Mom even though she is still living.  is she lonely?  does she think about my Dad?  does she think about dying and lost years.  memories.  happy ones.  sad ones.  does she remember her first love and her first kiss?  is she lonely in her bed.  no husband.  no kids.  no Mom.  no Dad.  I worry about dying at my age.  what happens when you hit seventy five years old.  does death consume you?  should I live more now?  I try but I always think that I have a whole life ahead of me and yet when I slow down and sit.  slow down and think.  slow down and drink.  I am very aware that I am on the downward slide.  becoming older by the second.  older by the day.  older by the year.  a seventy-five year old man once told me that “from fifty to seventy-five goes by like that” as he snapped his fingers together and made a snapping noise.  sadness sets in as I look at baby pictures of Rylee.  my own baby pictures.  baby pictures of Nicole. old family pictures when I had a laughing Dad and a smiling Mom.  lots of great pictures.  lots of great memories.  lots of great people.  then BOOM.  your hero dies and life goes on without a Dad.  without a hero.  without a guide.  without a protector.  my Dad never getting the chance to meet my beautiful daughter.  my beautiful wife.  my Dad buried under old worn out grass in a worn out town and hardly ever getting a visit from anyone.  when I go I often wonder if his bones are still there.  I cry. and cry.  and cry.  I then drive away and listen to sad music and think of lost lives and fast moving lives.  I also think about how many people die and how many people are forgotten.  we mourn for a short time and then wait for the next death.  we then mourn for a short time and wait for the next death.  we tell each other that we need to see each other more and that life is moving by too quickly and then we get back to our small towns and our small routines and we move on with our small lives.  small lives in an huge world.  I sit and ponder again and think about my childhood.  I think about St. Bonaventure and John XXIII and St. Robert’s and Markham High School.  I think of the many colleges and trips to England and Acapulco.  I think about long lost friends and all the women that I have loved and all the women that I have not loved.  I also think about great friends that I once had and great friends that I still have.  another year then goes by and I realize that I am now another year closer to death and this saddens me even more as I want to see Rylee grow up and I want to meet her eventual husband and her eventual kids.  I want to see her live a great life and I want to be with her and Triggy forever but I know that this won’t happen and that makes me sad as well.  everything is making me sad tonight but tomorrow I will wake up happy and know that it is a new day.  a sunny day filled with opportunities and laughter.  hope and smiles.  hugs and kisses.   I then get hot and look at the time and wonder if LOVE is the most important thing in our life.  we chase our dreams.  we chase our loves.  we chase money and we chase acceptance.  we are in a never ending chase for acceptance from people that we don’t even know.
I think LOVE is more important than HATE.
negative energy is bad.
political correctness is bad.
blown up lips that make you look like some sort of duck is also bad.
LOVE.
LOVE.
LOVE.
life…tears…ten years goes by too fast…too many diseases…too many premature deaths…too many fights…not enough get togethers…not enough wine and not enough intelligent and passionate conversation.
I refuse to be a robot and I want to learn.  I want to feel and I want to LOVE.
life.