I finally hit fifty years old (who would have thought?) and first wonder how I made it this far. too much booze. too much drugs. too many fights. too many arrests. too many blackouts. everything is “too many” except for family. family very rarely there when you need them most. most people I know talk about how great their family is. they talk about how great their family was. their childhood memories are filled with smiles and fun and love and great trips and great talks. they talk about how their families helped them buy their first home which led them to buy more homes and be ahead of the game of finance. they talk about their Sunday dinners together. and their parents elation at their huge accomplishments and then their parents elation at their grandkids’ huge accomplishments. they talk about the joy their parents had when they had their first grandchild and further joy when the second came along and so on and so on. they talk about the help their parents give them when they fall on tough times or the love their parents give them when they just need a hug and someone to tell them that “everything is going to be alright.” they talk about the tree of life and how they look forward to growing older and seeing their kids have kids and looking forward to helping them get on their feet. family love. unconditional family love is something that can’t be bought nor is it something that just appears or is just “there” because you call your Mom “Mom”. family love should be unconditional but what happens when it is not? where do you go for love? do you find love from your friends? do you find love from your enemies? from your teachers? coaches? girls? booze? drugs? sexual conquests? arrests? cops? aa meetings? rehab meetings? temporary accomplishments? temporary accolades from your peers? but what kind of love is this? it is or rather it can be great but it DOES NOT match the love that you should automatically receive from your parents. UNCONDITIONAL FAMILY LOVE…not fake surface bullshit “love?” that comes out of the mouths of blocked people who never ever wanted to look in the mirror and unblock themselves. the “poor me” syndrome constantly in full effect while life and family fade away into the cold dark air.
Mom’s who always have the answer but the answers come from blocked brains and blocked hearts. lack of love for family but lots of fake love for acquaintances who come and go like sexual conquests in my twenties and thirties. “come” then “go”. metaphors filling my brain. filling my world. love. where are you? how bad is your relationship when you are afraid at the age of fifty to ask your Mom for help? and when you finally get up enough courage (50 but act like 20) to ask for help you get back a look of DISGUST. the same look that you received when you were twenty years old and drunkenly falling through the kitchen window. glass everywhere. cops too. judgements of the worst kind but never EVER wanting to have a conversation with your son to see just what he is all about. what makes him tick. what are his loves and what are his goals. a son that has passionately performed in over thirty plays and thirty films but never EVER receiving a “great job son. I am so proud of you.” how pathetic is it that your Mom has only seen maybe five performances of your over eighty plus performances? and when she does come to see you perform, she immediately comments on how great the other actors were in the play. a still ten year old boy only wanting some genuine love and approval from her now eighty year old Mom but, instead, getting the look of disgust and disappointment back.
a fragile almost broken relationship now completely broken and a great boy once filled with so much love for his Mom now filled with “nothingness” for his Mom. the forgiving and forgetting no longer part of his vocabulary. life filled with so much hope and so much promise but a Mother who sees none of it. a Mother who has lived in her own prison cell for forty years but never attempting to escape. a sad life becoming sadder and instead of reaching out for more connection is constantly pushing the only real connections in her life away. pushing them so far away that it is now a major chore anytime there is a family get together. a fake family get together because everything is surface. everything phony. everything filled with bad memories from the past but incapable of forgiving and incapable of LOVE…REAL LOVE.
while there continues to be horrific terrorist attacks across the world and facebook is filled with “positive vibe” posts and “thoughts and prayer” posts I find it genuinely hard to mourn for these people. I attempt to feel sadness and I attempt to feel empathy but I have lived in my own pain for so long that nothing comes close to not having loving parents. loving caring parents who care so deeply about you that they would put their world on hold for the chance to HELP their son. their daughter.
money. fame. cars. toys. big houses. big boats. fancy shoes. fancy clothes. “sunshine club”. presidents. prime ministers. we chase all of this. we want all of this. we feel we NEED all of this.
you may but I don’t. I want LOVE. unconditional love. it is too late for me with my Mom but, at least, I am aware of it. it has fucked me up in many ways but I survive. I struggle at times but I LOVE LIFE AND NOTHING WILL STOP ME FROM LOVING LIFE…EVER…
except death…and I never want to die…ever.
incapable of love…a sad story.
notanotherphony. 