connect the dots.

it’s been one month since my last breakdown and nothing has changed.  depression turned into mania which then turns to grandiose ideas and grandiose goals.  then one idea turns into two and pretty soon I have eight brilliant ideas bursting to get out of my brain.  out of my body.  late nights turn into tired mornings and tired mornings turn into tired days and then tired days turn into tired nights but then the tiredness disappears and then mania takes over again.  still nothing accomplished.  one day closer to death and one day closer to never seeing my daughter again.  never seeing my wife again.  the grandiose ideas now thrown into the toilet at the back of my brain.  but they will never be forgotten.  they will reappear in about two months and they will come back with as much fire and fervour as the first time they appeared many years ago.
the latest meltdown has put me back into yoga class and I am feeling better without any accomplishments.  just “being” for once.  breathing for once.  can yoga help my life slow down???  I continue to miss the small moments in Rylee’s life.  so many small moments in her twelve years of being on this earth.  forgotten moments.  forgotten hugs.  forgotten love in an ever forgetful brain.  tears flowing.  HELP???  but it never comes.  passed on from one doctor to another.  pills working and then suddenly not working.  zero consistency in such an inconsistent life and an inconsistent brain.  an emotional human in an inhumane world.  humanity waning as rich ignorant leaders try to control the world and in their greedy pursuit have forgotten their hearts along the way.  their souls along the way.  society constantly following the wrong people.  human beings starving to death while we consume hundred dollar steaks and throw out half of it.  garbages filled with half eaten meals and now I sit here.  STUCK.  TIRED.  SICK.  DEPRESSED.  will my life ever work out?  will my life ever be free from the struggle?  will we ever provide Rylee with two grounded parents?  we never gave her the sibling she so dearly wanted and now I look at her with sadness.  with shame.  Am I a loser?  does Rylee look at me as a loser?  does she see good in me?  should she see good in me?  what has happened to me?  was it always happening to me but I was too active to notice?  is my life meant to be shared?  without the sharing I am an old man sitting in a basement wondering where his life has gone.  friendships disappearing.  family disappearing.  jobs disappearing.  dreams disappearing.  everything disappearing but my busy mind.  forty years in psychiatrists offices has done little except lessen the bank account.  a bank account that was bigger when I was twenty.  what is wrong with me?  loss.  always at a loss.  eleven minutes left until I attempt to sleep once again.  I never want the day to end just as I never want life to end but realizing more and more that there will be an END. 
so much beauty in this world.  so much love in this world.  so much hope for this world.  knock down the walls.  knock down the borders.  I don’t even know how to change a flat tire.  I don’t really know how to do much, if anything.  busybrainbusybrainbusybrainbusybrainbusybrainbusybrainbusybrain.  does anyone really know what it is like to have adhd?  so fucking unpredictable.  so fucking frustrating. so fucking debilitating.  I NEED HELP.  OR I NEED TO WRITE.  PRODUCE.  ART.  DO.  BE.  SMALL.  NOT GRANDIOSE.  MANIC.  HYPO MANIC.  ADHD.  NARCISSISTIC.  ANXIETY RIDDEN.  BUSY BRAIN.  BUSY LIFE.  BUSY WIFE.  BUSY DAUGHTER.  EVERYTHING BUSY BUT NOTHING ACCOMPLISHED.  GOD???  should I believe in you again?  breathe.  dad?
bedtime.