I stay up too late and am now up too early. the vicious cycle continues. I drink my large cup of coffee and say goodbye to Rylee. she is on her way to yoga…by herself. this brings a big smile to my face but it also saddens me as Rylee is growing up much too fast and I still feel that I do not have a strong connection with her. she is such a great kid filled with a big heart. a smart kid. a loving kid. an energetic kid. everyone who meets her is instantly drawn to her. smitten by her. engaged in conversation with her. why not me? what is wrong with me? why can’t I break through and be close with her. am I blocked emotionally? I feel that I am filled with an overwhelming amount of emotions and an overwhelming amount of empathy and YET I cannot fully connect with my own daughter. SHIT.
Rylee leaves for class and I put on The Smiths. great “happy” music to start my day. I finish my coffee and run to the toilet. I run and then SIT. SIT. SIT. this tests my patience tremendously. I was once a young man who would run to the toilet and explode all of my previous days toxins into the toilet in mere seconds but now I am an old man who needs to sit for hours to get a fraction of my weeks toxins out of me and into the clear cold water below. FRUSTRATED. SWEATING. CONSTIPATED. BLOATED. too many pills and too much booze has wreaked havoc on my inner system. time for big changes. but the big changes never come. NEVER. EVER.
the semi explosion finally comes but not before thoughts. many thoughts as I always have so much time while I sit on the toilet to release. I close my eyes and breathe deep breaths into my lower clogged up areas. always a great start to the morning. a deep meditation that brings up feelings of loss. feelings of love. feelings of family. feelings of life. feelings of great friendships and great people. a world filled with love and filled with respect seemingly changing into a world being taken over by hatred. greed. rules that favour old rich white men. rules that go against science and fact. rules and laws being passed at the expense of our beautiful world and beautiful people. sick people in power. sickening fake smiles and sickening decayed hearts. clogged arteries. clogged with dollar bills. and beautiful fake white teeth. dentures and fake tans. fake hair and fake promises. SICK GREEDY MAGGOTS RUINING OUR BEAUTIFUL WORLD.
but then I go back to my loved ones. my lost loved ones like my Dad. Bessie. Cal. Nanny. Nana. too many people taken way too young. life is so precious and yet so fragile. human connection is needed more than ever as I sit in my basement and write. removed from people. removed from friends. removed from family. removed. removed. removed. connect. connect. connect. everyone too busy chasing material things and phony accolades.
good music.
good conversations.
good wine.
good friends.
love.
loss.
family.
CONNECT.
DON’T HIDE.
CONNECT.
LOVE.
LOVE.
LOVE.
hello?
notanotherphony. 