I took the short but long drive down to The Heights Drive. My first house. my first recollection. my first memories. great times filled with loss. filled with angst. filled with fun. filled with parental drunkenness and filled with lessons. life lessons at such a young age. lessons of love. lessons of loss. lessons of rules. lessons of family. lessons of fear. so many lessons. such a young age. but amidst those lessons were times filled with fun and laughter and family dinners and family laughter. family always the most important thing in this world even when they don’t feel like family. life lessons continuing.
I turned into the housing complex and, instantly, felt this feeling of nostalgia. it was a weird feeling. it was a haunting feeling. it was a feeling filled with great memories. great times. peaceful. breathe. always breathe. let go. always let go. listen. always listen. learn. always learn.
I stood in the old complex and took a big deep breath in and then took a big deep breath out. in and out. in and out. in and out. there is always a way in but there, sometimes, isn’t a way out. a way out of misery and a way out of deep feelings of loss. life sometimes rearing it’s ugly head to go alongside it’s beautiful head filled with long highways and long haunting sounds of loneliness. life always worth living even at the lowest of lows. friends. family. itchy head but lonely heart. but then that lonely heart becomes filled with love from your daughter. sometimes even your wife. but daughter usually more likely. kids looking to their parents for love. for acceptance. for guidance. but sometimes those parents aren’t ready to give guidance. aren’t ready to give love. sometimes those parents are filled with so much hurt and so much pain that they are mired in misery and seeking help themselves. seeking love themselves. seeking love. seeking help. seeking hope. seeking pills. seeking acceptance from parents who are also unable to give love. also unable to give guidance. also unable to give hope. so many lost hearts and so many lost souls.
I stood around The Heights Drive and felt. I felt big emotions. I felt big sadness. but I also felt big happiness. hoping for my Dad to suddenly reappear but knowing that he is gone forever. gone but never forgotten.
I remembered my dog Snoopy being run over by a TTC bus. I remembered throwing a big boulder through my Superintendents’s apartment window. I remembered painting the laundromat with all kinds of different paint. different colours. I remembered watching swim meets every Saturday morning. swim meets filled with many smiling parents. many smiling kids. I remembered my first kiss. I remembered my Nana. I remembered my first concussion. I remembered many drunken adults sitting around talking and laughing with other drunken adults. other smiling kids. good times. free times. loving times. innocent times. times filled with hope. times filled with love.
life grows up and suddenly there are many friends lost. many friends gone. dead. sometimes forgotten. innocent times fallen by the side of the road long ago and never replaced with anything of significance. anything of wonder. anything of hope. stressful days lead to stressful nights which then lead to stressful months and stressful years. but stress is avoidable. stress is not needed. remove stress and replace with hope. replace with love. replace with fire. replace with conviction.
memories. memories from long ago. pictures saying a thousand words but never replacing the feelings of actually being there. actually doing. actually talking. actually feeling. actually holding.
love.
loss.
family.
missing.
replace fear with hope.
replace anxiety with fire.
replace cold with hot.
replace hate with love.
love thy neighbour as thy love thyself.
stop and smell the roses.
do not let your parents wilt away in pain. wilt away in fear. wilt away lonely. wilt away sad.
love. hold. hold. love.
mom.
dad.
one.
one life.
hope.
notanotherphony. 