I never want life to end.

I sit at my computer trying to piece together the words to describe how incredibly proud I am of my daughter.  new school.  new friends.  new life.  new hopes.  new dreams.  new excitement.  new courage.  new energy.  new attitude.  such a positive change.  the positive environment at her new school making a world of difference for my daughter.  for us.  gratitude.  lots of gratitude.

my wife and I sit in the gymnasium of Rylee’s new school about to watch her deliver a speech on Michelle Obama and the positive influence she has had on women around the world.  she always chooses great people to write about.  to learn about.  to share her knowledge with others.  she is growing up fast.  we sit and wait for her name to be called.  so nervous.  always so nervous for her.  do other parents share this same emotion?  it is always so hard watching Rylee perform.  I want her to do well.  I want her to succeed.  I want her to have fun.  BUT I DON’T WANT HER TO MESS UP.  I DON’T WANT HER TO EMBARRASS HERSELF.  I DON’T WANT HER TO FAIL.  I hate feeling these feelings.  I hate thinking these thoughts.  I should have confidence in her.  I should KNOW that she will do well.  she always does but I still worry.  I sit in fear.  I sit in worry.  I keep my thoughts to myself.  I sit and I hope.  hope for the best.  hope she doesn’t stumble.  hope she doesn’t fall.  hope she doesn’t panic.  hope she succeeds in delivering a great speech after all of her hard work.

her name is called and we watch.  we listen.  I panic but with a smile.  I love her sooooooo much!!!!  she begins her speech.  the gymnasium is quiet.  she is such a loving and kind hearted person.  she radiates love and compassion.  she has a huge heart and a big soul.  she delivers a fantastic speech.  very clear.  very confident.  we are soooooo proud of her.  tears flowing down my face.  tears of joy.  tears of love.  tears of relief.  I doubt, but she never disappoints.  she is the rock in our family.  the rock that holds us all together.  for such a young girl she is so mature.  she has such wisdom.  such love.  such empathy.  such respect.  such openness and such honesty.  a little gift making a HUGE difference in our small lives.  gratitude.  lots of gratitude.

now I sit staring at my computer.  wondering what to write next.  mind drifting.  hot.  glass of wine to the left of me.  my dog chewing a bone in front of me.  Rylee and Nicole upstairs.  listening to REM.  BOWIE.  PEARL JAM.  toque on.  wondering what to write next.  wondering what to write next.  always wondering what to write next.

love.

feelings.  big feelings.  nervous.  happy.  proud.  nervous.  love.  HUGE LOVE.  PROUD.  HUGE PROUD.  HUGE PROUD.  HUGE PROUD.

I get a call from upstairs to come up and tuck Rylee into bed.  I walk upstairs.  I tuck her in.  kiss her goodnight.  look her in the eyes and say, “I LOVE YOU.  I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.”

truth.

love.

gratitude.

love.

gratitude.

love.

gratitude.

life.  I never want life to end.