December 19, 2019. so close to Christmas and yet Christmas seems so far away. very little excitement. very few gifts. very few wins. many struggles and lost once again. always lost. always struggling. mental illness or not. the struggle is real. and the struggle is lonely. DOES ANYONE REALLY AND TRULY UNDERSTAND MENTAL ILLNESS???
we have fake posts from fake people who seemingly care but they only care when the struggle does not affect them but when it interferes in their life then the vitriol comes out as always. hence the term solo. hence the term lonely. feelings of failure. feelings of shame. feelings of confusion. constant feelings and constantly STUCK. years and years of psychiatrists and psychotherapists proving to be unhelpful. I will still try, once again, to heal. healing is a nice word. healing is active. sit in inactivity but sit on a feeling. truly sit. truly feel.
is Christmas here yet?
do people still spend incessantly at Christmas?
what is Christmas for?
is it real?
I know it is not but I prefer the joy over the mundane.
mundane living in a mundane world can be mundane and minutely dull. minutely tiring. minutely crazy. the clock slowly ticking and life becoming closer to the end. when is the big change going to happen? when is the big change going to occur? is there a BIG BOLT OF LIGHTNING THAT COMES AND SHAKES ME AND WAKES ME???
the power of positivity taking a momentary break but it will come back shortly. it will come back fast and it will come back strong. the power of positivity will tell me that I can do anything in this world that I want but what happens when you forget what you want? where is my fun? what is fun? what is life? what happened to me? what is happening to me? slow down and smell the roses. happy people everywhere around me. fake happy people with fake happy cars and fake happy smiles but is fake happiness better than real sadness???
the lord where are you?
nature?
grace?
birds singing and birds chirping while the wind blows the leaves and the children scream. there is snow on the ground and rivers flowing peacefully through life. stretch it out. sit in it. sit on it. sit doggie sit. bye doggie. bye.
conversations. conversations. conversations. why do others always take over the conversations? the loudest are usually the dullest. the loudest are usually the dumbest. the confident ones usually having little to offer that hasn’t already been offered. we put pricks on pedestals and bash down pussies. we applaud brashness and applaud victories. we are savages and maggots and termites and yet we are sad and lonely. lonely and sad.
what is life?
what is my life?
what is the meaning of life?
as sad as life can be I never want it to end.
I don’t want to say BYE to my family.
I don’t want to say BYE to my friends.
pause for a second. pause for a breath. calmness. enjoy the calmness.
stretch the body. stretch the soul. but leave the mind alone. the mind is dangerous. the mind is toxic. the mind creates hatred and wars and crime. leave the mind alone. sink into the body. truly sink into the body. what is your body telling you? what is my body telling me?
Jack Tait emerged, once again, from another bout of confusion and looked outside. he saw his blue tricycle. it sat lonely on the long narrow dirt driveway. he remembered a time when the bike never sat. it was always used. but those days were long ago. decades past. decades remembered but wanting to be forgotten. one nut. one dollar. one house. one lonely barren house in the middle of nowhere. and one lonely man.
BE POSITIVE JOHNNY. ALWAYS BE POSITIVE. THE POWER OF POSITIVITY. THE POWER OF POSITIVITY. THE POWER OF POSITIVITY. DON’T EVER LOSE THE POWER OF POSITIVITY.
Jack Tait closed his mind. closed his body. closed his life. closed this chapter.
what makes someone get so down that they think the only way out is suicide?
please listen and do not judge.
have empathy.
be kind.
the noise stopped and the beautiful music played.
nature or grace.
life.
notanotherphony. 