another terrible sleep. deep sleep until Murphy woke me up after four hours. 2am and then wide awake. tossed and turned for the rest of the night. one and a half sleeping pills mixed with three glasses of wine and seventy-five mg of Zoloft not doing the trick. a terrible sleep equals an unproductive day. i must learn to fight through the tiredness. I must learn to fight through the sleep issues. I must learn to fight through the opinions and the aches and the pains and the lack of quality doctors and lack of love. lack of care. I refuse to blame though. Extreme ownership. i will own my life complete with my decisions and my problems. i will also own my life complete with my successes and my fun.
I am fifty-three years old. still alive. still lost. still energized. still hungry. still thirsty. everything is still except me. moi. myself. I cannot sit still. No matter how tired I am I need to move. I need to run. i need to hike. i need to write. i need to do. meditation? relaxation? I wish. i always wish for what I do not have. psychological issues? psychological problems? too smart and unable to do anything with it? lots of questions and very few answers. STUCK. ALWAYS STUCK. ALWAYS HUNGRY. never satisfied. satisfied?
I was born on March 23, 1967. My parents were from England but met in Canada. My Dad, Bernard, was a young and talented architect. My Mom, Mairi, was a young and talented Advertising Executive. They were happy. they were young. they were fun. their whole lives ahead of them and now they had a son. me. March 23, 1967. I was born. I am now fifty-three years old.
The first house that I remember living in was in the Heights Drive. It was a townhouse complex in the Don Mills and Lawrence area. it was filled with recent English immigrants. Lots of young families who enjoyed sports and enjoyed boozing. great conversations for the adults. fun and freedom for the kids. life was so fun back then. I also remember my Nana living with us. I remember her being around sixty-five when we lived there. not sure why I remember that. I remember a lot of random events and random dates but I also forget all kinds of important events and important dates. My mind may not be at full capacity. I loved my Nana. I also loved my Mom and my Dad. The Heights Drive. My first memories. Driving around in fake cars. Playing hide and seek. Outdoor parties for the adults. A few adult drunken fights with loud talkers and loud yellers. The outdoor swimming pool where we had the swimming protege who won every swim meet every saturday morning. lots of people watching her. I remember having a crush on her but she was sixteen and I was seven or eight. I think her last name was Thomson. Bad memory sometimes. great memory other times. I would apologize but I am trying my hardest to stop being a people pleaser. I am trying my hardest to stop being a perfectionist. Those bad traits have stopped me from creating. stopped me from living. stopped me from growing. I will no longer allow my mind to stop me. Keep writing. Keep working. Keep typing. Every saturday morning running up to watch my first crush swim. I witnessed how everyone adored her and cheered for her. She was the center of attention. I wanted what she had. I wanted to be the center of attention. I wasn’t a good swimmer but I was really good in soccer and hockey. I played for Don Mills in soccer and for Flemingdon Kings in hockey. I loved both sports. I loved the cold rink and our yellow and purple jerseys. I loved scoring goals and I loved my friend, Merrick. He was a tough kid. He was loud and got into lots of trouble but I liked him and he liked me. My Dad was friends with his Dad. His Dad was also named Merrick which I found weird. His Dad was also loud. his Dad was funny. he was a loving man but he also drank a lot and many people called him an alcoholic. I think he may have abused his wife sometimes. Her name was Chrissy. She was nice too. They have both died. Merrick Junior and his sister, Tina, are still alive but I don’t see them anymore. Life is long and friends come and go. What seemed so intense and important at the time becomes forgotten over time. A childhood filled with so many friends and so many memories becomes forgotten. details forgotten. friends forgotten. events forgotten. I will attempt to remember and attempt to write and attempt to piece my life together in order to move on and enjoy the rest of my life but it may take time and it may be disjointed. I will accept this and I hope you will too but I can no longer worry if you can or if you do. JUST WRITE JACK. JUST WRITE. JACK? CHRISTIAN? BENNY? BONER? MCKENNA? CHRIS? CHRISTY? CHRISTIE? who am I?
notanotherphony. 