woke up tired. buzzing mind. groggy eyes. great and vivid dreams. so clear. so detailed. now I stare at a photo of me from twenty-five years ago and wonder where all the time went. where did my hair go? where did my confidence go? did I ever have confidence? trying to “fit in” in a system that has never worked for me. a system that offers up little and hands out even less. a system that applauds boring celebrities with boring minds and boring lives while shaming the artists with something actually interesting to say. now I sit with my coffee and have nothing to say. nothing to feel. nothing to write. nothing. head still buzzing. head still ringing. Murphy sleeping beside me. silence in our house. silence outside. white fluffy fluff balls always circling me. i need a day of pounding the pavement. really pounding the pavement. connecting. researching. hyper-focused agenda of getting some work. making some money. update pics. update website. email agents. come up with material. read old notebooks of mine. text Sean. search. search. search. what am I searching for? who am I? who am I searching for? where is the work? where is the money? don’t listen to the experts. don’t listen to the safe. the dull. the rule followers. bring myself to the world. bring my uniqueness to the world. bring fire. bring joy. bring pain. bring sorrow. bring my boredom. bring my anger. bring MY LIFE. early childhood fun. childhood memories. Merrick. St. Bonaventure bully. Miss Scope. Don Mills soccer. indoor. outdoor. Flemingdon Kings. First goal. Heights Drive. Painting the laundromat. throwing the boulder through the window of the scary Superintendent’s apartment. outdoor parties. falling from the balcony in the parking lot and hitting my head on the hard pavement. concussion. hospital for three days. terrifying my Mom. mr. Clean commercial. nana. Dad. Snoopy getting run over by the TTC bus. our teenage dog walker upset. the summer swimming meets on the upper level of our townhouse complex. susan or christine thompson always winning. Merrick and I rubbing our penises together in his basement townhouse. getting hard. liking the feeling. Crang and Boake. Vic Tammy’s. Giorgio and Renata Realini. Terry and Kathy Fitsialos. George and Lucille Gibbs. Tommy Moulsdale. Keith Mingham. Going swimming and seeing Renata’s breasts and being excited. seeing Lucille’s naked breasts in Mexico and being excited. a little kid with big aspirations and a healthy libido. the sheer horror of going to the dentist. dr. bellman. hearing the sound of the tools he was about to use on my teeth. a nightmarish feeling. riding my BIG WHEEL with Nana following me. Merrick Sr. Merrick Jr. Tina. Chris. Wilf. Marilyn. Martine. indoor swimming at Flemingdon complex. establishing my foundation. establishing my life. LOTS OF FUN. LOTS OF EXPLORATION. LOTS OF FEAR. LOTS OF MISTAKES. LOTS OF EXCITEMENT. LOTS OF PLAY. LOTS OF MEMORIES. LOTS OF LIFE. THIS IS WHERE IT ALL BEGAN. MY LIFE. AND MY FIRST KISS. on the monkey bars on the second level of the Heights Drive. forget her name. forget a lot of things. but a great start to a potentially great life. then we moved to Unionville.
PART TWO TO FOLLOW.
notanotherphony. 