I struggle with various mental illnesses and I no longer know which ones I struggle with. My Dad died when he was 36 years old and I was 10. But prior to that I had various run ins with our superintendent at our housing complex where, in one instance, I threw a big boulder through her window shattering the glass as well as painting the laundromat in our housing complex with all sorts of different coloured paint that was supposed to be used for the eavestroughs. she chased me and scolded me as she waved her “pitchfork” in her right hand. I was terrified of her!!! She was an evil person in my opinion but I am sure she had a reason for being evil with me. In another confusing incident I stole a pack of Sesame Snaps from our local convenience store but, that time, didn’t get caught. I was 8 years old and guilt ridden for two days. this is not normal behaviour for a normal 8 year old. so everything cannot be blamed on my Dad dying. After my Dad died, which devastated me, my Nana died. this was one month later. she lived with us for many years so she was a big part of my family. Unfortunately I do not remember her death nor her funeral. A month later my Mom had an overdose of sleeping pills while in our bathroom at home. the paramedics came to try and revive her and lucky for her and us she was revived. at that point my Mother was taken away from us for a month so she could recover but what about us? where did we go and why? we ended up living with our family friends, the Dermastja’s. We lived there for a month and many nights went by sleepless for me as I struggled with the events of the past two months. My Mom came back to our family a month later but she was not the same. she seemed distant and was struggling with the death of her husband. her love. school continued to go on for me but I felt very different than the rest of the kids. I no longer had a Dad and that made me feel weird. I overcompensated by being loud. being brash. I needed to be the best in everything but I also needed everyone to like me so I became a chameleon. I was a jock one moment and then a stoner the next. I was a great student one day and then a complete hellion the next. unpredictable. lost. happy. sad. angry. competitive. CONFUSED. HYPER. SAD.
I continued to play sports and excelled in all but it all seemed to be a distraction. a good distraction but a distraction nonetheless. My teen years were filled with great times. great friends. great wins in sports. great losses in sports. extreme anxiety before games. extreme anger during games. extreme elation after some games. extreme tears after other games. everything extreme.
psychiatrists also became more prevalent. I am not sure why but I can only assume that I was no longer a great kid with a big smile. I was a troubled kid causing my Mom lots of problems and she did not know how to help me. she had her own issues that she was dealing with. life. family.
I had lots of great times with friends and was rarely home and slowly began forgetting that my Dad had died a few years back.
High school started for me when I was 14 and that was a new experience. lots of nerves and lots of fear. I performed my best chameleon act and fit in with many groups once again. I was briefly bullied but so were many other kids. my grades were okay but my sporting skills excelled and I became more and more popular. I loved school for many things but I also hated school for many things. torn. always torn. I had some good teachers but I also had some bad teachers. I began liking girls but was sooo afraid of rejection that I only masturbated to images of girls. I began drinking later in life. 18 to be exact and once I began to drink I never stopped. it was an instant relief from pain. from anxiety. an escape of epic proportions. psychiatrists continued and I always hoped that they would make me feel better but they didn’t. I began to have sex with girls but rarely had girlfriends. commitment a terrible and non-existent word in my vocabulary. I got molested by an older Greek man while hitchhiking after lining up all night to get Bruce Springsteen tickets and felt ashamed afterwards but could not tell anyone. not even my Mom. she was busy working three jobs so I rarely saw her. I had many babysitters and many friends to hang out with but no Dad. and a Mom whom I rarely saw. I was extremely angry with myself after getting molested and fought any guy who even remotely touched me. I also fucked as many girls as I possibly could and even counted all of my “conquers”. I continued to see psychiatrists. In the summers I would drink lots. fuck lots. get in fights lots. jerk off lots. but rarely felt love. One night after a great party in Markham I ended up going to McDonald’s and drunkenly got into a verbal fight with the Manager. he was belligerent. so was I. I ended up getting kicked out with my friends after telling him that I would beat on him if he laid hands on me. the next day I was arrested for assault and public mischief. I still saw psychiatrists and still was in pain. never getting a solution to my problems.
I stayed in high school until I was 23 for some reason and then went to Durham College in Oshawa but only to play on their Varsity Soccer Team. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life so I continued to do what I had done for the last 5 years. Play sports. drink myself into oblivion. and fuck girls. I needed to prove my manhood as I still was affected by being molested. also by losing my Dad. My Nana. Almost losing my Mom. being taken away for a month. and the arrest at McDonald’s. Durham College was fun but I did not accomplish anything academically. I met Cera and fell in love. but we fell in love and out of love many times despite really loving each other. commitment issues still getting in my way. in the summers I began to mow lawns for drinking money and drinking money was very important. I still loved parties and still loved fucking but, while my friends were beginning to “grow up” and get real jobs I was continuing to flounder and continuing to cause grief. More psychiatrists and still no answers.
after my one year at Durham I went to Seneca for another academically wasted year but another great year of sports. I won the Canadian Goalkeeper of the year award but quit school soon after that. Back to mowing lawns, drinking beer, and fucking girls. A DUI put a damper on some of my pleasurable activities but only temporarily. After a few weeks all was forgotten and the boozing was back. back with a vengeance as was the fucking. still no career aspirations. still living at home. still causing my Mom grief but still charming somehow.
I went to a few more colleges but only to play Varsity soccer and, although very successful, I was still completely lost as to what I wanted to do with my life. I ended up flying to England to half heartedly pursue a career as a professional soccer player. My racist Grandad showed me around jolly old England and I lived with family members but forget their names, which is sad. they have both passed on which is also sad. life whizzing by. I also stayed with The Royle’s and had great times with my cousin Mike. But while there I missed my ex-girlfriend Cera and would call her many times racking up a huge phone bill for my family members without any regard to the consequences. after a year in England I moved back home where I quickly got another DUI and was sent to jail. Don Jail. Toronto East. Mimico. Not just one. Life was definitely taking a turn for the worse. soon after I was forced to go to a rehab facility in North Bay for a month where I was with drug addicts and alcoholics. I told everyone that I only drank on the weekends but they didn’t care. “YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC.”
I disagreed for three weeks and then broke down one day and said, “YES…I AM.” one week later I left with a one month medallion.
I came back to Toronto but then followed my ex-girlfriend, Cera, out to Alberta. we were trying to reconcile and thought things were going well but, as always, they ended poorly and I moved back home. I did attend Mount Royal College and succeeded in school but it didn’t bring me closer to a career.
After a year in Alberta I went back to audition for a top theatre school in London, England. I “got in” but could not afford the tuition. I attended George Brown Theatre School instead but left after 5 months due to restlessness. I fucked many younger girls while there and got drunk and stoned and basically was a loose cannon. a charming loose cannon. but still a loose cannon. after leaving George Brown I started my own theatre company and put on some great shows. great reviews but no money. I got an agent but never landed BIG roles other than Queer as Folk and a Porsche Commercial. Later on I was in Suits and had a scene with Burt Reynold’s in a movie which was nerve racking but super cool.
psychiatrist’s continued as impulsive behaviour continued. I got fired from many hotel jobs in the city. One time I stole a Parking Officer’s ticket book at the front of The Royal York Hotel and got arrested once again. “Was there something wrong with me?” I went back to more psychiatrists and this time I was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Intermittent Explosive Behaviour, Impulse Control Disorder, and Hypo Manic Disorder. I was given medication and thought all would be good. I continued to audition in extreme anxiousness. I continued to work in shitty jobs. I continued to have no money. I continued my struggles with my Mom. I continued to fuck girls. and I continued to drink. life not changing. STUCK.
at the age of 36 years old I met Nicole, my wife, and we really hit it off. she loved my passion for acting and my carefree lifestyle while I loved her beauty and youthful spunk. she was 15 years younger than me. we had a very powerful and intense relationship at the beginning and it was filled with many ups but lots of struggles as well. especially my lack of commitment. always my lack of commitment. I had another shit job but I was also landing some good acting gigs and things seemed to be moving forward. I switched acting agents many times as I was never happy with my current one and never patient enough to have a plan. after a few years of fantastic but tumultuous times Nicole became pregnant. we were both terrified as we were not even close to being ready for a kid but we had one.
we had a beautiful daughter and we named her Rylee and things WERE GOING TO GET BETTER!!!
Rylee was a tough screaming kid at the beginning but somehow someway we managed to get through that time. we had some help from family members and we drank a lot at night for some much needed relaxation. we now both worked in the shoe biz as sales reps and were making some good money. I continued to do plays and continued to get praise as I was a fiery and passionate performer. I continued to struggle in auditions as my anxiety and lack of focus were really becoming an issue. I tried more pills. more booze. more exercise. NOTHING WORKED. but we were making money so all seemed okay.
Over the past twelve years we have had our fare share of issues as most families do. I have been too drunk on many occasions. I have been irresponsible on many occasions. I have lacked love on many occasssions. I have blamed Nicole on many occasions. I have not been around nor part of Rylee’s life on many occasions. we have fought as a couple in front of Rylee on too many occasions. we have lacked money. lacked love. lacked sex. lacked fun. lacked respect. lacked focus. lacked drive. lacked interest. and lacked confidence. but Rylee has been our wonder child and our inspiration. she is such a fantastic kid who has been threw so much both at school, in sports, and at home but she continues to shine and continues to grow. a miracle kid.
And now while Nicole has had a major resurgence in life and is in school to get her real estate licence
I continue to struggle in auditions and was diagnosed with ADHD two years ago. two years later still no change. still no hope. one more anxiety ridden audition and I am completely depressed and lost.
I am a fantastic actor who cannot audition. period. frustrated. frustrated. frustrated. completely at a crossroads in my life at the age of fifty and it does not feel good.
I have been diagnosed over the years with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, ADHD, Hypomanic Disorder, Intermittent Explosive Behaviour, Impulse Control Issues, and Anxiety Disorder. But with all of these I feel no compassion from others. People offer up compassion for the depressed but my mental issues don’t seem to matter. why I do not know but my mind is frustrating!!! No hope. I am a functioning basket case with an extremely charming personality that is getting me nowhere but depressed and I am LOST.
fucking lost.
fucking scared.
fucking frustrated.
fucking sad.
adhd.
urban sprawl of dullness
the city lives while the sprawling suburbs die. dying a slow death watching hockey games, basketball games, dance competitions, and baseball games. the city lives while the sprawling suburbs are quietly falling asleep. falling asleep by nine pm so they can wake up at five am to get to their jobs at 6am. to work eight hours for a shitty company making shitty money so they can own a shitty home in a shitty suburban town. urban sprawl at it’s worst.
the city is filled with young people aspiring to make a difference in this beautiful yet shitty world. the city rarely sleeps. the energy is fucking contagious with all of it’s fire, anger, love, rage, hope!!! hopeful in times of despair. while suburban families worry about their neighbour’s having backyard fires where women dress in fake lulu lemon pants and guys wear big baggy shorts and drink shitty piss for beer, city folk are changing the world. fighting the system. fighting the governments. fighting the establishment. the establishment that has attempted to ruin this beautiful world and would have succeeded if not for the fiery youth of our many cities. while suburbanites watch The Bachelor and The Bachelorette the city folks are drinking in pubs, having meaningful conversations, producing films, producing music, producing theatre, discovering cures for diseases etc etc etc.
city living is filled with such fire. such hope.
suburban sprawl is filled with tim Horton’s and churches. churches that have been outdated for over forty years but sad semi souls still attend hoping for a miracle to pull them out of their shitty lives. complacency the norm while thinking long ago lost in bad beer and big trucks. cold hockey arena’s sucking the brains out of once semi intelligent men and semi sexy women. women who were once consumed by their attire and their breasts and their bums now wearing track pants filled with chocolates from the Dollar Store.
Trump, politics, taxes, real estate, school teachers, sports teams, Boston Pizza, Kelsey’s, McPuke’s, Tim Hortons’ the topics of choice in useless conversation that ends up with zero solutions on life but many solutions on death. human beings who were once little kids filled with such hope for life are now counting down the days until they can retire. retire to do nothing but continuing along the same path to nothingness. nothingness in life and nothingness in death. a whole shitload of nothingness. the blind always leading the blind but never finding the correct key to get out of their shitty towns.
A world filled with beautiful cities like London, New York, Berlin, Dublin, Paris, Barcelona, Rome, and Tokyo are merely dots on a map for the suburban minds that prefer trips to Florida and Vegas.
Jack Tait wonders why people would choose suburban living over city living. he has asked people but has never gotten a truthful answer. the answer’s always begin with the suburbs being safer but Jack wonder’s what the suburbs are safer from? safer? safer how? less to do? yes. lights generally out at 10pm? yes. bars empty? yes. less distractions? yes. safer from fucking around on your spouses? yes. safer from differing opinions? yes. SAFER??? SAFER??? SAFER??? everything is safe if you do not live. you can choose to hide in the basement of your shitty townhouse which is built on top of your neighbour’s shitty townhouse and pretend that you love your life and you will have all of your dull family members agree with you but then you will turn on the tv and drool over useless non talented celebrities on the Bachelor or American Idol. celebrity worshippers are NOT living. they are dying. dying slowly around a small campfire discussing the latest buffoon of a mayor. hoping for their new saviour but in ten years the only difference in their lives will be their bellies being bigger and their kids brattier. dumb and dull humans passing down their wealth of useless knowledge onto their offspring and eventually the cycle continues until you have a whole society of useless irrelevant buffoons that are dull, dumb, and complacent.
Urban Sprawl a colossal failure but the politicians who planned this mess of dullness almost dead and certainly forgotten.
FUCK ALL OF THE POLITICIANS AND USE YOUR OWN BRAIN!!!
dull people who follow dull rules are disgusting.
Jack Tait woke up alone and stranded on the side of a long barren road somewhere in northern Ontario. his clothes had disappeared but his one lonely ball was still alive. hanging on by the sagging skin of his scrotum. a once vibrant man was now slowly descending down a long and slippery slope. a slippery slope that had made it’s way into Jack’s life about the age of forty but now seemed to be more real. more prevalent. the end was in sight and Jack still had so many things left to do. left to accomplish. he knew that he had wasted most of his early years following old dull white authoritarian figures who offered up nothing but rehashed rules and rehashed food. the dull and blind leading the dull and blind. boredom the norm. khaki pants the clothing of choice and clean shaven sheep sticking their noses up the asses of old clean shaven men with khaki pants pulled up to their sagging tits and sagging neck. dull old men who had not challenged themselves but somehow had put themselves on some sort of religious pedestal not realizing that the bible was an old dull book of fiction. no different than the old dull stories of Shakespeare with dull language and pretentious accents.
Jack Tait had always known he was a different guy with a different brain and a different soul. he also knew that that didn’t take much as most of the peasants of society had given up their brain the day they started kindergarten. these poor kids had no choice as their parents were dull and their parents were dull. taxes, politics, and real estate ruling the dull conversations at dull family get together’s that dull people looked forward to but smart people with their own minds and their own lives hated but, out of some sort of useless tradition, felt forced to go even at the expense of their heart. their soul.
dullness the norm in a life filled with so much opportunity. so much potential but following dumb rules by dumb people would lead these dummies to the same grave as their dumb ancestors. “LET’S ALL GO TO CHURCH ETHYL. YOU MUST GO TO CHURCH. I HAVE SO MUCH FUN AT CHURCH AND I PITY THOSE WHO HAVE NOT FOUND GOD AS THEY MUST LEAD SUCH EMPTY LIVES.”
JESUS SAVES. WHAT A HUNK OF COMEDY GOLD!!!
saves what? he definitely hasn’t saved the many young boys and girls who have been raped and beaten. the many young boys and girls who have been butchered by sick individuals who probably have slipped through the cracks of dull families and then dull schools and finally dull prison systems where dull guards with dull minds scream and yell the way donald drumpf screams and yells. all bluster and no substance. fucking pigs following fucking pigs while poor kids born into hell with very little opportunity for anything are left alone to live lives filled with scamming and stealing just to eat the food which a fucking orange faced fuck would throw into a garbage bin.
FUCK ALL OF THE USELESS PHONY POLITICIANS WHO OFFER UP EMPTY PROMISES OF HOPE TO GROUPS OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN SMOTHERED IN DESPAIR. SMILING PHONY FACES OR ANGRY BLUSTERY THREATS ALL COMING FROM THE SAME MAGGOTS IN POWER AND YET THE PEASANTS OF OUR SOCIETY STILL FOLLOWING THESE DECAYING LIZARDS.
Jack Tait sat naked on the side of the barren road and wondered “why?” he looked out across the flat dull landscape and pondered life. he pondered life as an old irrelevant man with one sagging ball but at least he pondered life. pondering no longer habitual to the average man. average woman. selfies and dog videos more habitual than thinking.
“with all of the knowledge and information available to the average citizen why would they choose mindless television like THE BACHELOR OR AMERICAN IDOL? why would something as irrelevant to life as a flag be so important? a flag that was made in a sweat shop in China by some poor eight year old with bad teeth and bad hygiene. why do people fight so much? why do we have so many wars? and what do the wars accomplish? why aren’t all the borders open and humans can choose where they want to be and when? for all of those people who want free market, why not make it a free world where the best person for the job can be from anywhere? why is there so much shitty television? so many shitty houses? shitty musicians? shitty clothes? why do some people eat shitty foods and never exercise and then complain that they are fat and depressed? why do so many people get married and then divorced and then marry again only to get divorced and then marry again??? why do so many people live extremely dull lives but substitute their dullness with big cars or trucks that temporarily takes these dull peasants out of their shitty lives and into a make believe of hope. hope for what they do not know. why, with all of the tools that are available to people, do people choose lives of misery and complacency? eating at Boston Pizza and drinking dull piss such as Coors Light and eating well done steaks and wearing tired and dull make up??? why? why? why?”
Jack Tait then began to walk home. he walked along an empty road without empty people with empty hearts and empty souls. he walked and walked. he didn’t care how long it took him to get home as long as he made it home alive. his Dad left one Friday evening over forty years ago and never returned. a young Jack Tait waited and waited but his hero never returned. ever.
the day became night and Jack continued to walk. “people are a distraction. dull people who follow dull rules are disgusting.”
bye.
trying to slow life down as it continues to move by quicker and quicker. reading. writing. acting. running. cycling. but not loving enough. thinking that I am not a slave to our corporate culture but realizing that I am. just not as much as others. but a slave nonetheless. focus. focus. focus. but always lost in thought and never lost in love. how does one connect with love? connect with life? connect with nature? connect without thoughts of the future nor thoughts of the past. living in the moment the key but living in the moment in our society of distraction is very difficult. a week of cottage life over and now back to an empty house with an empty heart. seemingly depressed again but am I ever not depressed? a life filled with amazing people and amazing triumphs but constantly mired in deep thoughts of loss and worry. worries about Rylee growing up and not giving her the tools needed to live in this world. disconnected but filled with a huge heart that seems to be constantly searching and constantly moving but never still enough to take it all in. take in all of life’s beauty and life’s treasures. instead of taking in the beauty getting caught up in the never ending shit storm that is Donald Trump. an egotistical man filled with an ugly heart and a shallow soul. the worst that man has to offer and yet “we” are supposed to look up to our elders and look up to our world leaders. not realizing that the world leaders past and present have taken this beautiful world and attempted to ruin it with constant greed and constant wars. sickening individuals with sickening souls that get revered by society while offering up nothing of value. nothing of substance.
back to ME. my journey. getting caught up in the shit again. stop. slow down. breathe. love. see. feel. touch. hug. hold. kiss. group hugs. group love. feelings much more important than thoughts. feel more. think less.
are we all just lonely people walking aimlessly around a lonely world?
the daily struggle continues.
see the beauty.
feel the beauty.
take it in.
TAKE IT IN.
REALLY TAKE IT IN.
listen to good music.
read good books.
breathe.
hold.
communicate.
love.
love.
love.
before it is too late…LOVE.
stillness.
feel.
beauty.
slow down.
cry.
child.
lost.
sad.
love.
Dad?
Daddy?
bye.
CHOICES.
sitting in a restaurant on a Sunday afternoon in Unionville with three major loves of my life…my Mom, Triggy, and Rylee. too long had passed since our last lunch and now we were all here. smiles abound as we discussed our last six months of life. six months? wow time flies. my Mom in great spirits. much different than the last time I saw her when she was filled with stress and anger. a once loving little girl turned hard by life’s events. many deaths. many abandonments. many struggles. many fights. many lies. and many tries. a long life coming closer to the end as she sits and smiles and talks about memories of youth and memories of love and memories of Rylee as a baby. memories soon to be gone. floating away into the cloudy sky.
Anyway, we all had a great lunch filled with love and filled with great conversation and even greater listening. great conversation with our waitress and then great conversation with Bill’s daughter, Christina, who works at the restaurant. then great food. and great drinks. and then great conversations again about family. FAMILY. is there anything more important and more real and more fulfilling and more lovely than FAMILY? family can cause so much pain and cause so much sorrow BUT it can also be filled with so much LOVE. Unconditional love. love of the son. love of the daughter. children laughing and playing. exploring and crying. inquisitive little beings growing literally both in body and mind. forgetting that my MOM was once a little girl playing in Bournemouth and having fun with friends and family. and at that time she probably thought that she would live forever and the world was great and that “someday she would become somebody very important” and now she sits across from me at a restaurant in Unionville and she looks lonely. smiling but lonely. her Mom and Dad are long gone. her husband is long gone. many of her friends are long gone and her full time job is also long gone. many things gone but she is smiling and happy. her body tired and in pain but she is soooooooo happy to be sitting in the same booth as one of her sons and her daughter in law and her grand-daughter. a booth filled with love amidst lots of loss. sad lives coming together for some moments of joy. a young girl in Rylee dealing with so much at such a young age but these events making her into such an amazing young “tween” as she likes to be called now.
LOVE CONQUERS ALL EVEN WHEN THERE IS ANGER AND HATE AROUND.
we finished our lunch and had a long but fascinating talk with our beautiful black waitress. we learned that she was taking Kinesiology at U of T and that she was travelling around Europe last year and that she met a Spanish guy in Spain and then ran into him in Rome. LIFE AT IT’S BEST. why is there so much hate in this world? most people want to love and learn and grow and have fun. people from all races and cultures getting along but rich leaders from all countries ruining life.
we left the restaurant and drove my Mom home. back to 11 Lindaway. the same house that we lived in when my Dad died forty years ago. my Mom never gaining the courage nor the strength to move on. and now we drop her off and she walks lonely into her lonely house. a lonely house filled with so many memories. both good and horrific. as we are about to leave we honk the horn and my Mom comes back outside for one last wave. we all wave as we all smile.
love is much better than hate.
life can be so beautiful but it can also be so painful.
choose love over hate.
choose to hug. choose to kiss. choose to feel.
CHOICES.
I love you Mom.
I love you Triggy.
I love you Rylee.
I know that life will end one day and that I won’t see Rylee get old and that pains me.
live in the moment. live in the moment. live in the moment.
LOVE.
notanotherphony. 