notanotherphony.

Jack Tait walked to the movie theatre to watch a movie.  he looked at the board and saw nothing but phony comic book movies and phony love stories.  he also saw phony pictures of phony faces from phony actors.  everything had become one big phony piece of rubbish.  he pulled out his bottle of Jack Daniels and smashed it against the wall where all the movies were advertised.  a rookie policeman approached Jack and tried to arrest him.  Jack pulled another bottle out of his side pocket and smashed the officer in the face and then started running.  his one ball bouncing in the hot air.  Jack ran through stop signs.  past bums on the street.  past hookers.  past drug dealers.  past hot dog vendors.  shitty music filling the air.  he pulled over to the side of a side street and barfed.  he then wiped the sweat from his brow and laughed.  he laughed some more.  and some more.  in fact he couldn’t stop laughing.  he knew that his life was coming to an end but he also knew that he grew up in a time when things were real and emotional.  passionate and risky.  now it’s corporate and safe.  geeky and nerdy.  dull and mundane.  balless and weak.  boring people being excited by boring things.  artists with nothing to say.  lowest common denominator.  a life filled with YES people that offer nothing but re-hashed opinions from boring politically correct maggots.  Jack wanted nothing to do with life the way it was heading.  he pulled out a shotgun and started firing rounds of bullets into the blue sky.  he was a pacifist.  he never wanted to hurt anyone but he just killed twenty three people and didn’t even know it.  Jack continued to laugh hysterically as he put the shotgun down and drank the rest of his sixty pounder.  he knew he was real in a world filled with phonies.  Jack Tait closed his eyes and fell asleep. 

Jack Tait woke up from a drunk induced nap and immediately ran to the outhouse to take a big shit.  he then flung four pieces of white toilet paper with brown shit on it into the toilet.  he pulled up his pants and went back inside to his shitty farmhouse in the middle of nowhere.  he is tired and lonely.  sad and alive.  he wants to live forever but knows that it’s impossible.  Jack Tait is a realist.  he wishes he was ten again.  to play again.  to dream again.  to have fun again.  but he isn’t.  he is sixty years old and has one sagging ball.  his dreams are over.  he’s counting down the days to his death.  he once liked life but now it has turned into a pathetic display of fakedom and pussies.  no real men only fake fucks playing Farmville.  no real women only fake boobed fake tanned fake haired fuckers from Philadelphia faking to fornicate.  “OUR WORLD IS FILLED WITH PHONIES AND ASSHOLES AND I DON’T KNOW WHOSE WORSE!!!”  Jack screamed as he slid off the kitchen floor into the side wall.  blood splattering down his forehead.  he looked outside and saw his Mom standing there.  his Mom was once young and vibrant.  young and pretty.  young and filled with dreams and hope.  now she’s shrivelled up and sad.  alone and in pain.  life takes it’s toll.  “will I ever see my Mom again when she dies?”  Jack asked his hamster but his hamster never responded.  Jack sat back and contemplated as he drank the rest of his sixty pounder from the night before.  “I HATE EVERYONE.  I HATE THE FAKES.  I HATE THE PHONIES.  I HATE THE CRIMINALS.  I HATE THE DO GOODERS.  I HATE THE SCARED.  I HATE THE UGLY.  I HATE THE SHOW OFFS.  I HATE THE RUSSIANS.  I HATE EVERYONE.  EVERYONE AND ANYONE.  LIFE IS FILLED WITH SHIT PEOPLE DOING SHIT JOBS AND WATCHING SHIT SHOWS WHILE LISTENING TO SHIT MUSIC AND STROKING THEIR TWO INCH SHITTY UGLY PENIS.  BUT I DO NOT WANT MY MOM TO DIE BECAUSE I WILL NEVER EVER SEE HER AGAIN AND THAT’S NOT FAIR.  TO SPEND YOUR WHOLE LIFE KNOWING SOMEONE AND BEING LOVED BY SOMEONE AND RAISED BY SOMEONE AND NEVER EVER SEEING THEM AGAIN IS NOT FAIR.  I AM SAD.” Jack Tait sat back and fell asleep.  His one lonely ball resting on the yellow pillow.

people are dull.  people are loud.  people are ignorant.  people are disrespectful.  people are dumb.  people are sleazy.  people are bullshitters.  people are fake.  people are phony.  people are sad.  people are pests.  people are safe.  people are fat.  people are lazy.  people are fake.  people are dull.  people are fake.  people are dull.  people are fake.  people are dull.  people are fake.  people are dull.  people are fake.  people are dull.  all that being said…I would fuck every single girl I know in the whole wide world…even if I only have one ball.  and I wouldn’t wear a condom.

Jack Tait came back.  he doesn’t know where he was or where he went but he is back so none of that other stuff matters.  he still has one ball.  still has one dick.  still has one heart but he can rarely find it.  he is constipated and hasn’t taken a shit in fourteen days.  he has gained fourteen pounds.  he has jerked off thirteen times and blown his load into a tissue twelve times.  the other time he blew his load directly into the toilet that he was masturbating on.  Jack Tait is horny and alone.  he once fucked one hundred and twenty girls but hasn’t fucked a single girl in twenty years.  he has fucked a giant Panda but he was drunk so it didn’t count.
  Jack Tait now walks nakedly towards the north pole.  he has no idea why.  he has stopped thinking.  he only feels.  he is a man of action and delight.  a man among wolves and parrots.  he continues to walk.  he looks up ahead and only sees skunks and raccoons.  he laughs and walks.  a car whizzes by and sprays Jack with water from a big greasy puddle.  Jack gives the gentlemen the middle finger.  the car quickly stops and turns around.  Jack grabs a big rock and waits.  the car stops.  a small man with long grey hair gets out.  Jack throws the rock at the man’s windshield and smashes it.  “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING BUDDY?  I WILL FUCKING SMASH YOUR FUCKING FACE IN YOU ONE BALLED FUCKING FREAK!!!”  the small man screams.  Jack laughs and walks over to the small man.  his one ball bouncing in the wind.  he smiles at him and begins to karate chop the small man’s head.  the small man starts crying and crying and crying some more.  “I GIVE UP…I GIVE UP.  YOU’RE TOO STRONG AND CRAZY.  I’M SORRY…I’M SORRY…STOP!!!”  Jack stops and laughs.  he picks up another rock and smashes it against the side window.  glass shattered.  “don’t you ever spray me again.  don’t you ever disrespect me again.  don’t you ever talk to me again.  now go home to Mommy and tell her I will be by to give her my 12 incher on Thursday.”  “okay Daddy.  I love you.”  “I love you too Frankie.”

Jack Tait sits by a campfire alone with a bottle of Jack Daniels and wonders what happened to his life.  just yesterday he was sitting at this same campfire but he appeared forty years younger.  he still had two balls and a big penis.  now he sits alone with one ball and a slightly shrivelled up penis.  he is more wrinkled and has less hair.  he has thirteen mosquito bites but he doesn’t scream…or yell.  he smiles .  he is drunk.  he is happy.  he is quiet.  he is peaceful.  he is a lovely man in a lovely world that has somewhat betrayed him.  Jack looks to the right and left and then to the Lord above.  he sees nothing.  he takes a big swig of his bottle and smiles once again.  he wishes he had a beautiful woman beside him.  he wishes he had a beautiful child beside him.  but he doesn’t so he drinks.
  forty years ago Jack made choices.  big choices.  small choices.  choices that seemed irrelevant but actually were really relevant.  life will suck you down if you allow it.  Jack drinks some more.  he listens for bears but only hears squirrels.  sometimes squirrels are better than humans.  “why are humans so god damned annoying???”  Jack whispers before tossing another piece of wood onto his beautiful hot fire.  Jack closes his eyes and gets a boner.  he is still alive.  sad.  lonely.  alone.  hot.  one ball.  old.  shrivelled.  pretty.  loving.  observant.  Jack opens up another forty of Jack.  he doesn’t want the fire to end.  he doesn’t want the night to end.  he doesn’t want life to end.  “Dad…is that you???”  a voice calmly speaks from behind Jack’s shitty tent.  Jack looks up and sees a lonely girl standing alone with blue shorts and a pink tank top.  she is crying.  Jack is silent.  he stares.  she stares back.  “Taylor…is that you???”  Jack calmly asks the lonely little girl.  “yes Dad…it’s me.”
Jack offers Taylor a swig from his forty of Jack and says, “I am so so sorry.  I love you.  I missed you.  I…”  Jack starts crying and stumbles over to his forty year old daughter and hugs her.  he continues to cry.  she hugs Jack back.  they pull apart after forty one minutes.  “Taylor?”  “yes.”  “I wish Mommy was here.”  “I know.”