Jack Tait visits Vatican City.

Jack Tait swam for miles across the English Channel to get from England to France.  he was drunk.  he was naked.  he was cold.  he was wet.  he had no money.  he had no clothes.  he had no toothbrush.  Jack Tait wasn’t even horny…for once.  he was determined to get to Vatican City to see the unveiling of the new Pope.  Jack had been to Vatican City as an eight year old boy and was forever changed.  he was never allowed to say just what happened on his last visit so he didn’t.  Jack Tait is a man of his word.  so he lived tortured and scared.  naked and lonely.  no one really understood poor Jack.  not even Jack himself.  he had prayed and prayed.  for years and years.  but none were ever answered.  Jack Tait is sixty years old.
  Jack arrived in France and went looking for the closest bike rental shop.  he asked many of the French settlers where one was but they never responded.  Jack Tait did not speak French.  Jack Tait walked and he walked.  through towns and cities and eventually he came upon a farm.  it was dark and rainy.  Jack stopped at the bottom of the dirt road driveway and looked up in the sky.  he saw an image of Hitler and thought that was strange.  he knew he had eaten six grams of magic mushrooms four hours earlier but he had never had a bad trip before.  this trip might be different.  he began walking up the dirt driveway and towards the house.  he began to hear strange horse sounds.  strange cow sounds.  strange racoon sounds.  strange lizard sounds.  everything was strange.  Jack continued.  he looked to the sky again and Castro was there.  Hitler and Castro conversing over a Cuban cigar and a German Lowenbrau.  both men were smiling.  Jack continued.  the sounds becoming louder.  the sounds becoming quieter.  louder.  quieter.  Jack was now sweating.  Jack stopped and looked behind him at the main road.  it was empty.  he looked back at the farm.  not far to go so Jack went.  he walked.  and he walked.  and he walked some more.  “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH FUCK ME.  WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!”  Jack looked around.  no one.  “is someone there?  hello?  hello?  i hear you but i do not see you.”  Jack continued to ask questions but continued to get silence back.  “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH  FUCK ME.  WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!”  Jack spun around again.  nothing.  Jack looked up to the sky.  Hitler.  Castro.  Rob Ford.  Jack Tait started running toward the house.  he arrived at the house.  rain was pouring down.  Jack was soaked.  lucky he was naked.  he began banging on the door.  “LET ME IN.  LET ME IN.  LET ME IN!!!”  no one answered.  Jack looked back and now fourteen big pigs were running up the driveway towards him.  they looked mad.  they were squealing.  Jack panicked.  “LET ME IN.  LET ME IN.  A BUNCH OF FUCKING PIGS ARE RUNNING UP THE DRIVEWAY AND THEY LOOK ANGRY.  OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!!!”  Jack began pounding and pounding.  noises intensifying.  pigs running faster.  Jack found an axe to the right of the front door and started bashing the door in.  four big swings and the door broke through.  Jack found a yellow tricycle and jumped on it and started pedalling as fast as he could.  a beautiful black woman was lying naked by an aquarium but Jack couldn’t wait.  the fourteen pigs were fast approaching.  squealing.  and squealing.  and “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH FUCK ME.  WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!”  that fucking voice would not stop.  Jack turned around and saw the beautiful black woman laughing hysterically.  the pigs barged through the remaining part of the front door and ate the black woman.  blood splattered everywhere.  Jack Tait was terrified.  he continued to pedal.  and pedal.  and pedal.  sweat dripping down his whole face.  his whole body.  Jack farted and once more looked up to the skies above and now saw Ralph Furly and Arthur Fonzarelli hanging with Hitler, Castro, and Rob Ford.  Rob Ford needs two names.  Hitler and Castro one.  Jack was starting to slow down.  the hungry pigs were starting to catch up.  now both parties in the middle of an open and empty cornfield in some part of rainy France.  no help in sight.  Jack turned right and quickly jumped off his bike.  he sat still.  it was dark.  he was huffing and puffing but he controlled his breathing somehow.  maybe yoga worked after all.  the fourteen pigs ran by.  they were huffing and puffing too.  they were naked.  they were pink with mud all over them.  some also had blood on them.  Jack sat still.  fearless and scared at the same time.  he wished he could join the party in the sky.  he looked up once again and saw nothing.  he looked back at his bike and it was gone.  he looked to the fourteen pigs but they were not pigs at all.  they were police officers.  “WHERE THE FUCK AM I AND HOW THE FUCK DID I GET HERE???”  Jack asked himself but himself did not answer.  The pigs turned around and spotted naked Jack.  “THERE HE IS.  GET’EM BOYS.”  the officers took off their clothes and started chasing Jack.  Jack was now terrified.  he ran by the cows.  he ran by the racoons.  he ran by the horses.  he ran by the dead black woman.  he ran by the axe.  he looked at his bloody hands and wondered if he killed the black woman but he saw the pigs kill the black woman.  Jack screamed, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH FUCK ME.  WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!”  he ran faster.  he ran harder.  he looked around and the officers were close.  they were horny.  they were hungry.  Jack ran faster.  Jack ran harder.  he looked up to the sky and no one was there.  the sun started shining.  he fell into a brown muddy river and disappeared.  the horny naked officers disappeared too.  Jack reappeared moments later.  he floated downstream but was not dead.  the naked officers floated too.  they all arrived at their destination.  VATICAN CITY.  Jack raised his hands to the officers and shouted, “I SURRENDER.  I GIVE UP.  I NO LONGER CAN DO THIS.  I LOVE YOU.  I HATE YOU.  I SEE EVIL AND NOTHING IS EVER DONE ABOUT IT.  THE WRONG PEOPLE DIE AND THE WRONG PEOPLE SUCCEED.  IF YOU WANT TO FUCK ME WITH YOUR STICKS GO AHEAD AND GET IT OVER WITH.”  the naked officers looked at Jack and smiled.  they all walked towards him holding hands and singing, “God Bless America.”  Jack was now crying in shame.  waiting in vain.  the naked officers all surrounded Jack and began blowing on him.  Jack cooled down.  his hair on his body stood up.  the moment of truth.  Jack closed his eyes and expected the worst.  twenty five minutes later he opened his eyes.  nothing.  naked officers gone.  tricycle gone.  dead and bloodied naked black woman gone.  farm gone.  river gone.  Hitler gone.  Castro gone.  Rob Ford gone.  Arthur Fonzarelli gone.  and finally Ralph Furley gone.  Jack Tait farted and went back to bed.  he wished he had never used drugs in his life but he did and he could not take that back.  Jack Tait will eventually die.  sad and alone.