Jack Tait…naked and alone.

Jack Tait sat in his purple reclining chair drinking a big bottle of Jack and looked outside and saw nothing but snow and ice.  he was tired and bored. lonely and sad.  he had fucked over one hundred and fifty girls in his life but only felt love three times.  he recently tried to recount how many times he had jerked off in his lifetime and he figured somewhere in the fifteen thousand range.  Jack Tait has always been a horny man.  no need to apologize.  in a world filled with geeks, wimps, pansies, maggots, and babies Jack Tait knew that he did not belong.  “the world is for the weak.  the follower.  the puppet.”  Jack Tait has one sagging ball and a big hairy belly.  Jack Tait is a legend.
  Jack knew that life was slowly coming to an end but he had no answers.  he was once a man filled with hopes.  dreams.  family.  options.  now he sits in his lonely farmhouse in the middle of nowhere and drinks his big bottle of Jack.  he occasionally leaves to attack the mice and squirrels but lately he has become bored.  tired.  lazy.  he wants to go out and experience new things.  new women.  new food.  but he has no money.  no hair.  no car.  he needs a  change of scenery but has lost his mind.  he recently was attacked by six Mexicans with long wavy black hair.  he was also attacked by fourteen drunk Indians.  Jack offered them his Jack Daniels but they laughed at him and began beating him to the ground with their peace pipes.  “fucking Indians and their fucking peace pipes.  next time an injun comes on my god damned property I will shove his peace pipe up his god damned drunken mother fucking ass Johnny!!!”
  Jack Tait smashed his bedroom window with his bat and fell out onto the snowy ground outside.  he jumped on his blue cold tricycle and started pedalling.  he was naked and red.  old and almost dead.  one ball dangling extremely close to his wheel.  Jack Tait was mad.  sad.  He was swinging his bat and cycling at the same time.  he learned this in grade three.  his teacher was dumb.  uninterested.  so was his principal.  Jack Tait continued to swing and also continued to scream.  “God save the Queen.  God save the Queen.  God save the Queen.”  Jack Tait was now frozen.  his mind fuzzy.  filled with sixty years of fucking mush and fucking lies.  sixty years of booze.  sixty years of failures and fights.  filled with memories of good friends.  and lousy fucks.  lousy people and lousy rules.  lousy jobs.  lousy bosses.  lousy Leaf teams.  lousy Blue Jays teams as well.  lousy mayors and lousy prime ministers.  one big fucking blob of lousiness!!!  Jack Tait suddenly fell off of his bike.  “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!”  Jack Tait rolled around in the snow with blood coming out of his ear and worms coming out of his bare bum.  “HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!  HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLP!!!  HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!”  screams went unanswered so Jack stopped screaming.  he jumped back on his bike and cycled into the closest indian town he could find.  he wanted booze and he wanted it fast.  he knew that he was stereotyping but he also knew that everyone stereotyped.  especially cops and bosses.  he quickly found a drunken chief on the side of the shitty road and drunkenly approached him.  “hey you drunken injun…you got any booze for sale???”  “who are you my fair son?”  “I am Jack Tait.  ruler of the lonely.  now do you have any booze?”  “for you Mr. Tait I will give you my right ball.”  Jack Tait sat back.  drunk.  confused.  he looked at chief and wanted to kiss him.  he wanted to rob him.  he wanted his right ball but knew that right balls were meant for right winged kooks.  he looked to the sky above and sang Gloria by The Doors.  he cried as he sang.  he was then attacked by a pit bull.  he fell to the ground with blood splattering out of his spleen.  “help.  please chief.  I will be your friend.  please?  help me.”  Jack Tait wanted help the way his Dad once wanted help when he lay on the ground paralyzed and dying from a major brain hemorrhage.  all the soccer kids watching.  “please chief.  please help me.”  Chief drunkenly staggered to the pit bull and with one tomahawk chop sliced the pit bull in half and saved poor Jack Tait.  he then ran off.  Jack stared as he lay bleeding profusely.  “I love you Chief.  I love you.”  the chief didn’t hear.  the sky became dark and Jack closed his eyes.  naked and alone.  one day closer to death.  one day closer to life.  365 days goes by very quickly.  in an instant you die.  sad.