happy valentine’s day.

don’t walk away.  please.  I need you.  I love you.  I will miss you.  and then it happened.  my Dad died.  gone.  lost.  confused.  ten years old with my whole life ahead of me.  but no Dad.  “life goes on.”  yes it does but does the pain ever leave?  permanently…no…temporarily…yes. 
  fights.  arrests.  drugs.  booze.  fucks.  bad grades and bad jobs.  “life goes on.”  yes.  without my Dad.  yes.  and then someone else comes along to die to take the pain away from my Dad.  “thanks for dying.”  temporary pain once again.  mixed in with blackouts and more fucks.  more arrests.  “life goes on.”  psychiatrists and doctors.  psychologists and twelve step programs.  pills and more pills.  books and pictures.  heart to heart talks.  teachers.  principals.  unanswered prayers and unanswered phonecalls.  more deaths and more fucks.  more jobs and more arrests.  more booze and more blackouts.  everything became more.  older and wiser???  yes and no???  wisers deluxe and jack daniels.  mushrooms and blow.  ecstasy and weed.  a never ending need to escape and live at the same time.  life is filled with contradictions and surprises.  boredom and excitement.  rules and uncertainty.
  the amazing experience of having a baby.  your baby.  your child.  your responsibility.  then the pressures of providing in a world filled with selfishness and nepotism.  dull people and dull jobs.  ceo’s and nametag owners. 
  anger raging and fewer and fewer outlets.  sick individuals who own companies and steal from their employees but then are revered at the same time.  always smiling.  another contradiction.  conservatives who applaud war and killing but frown upon abortion.  drugs are bad but dismissing the poor and irrelevant is okay.  lies and lies.  fake smiles and fake dresses.  even fake teeth.
  then suddenly I realize I am ten years older than ten years ago.  ten years closer to death.  maybe sooner.  more deaths.  friends.  diseases.  life continuing.  mourning and then continuing.  continuing until the next death.  sadness once again and then suddenly realizing that I will never see my Dad ever again.  soon to never see my Mom ever again.  at some point will never see my brother again.  tears beginning to flow down my zitty face.  valentine’s day and thinking of Triggy and Rylee and knowing that, at some point, I will be old and wrinkled.  sitting on a chair and counting down the days until I die and never ever seeing Rylee and Triggy again.  never seeing Rylee grow old and get married and have kids and succeed in this game of life.  “POOF.”  gone.  forgotten.  buried underground.  alone.  forgotten.  scary.  sad.  truthful.  don’t walk away.  please.
  knowing that I will never see Triggy and Rylee ever again when I die hurts me.  life.