JACK TAIT LOVES WOMEN’S TENNIS.

Jack Tait woke up from a four day binge of booze and drugs and slithered his way over to his toilet.  he sat down with a thud and stared at the dirty ground.  he sat down and groaned for thirty-five minutes.  he then stood up to look at the damage.  a clear water was now yellow mixed with brown and red.  Jack went to grab the toilet paper but only the roll was left.  he took off his shirt and wiped his bum with one stroke.  he then threw the shirt in the metal garbage can.  he walked awkwardly with his pants around his ankles to the outside hose.  he turned on the water and jammed it up his ass for another ten minutes.  Jack Tait also had a headache and was sweating profusely.  he turned off the water and pulled up his pants.  he came back inside and immediately grabbed a cold beer from his dirty fridge.  Jack Tait then sat down on his shitty purple reclining chair and opened up a magazine that was sitting on the floor.  it was a tennis magazine.  Jack was about to wonder how it got there when he saw a hot blonde girl with a mini skirt and a tennis racket hitting a ball.  her legs were spread wide open.  then he saw another girl with blonde hair hitting a ball with a mini skirt on and nice long legs.  then another girl with brown hair and mini skirt.  every single page had a picture of a hot girl in a mini skirt with beautiful long tanned legs and gorgeous white teeth.  Jack Tait began to touch his throbbing penis.  he touched and turned the page.  more hot girls in mini skirts.  Jack Tait had never seen a women’s tennis match in his life but instantly became a fan.  Jack Tait wasted his youth playing sports and watching men play sports never realizing that women’s sports were much more fascinating.  not the shotputters or the hairy under arm pitted German sprinters but the sports like tennis and golf where hot young girls parade around in mini skirts and bra’s.  he knew most men (geeks) pretended that they actually like women’s sports and pretended that they cared what hot young girl won Wimbledon.  Jack Tait didn’t give a fuck about scores or performance.  he watched women’s sports to jerk off and jerk off he did. 
  Four days of booze and drugs and blackouts equaled four more days of blown loads and blown confidence.  everything being blown down the drain.
  Jack Tait finished off his twenty-fourth masturbation session and decided to leave his shitty rundown farmhouse in the middle of nowhere.  he threw water on his face and tossed some toothpaste in his mouth.  he opened his fridge and grabbed his last and final beer.  he chugged it while he took a piss and then left his house.  he hopped on his blue tricycle and slowly rushed down his long narrow gravel driveway.  Jack Tait was on a mission.  he rode and rode and rode and rode.  he rode threw stop signs and stop lights.  threw yield signs and construction sites.  Jack Tait had a plan and nothing would get in his way.
  “LOOK OUT…LOOK OUT…I WILL BE YOUR BIGGEST FAN ANNA.  I LOVE YOUR LONG BLONDE HAIR AND TANNED BODY…I WILL BE YOUR BIGGEST FAN!!!”  Jack screamed as he rode through the boring town of Strathroy.  he was now naked.  he was wrinkled.  he was sweating and he was chilled.  Jack Tait was on a mission.  “I LOVE TENNIS EUGENIE.  I LOVE TENNIS MARIA.  I LOVE TENNIS PETRA.  I LOVE TENNIS AND I LOVE YOU!!!”
  Fourteen cops started following Jack but keeping their distance as he looked crazed and unpredictable.  he also had one hairy ball dangling very close to the front wheel.  Fourteen quickly turned into sixteen and then twenty-four.  sirens were blaring and the rain started pouring down.  Jack Tait was horny.  Jack Tait was serious.  Jack Tait was tired but Jack Tait found his new passion…watching women’s tennis.  He snuck past two more cops and then down a sideroad that read Sideroad County 11.  Jack Tait had almost arrived.  “I’M COMING TO GET YOU ANNA.  I’M COMING TO GET YOU EUGENIE.  I’M COMING TO GET YOU MARIA AND PETRA.  I”M COMING TO WATCH ALL OF YOU!!!”
  Jack Tait arrived at his destination…the famed Strathroy International Tennis Club.  he jumped off of his tricycle and ran as fast as he could to the tennis courts.  he sat down and wiped the sweat from his face.  the twenty-four cops stood back watching his every move. 
  “GOOD GAME!!!  GREAT GAME!!!  I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!  I LOVE WOMEN’S TENNIS.  I WISH I SIGNED UP FOR WOMEN’S TENNIS WHEN I WAS A KID.  I WISH…”
  suddenly a ten year old girl holding a tennis racquet and a can of tennis balls sat beside Jack.  Jack smiled.  the girl smiled back.  she had glasses on and a blonde ponytail.  she looked at Jack and Jack looked back.  “Dad?  is that you?  is it really you?  where have you been?  I miss you soooo much.  do you want to play tennis with me?  I’m good but not as good as Eugenie and Maria.  they are my idols…especially Eugenie.  I met her last week.  she is so nice and kind and she even let me hit balls with her and then bought me an ice cream cone.  is it really you Dad?  Dad…is it you?”
  Jack stared at his daughter.  he didn’t know what to say.  he didn’t move but tears were streaming down his face.  he last saw his daughter five years ago but that was in a drunken stupor and he hadn’t seen her since.  he always had excuses when Taylor wanted to play with him.  “not now later.  I’m tired.  In a minute Taylor.  Tomorrow.”  everything was tomorrow for Jack and now it is today and he is filled with guilt.  filled with shame and filled with pain.  Jack jumped on his tricycle and nakedly rode away.  the cops were all crying too so they let him be.  cops are humans too.
  Jack slowly and methodically rode his blue tricycle back home.  he stopped at all the stop signs.  he stopped at all the traffic lights.  he even stopped at the yield signs and construction zones.  Jack Tait was a new man.  He arrived home and opened his fridge.  NOTHING.  he then went to his bedroom and opened up a yearbook that his daughter once sent him.  there was a very cute picture of Taylor with some little words underneath.  it read, “when I grow up I want to be a professional tennis player.”  Jack Tait closed the book and cried.