I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M FUCKING FORTY EIGHT FUCKING YEARS OLD!!!

another year older.  another year wiser.  another year angrier.  another year sadder.  more aches.  more pains.  less hair.  less brains.  more thoughts keeping me awake at night.  more pills to put me to sleep.  more booze.  more wrinkles.  a never ending restlessness to do something with my life.  something impactful.  something meaningful.  something worthwhile.  another day closer to death.  another day closer to never seeing my family again.  ever.  FUCK TGIF.  FUCK MOST PEOPLE.
the pinched nerve in my neck leaves but then the flu comes.  the flu leaves and then the pinched nerve comes back.  three more days off of my life.  trying to work with people twenty years younger but the younger you are the less restless.  the less important things are NOW.  “I’m only twenty-five.  I have my whole life ahead of me.”  very true.  I cannot argue so I move onto others.  I am in a never ending battle with myself to do something meaningful.  while others watch Kardashians and other useless reality shows I am reading books.  running.  drinking.  fucking.  masturbating.  going to psychiatrists.  taking pills.  looking deep inside to find the truth of my being.  the truth of life.  which is the truth of my being.  love is very important.  hate is also important.  and do not let the peasants fool you.  they tell you to love the ones you hate.  well I say, “HATE THE ONES YOU HATE.”  who gives a fuck about the haters.  they don’t care about you.  in fact, most people don’t care about you.  they don’t care about me.  we look for approval.  we look for advice.  we look for “likes” on our posts.  we look for phony people to like our phony posts.  FUCK EVERYONE AND LIVE YOUR LIFE THE WAY YOU WANT TO LIVE IT.  we all die.  we do not go to heaven because there is no heaven.  another sad lie that was told to me when I was a child.  lies that go unpunished.  liars.  cheaters.  murderers.  rapists.  dumb people in big dumb trucks.  we are a society filled with do gooders and rule followers but then revere the rule breakers.  the innovators.  the troublemakers.  the thinkers.
if you strive to be happy through accumulating wealth you will NEVER be happy.  you will either drown in debt or you will succeed in getting rich at the expense of your life.  your wife.  your family.  your health.  your fun.  you will chase and chase and the carrot will be two inches away from your mouth the way your dick is two inches away from your mouth when you try to give yourself a blowjob.  TORTURE.  TORTURE.  TORTURE.  bent neck.  pinched nerve.  “Is that how it happened?”  getting old sucks.  don’t let the eighty year old haggard lady fool you.  our society is filled with liars.  now.  then. 
line-ups at Pandora.  bratty kids throwing toy guns in restaurants.  hot waitresses…always.  are there never guy servers?  skimpy dresses.  “DON’T LOOK!!!”  of course not…I am married.  DON’T CHEAT.  DON’T LOOK AT PORN.  DON’T JERK OFF.  DON’T DRINK.  DON’T LUST AFTER SOMEONE.  DON’T FLIRT.  DON’T TALK ABOUT SEX.  DON’T HAVE THREESOMES.  DON’T HAVE FIVESOMES.  DON’T HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX.  DON’T HAVE AN ABORTION.  DON’T THINK TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  rules made by priests who diddle young boys.  principals.  suit wearing clergymen. 
we are all dying a slow death.  fact.  not fiction.  you can’t escape it.  inevitably your time will come.  hopefully painless.  hopefully peaceful.  DO NOT DIE ON THEIR TERMS. 
steam rooms.  long lonely drives.  Brian Jonestown Massacre.  malls.  packed parking lots.  packed shoppers.  no money.  no souls.  no hearts.  no brains.  a race to the bottom.  no style.  no thoughts…of their own.  sad dreams.  sad parents.  a vicious cycle of never knowing someone.
why do the wrong parents have the most kids?
I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M FUCKING FORTY EIGHT FUCKING YEARS OLD!!!