less psychiatrist’s and more wine.

why is my life filled with so much frustration?  so much struggle?  a struggling mind and a decaying body.  a man with no answers and no direction.  a man waking up everyday at 7am and going to bed every night at 11:30pm.  life was never this difficult but now it is.  yoga.  cycling.  running.  pill popping.  psychiatrists.  self help books.  meditation.  so much drive but no results.  is life this difficult for others?  no more fun.  no more debauchery.  no more fire.  pop culture trying to get the better of me but I refuse.  shit is shit no matter how anyone spins it.  shit music and shit movies offering up nothing of value.  nothing of substance.  routines getting me nowhere.  an unpredictable mind with a heavy heart is a recipe for disaster but the disaster continues to work.  continues to strive.  continues to drive.  continues to be alive.  edgy and confused one day.  calm and confident the next.  happy and alive one day.  tired and depressed the next.  wanting help from psychiatrists but only getting pills.  medications.  medications that further fog my mind.  my brain.  clogged up brain cells and foggy vision.  emotions bubbling on the surface but trying to fit my mind and body in a square when I am clearly a circle.  need another coffee.  need another drink.  wine.  red wine.  red wine and good music.  the Smith’s.  Joy Division.  The Pogues.  listen.  feel.  drink.  think.  stop thinking.  stop thinking.  stop thinking.  FUCKING FEEL.  FUCKING FEEL.  FUCKING FEEL.  stop thinking.  feel.  stop thinking.  feel.  stop thinking.  feel.

I sit in silence.  alone.  Rylee and Nicole in bed.  sleeping.  me alone and drinking.  listening.  feeling.  thinking.  DON’T THINK.  DO.  DO.  DO.  don’t listen to anyone and do what you need to do.  DO.  DO.  DO.  or die.  die a slow death.  confused and slow.  foggy.  confused.  slow.  death.

Roger’s offers up about 150 channels but maybe 3 are worth watching.  why is there so much shit on tv?  who watches this shit?  does it make them feel better?  are we a society of pussies and politically correct robots that wrinkle up and die?  quietly.  alone.  where are the big creators???  me?  certainly not YOU.  you offer up rehashed garbage that is worse than vermin.  it is NOTHING.  DULL.  OBVIOUS.

more shootings in the States.  but life goes on.  gun law debates that lead nowhere.  planes being downed overseas.  wars raging on.  innocent children being killed over greed and ego’s.  a sad life.  a sad world.  selfies more important than love.  real love.  real connection.  human connection.  not robotic connection.  the heart and soul which was once prevalent has been buried underneath fake facades and fake news.  fake movies.  fake music.  fake tv.  fake presidents.  fake lips.  fake hair.  fake breasts.  fake smiles.  and fake wars.  everything fake.  everything dull.  CREATE.  CREATE.  CREATE.

I sure hope there are some people out there living life to it’s fullest because I certainly am not.  I am aware that I am not which is always the first step to change.  I do not waste my life away in front of bad tv and bad music but I still am wasting my life away.

too much brain and not enough heart.  always listening to the inner voices of shame.  doubt.  do people change?  can they change?  laziness never my issue.  too much energy and not enough structure wreaking havoc on my life.  my family’s life.  less books and more typing.  less drugs and more exercise.  less psychiatrists and more wine.  trust.  trust.  trust.  do.  do.  do.

parenting is hard.

parenting is difficult.

parenting is a struggle.

trying to connect.  always trying to connect.

I connect everywhere with everyone except at home.  why?  is this me?  them?

I look around and see clutter.  everywhere.  clutter.  I need less distraction.  less noise.  more peace.  more clarity.

too many fake artists.  fake people.  fake smiles.  fake promises.

not enough heart.

not enough soul.

love.

life.

fuck everyone.

love everyone.

so much average in the world.

but maybe the average are happy.

I am confused.

lost.

let go.

accept.

just be.

breathe.