date number three. first kiss???

woke up early.  had a coffee.  two.  had a smoothie.  two.  drove Rylee to her basketball practice.  snowy.  cold.  I dropped her off at the front of the school.  “I love you Rylee.”  “Love you too” was her reply.  Kind of awkward.  kind of self conscious.  hitting an age where she doesn’t want her old hairy Dad to kiss her in public and tell her that I love her in public.  drifting away in some respects.  getting closer in others.  needing patience as a Dad. always needing patience.

I came back home and did a bit of work.  answered some emails.  made a few calls.  nothing earth shattering.  boring work.  tedious work.  uninspiring work.  discussed life with Nicole.  discussed struggles and possible solutions.  always discussing struggles and possible solutions.

I left the house to head downtown.  had a quick drop off to do at a store on Queen Street and then had my third adhd appointment with my adhd doctor.  I wanted to go to the gym first for some cycling and reading but as always I left too late and therefore headed straight downtown in the snowy weather.  Nicole told me to drive safe but I always drive safe.  I drove slowly down hwy 10 and headed onto hwy 410.  I was preparing myself for the maniacal drivers weaving in and out of lanes at excessive speeds without a thought nor care for anyone but themselves.  this is a daily occurrence.  LIVES MATTER but these assholes do not care.  I began my deep breathing while listening to Sigur Ros.  I was calm.  I was ready.  I turned the bend from 10 onto 410 and was pleasantly surprised.  there was a backlog of cars driving at extremely reduced speeds.  I was shocked.  I was relieved.  I was happy.  the assholes had to drive slowly as there were four big trucks with snowploughs on the highway clearing the roads.  such a delight.  such a breeze to drive.  while I was happy.  calm.  the assholes were restless.  mad.  I LOVED IT!!!!

the drive took a little longer than usual but it was also much more relaxed than usual.  less stress.  less anger.  more peaceful.  I drove with a semi smile.  a semi hard on.  I always have a semi hard on.  one day I will be old and shrivelled up and probably won’t have a semi hard on.  life can be sad.

I made it down to the store on Queen Street in record time.  no traffic.  the bad weather must have kept drivers off of the roads.  I parked my car illegally and quickly dropped off a box of shoes to the manager.  she was cute.  they always are.  I then told her that I had to go and quickly ran back outside to my illegally parked car.  I jumped in my car and drove north on Spadina.  I was making good time for my next appointment.  I made my way to Bloor Street and turned left. I had a little bit of extra time and so I quickly parked illegally and quickly went inside Freshii for some healthy food.  I ordered my food and the pretty Asian girl behind the counter smiled and took my money.  I paced around while waiting.  hoping that I wouldn’t get a parking ticket.  The parking enforcement officers are vultures.  they seem to hide behind trees and other parked cars and when you park illegally they quickly run out and slap a ticket on your car and take off before an altercation ensues.  a fight ensues.  a physical altercation ensues.  what a shitty job.  who would want to annoy people all day?  working for “the man” who pretends to like you but doesn’t give a fuck about you as he smiles at you and shakes your slimy hand.  maggots.

anyway, my food came quickly and I quickly ran outside to my car.  everything quick once again.  no ticket.  no tow.  no maggot.  I jumped in my car and quickly ate my Buddha Bowl filled with chicken and noodles and green onions and broccoli and hot sauce.  the day was working out perfectly.

I finished my food and quickly drove up Bathurst Street.  turned right onto St. Clair and pulled over to the right hand side to park my shitty car in a snowy city on a hacked up road in a rich area.  Forest Hill.  Doctor’s appointment.  makes sense.  the day was making sense.  FLOW.  I was in FLOW.

I parked my car and walked into my appointment.  I had stopped taking my meds so I wasn’t sure what the doctor would say.  I didn’t care.  I was free.  alive.  clear.  no headaches.  no angst.  I could sleep.  I could drive.  I had direction again.  confident again.  I waited in the waiting room and then Dr. Hamidi came out.

“come in” she said.  so I did.  I sat on the couch opposite her and she asked me to begin.  I told her about my pills and not taking them.  I told her that I felt GREAT.  I was alive.  free.  she had a big smile on her face.  she was happy.  she looked good.  short skirt.  nice legs.  she told me that “most people with adhd struggle but for those who have a high IQ like yourself then it is a blessing as you have been blessed with lots of energy and excitement.  you never want to sit still.  this is a great blessing.  you are very fortunate.”

I had a huge smile on my face as I jumped up and down and told her stories about past successes and dreams and goals and projects that I have on the go.  she was beaming from ear to ear.  She then asked me if I would like to try Strattera as it is not a stimulant and could help with anxiety plus adhd.

“Will it affect my sex drive?”  I asked.

“No it shouldn’t.  I don’t think you would have any issues in that department.”  she replied with a smile.

I became horny.  or I was horny and her words made me more horny.  she continued on and spoke about Cialis and I told her that I will never need Cialis.  She laughed and agreed.  both of us laughing.  both of us flirting.  both of us married.  both of us with kids.  pretty girls everywhere.  handsome guys everywhere (not for me).  our appointment continued.  she then told me that I still have issues with my Dad dying and probably have ptsd.  she said that that is not her area of expertise but she could refer me to an expert in that field.  I said that would be great.  She then said, “you may not like her as she is younger.”
“Why would that be an issue?”  I said. “I am sick of old white guys with average talent and zero heart trying to help me.  So sick of it.”

she laughed.  so did I.  I think she liked me.  or found me interesting.  alive.  maybe she was bored at home.  maybe she needs to get laid.  maybe her husband has a small penis and she wants to be satisfied.  I am not sure.

I finished my appointment and Dr. Hamidi told me to come back in three weeks after trying Strattera.  I will not take the Strattera.  I will not take any more meds.  But I will go back.  I will flirt with her again.  innocent flirting. I am married.  so is she.

I walked out of the door back into the wintery wonderland not looking forward to my long and dull drive home.  I took a big deep breath and my mind took over.  lots of questions.  lots of thoughts.  lots of excitement.  lots of hope.

can we really be monogamous?  are we meant to be monogamous?  do girls think of other guys the way guys think of other girls?  why have we stopped ourselves from open sex?  open love?  would we be happier if we could be polygamous?  no guilt.  no shame.  is having one mate for your whole life normal?  what is normal?  who made up all of these rules?  who made up our rules of living?  are they still relevant in today’s society?

rules.  love.  marriage.  sex.  age.  old age.  young age.  wrinkled.  smooth skinned.  decades.  youth.  middle age.  old age.  sex.  sexless.  impotent.  horny.  horny and impotent.  sad.  sag.  lifeless.  rules.  dumb rules.  breathe.  live.  love.  do not hurt.  kids.  how much do they know?  not know?  how much should they know.  innocent.  fearless.  fear.  hope.  let go.  live.  love.  and be free.

questions.

always lots of questions.