tired. depressed. slow. feelings of hopelessness. feelings of despair. feelings of loneliness. feelings of abandonment. lost. confused. cluttered mind. cluttered heart. sweaty then cold. horny. manic. afraid. constantly afraid. immobile but constantly moving. daily planner going unused. frustrating to family but frustrated myself. same issues. same problems. constant cycle that leads to nowhere. back to square one. back to the books. back to the pills. back to the meditations. back to the booze. back to slowing down and feeling dull. feeling bored. but the dull and boring feelings are better than the manic depressed feelings. and one more day down the drain. how many are left? where is the love? where is the support? love and support falling by the wayside the way my dad once fell by the wayside. back to the psychiatrist. back to talking and talking but remaining in a vicious cycle of shame. cycle of pain. stuck in a remote town in the middle of nowhere offering up hikes, runs, cycles, and Starbucks. but I remain frozen. frozen in pain. frozen in fear. frozen in lost loves and long time memories. reading books that I never finish. writing scripts that I never finish. skipping auditions. skipping my medications. skipping through life as life passes me by. lost. still lost. still confused. still abandoned. still tired. tired. alone. forgetful. weak. realizing that I have never learned how to do anything. I can’t cook. I can’t change a lightbulb. I can’t put on a spare tire on my car. I can’t really do much and yet I try to pass my great knowledge onto others. I try to help when I can’t help myself. adhd. anxiety. depression. manic depressive. hypo manic. dyslexic. ptsd. are these all excuses? are they real? mental illness still so confusing to so many including myself. shame sets in again as people look at me with disgust in their eyes. coldness in their hearts. years ago my dad suddenly died. so did my nana. she died a month after my dad. a month after that my Mom collapsed on our upstairs bathroom floor. too many tranquillizers. too much pain. a few years later I was sexually abused. a few years after that I drank way too much. I ended up in jails and addiction facilities. I experienced lots of frustration. lots of shame. I felt shit about myself. others thought that I was shit. life constantly going on for everyone. my dad buried underground. long forgotten by most. love. where is the love? where is the love? where is the love? what happens to people when they get older? do their hearts shrivel up? do they get shattered. pain and drama and anxiety and stress and bills and children issues and car issues and hair issues and school issues and more money issues and more family issues but life keeps moving. it never stops until you stop. until you die. and death is closer and life is more confusing. lists and lists and lists and goals and goals and goals. life goals and daily lists and at the end of the week…NOTHING. just wasting my life away wasting it away with bad shows and bad food. a life that once had so much promise getting pushed further and further into defeat. solutions? answers? hope? mental illness or excuses? shame? guilt? head still cluttered. heart still cluttered. everything sore. everything cluttered. cluttered house and cluttered life equals zero productivity. LOTS OF FEAR. LOTS OF FEAR. LOTS OF FEAR. FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS? FEAR IN LOATHING IN ORANGE VEGAS? everyone has an answer and yet I see no answers. talent wasted. but I am dizzy. I am confused. I am frightened. I am lost. I am sad. I am afraid. I will now go to bed and try to fall asleep.
I really really really feel bad for Taylor. such an amazing kid. “I’m sorry.”
notanotherphony. 