woke up today alive. ready to begin a new day with new hopes and new dreams. morning hike. morning coffees then long drive down to Toronto for my psychiatrist appointment. good music. lots of traffic. new attitude. new life. not one filled with yoga and meditation and self help books and podcasts by gurus and praying to a god that I don’t believe in. NO today was a new day filled with new confidence. a new attitude. a new outlook on life. an attitude that is filled with the mantra of FUCK EVERYONE. not that I want to FUCK EVERYONE nor do I hate everyone but it is an attitude that gets me away from people pleasing and doing the “right thing” and worrying about what other’s think. a healthy new attitude which is really going back to my old attitude. my core. my authentic self. I mean do people really care about other’s? they are so focused on their own lives and the lives of celebrities that they don’t have time for other “normal” people.
I sat in the waiting room of my psychiatrist’s office and read some pages of American Buffalo. a much better “self help” book than Learn To Let Go or Eckart Tolle books. A book that fires me up. gets me excited. inspires me. excites me. I read some scenes and envisioned myself acting them out. a fiery performer filled with passion and balls falling into the depths of boredom and stillness. Stillness. Present. In the moment. all useless terms thrown around in a useless industry that applauds useless fake actors and useless fake youtube stars. an industry filled with puppets and robots and dull shows with dull cardboard cutouts. FUCK ALL OF THEM. HOW HAVE WE DIGRESSED SO MUCH? SO LOW? WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? WHY ARE THERE SO MUCH SHEEP? SO MUCH PUPPETS? FAKE FOLLOWERS WITH FAKE SMILES AND FAKE FRIENDS. a disgusting society that is getting more disgusting and more dull. more fake and more sad.
My psychiatrist called me in and I excitedly walked into her room. I sat down on the couch and pretty soon I jumped up and began telling my psychiatrist about my new changes and new attitudes and new beliefs. I was on fire. sweating. moving. speaking loudly with conviction and balls. not without balls. not tiny balls. but big fat loud balls with big fat conviction. no time for meditation and listening to nature sounds. give me the Rolling Stones or Red Hot Chili Peppers. I want to live not die. I want to move not sit. I want to be loud and fun and engaging and fiery and controversial and abrupt and abrasive and unique and weird and exciting. I DO NOT want to sit and breathe and relax and close my eyes. I WANT MY EYES TO BE WIDE OPEN AND MY MOUTH MOVING AND MY ARMS FLAILING.
after my rant in my doctor’s office I sat down and took a breath. she agreed with my new attitude and then gave me a bunch of prescriptions for adhd and I left. jumped in my car and drove home. I picked up a coffee on the way. My third of the day. no food. I listened to great music in the car. got home. went for another hike. fresh air. moving. constantly moving. two hikes in one day. always two hikes in one day. no point to the story. no point to bad movies. bad shows. bad music. just no point. dull. shit. politically correct. fighting nothing. challenging nothing.
story is shit.
I am rusty.
no more self help books.
no more doctors.
no more coaches.
no more yoga.
no more meditation.
no more McDonald’s.
no more wasting my time with dull people with dull opinions.
MOST PEOPLE BORE ME SO I HAVE TO AVOID THEM.
WINE.
BOOK.
FILM.
MUSIC.
SLEEP.
CONTRARY TO WHAT THE EXPERTS SAY…DO NOT SIT STILL. MOVE. ALWAYS MOVE. ALWAYS YELL. NEVER WHISPER. NEVER SIT. DO NOT BE STILL. DO NOT WASTE TIME.
NEVER WASTE TIME.
WASTING TIME IS BAD FOR THE SOUL.
FUCK EVERYONE.
notanotherphony. 