went to bed. couldn’t sleep. our dog sleeping at the end of the bed. taking up all of my leg room. I toss. I turn. I toss some more. pop one sleeping pill. then another. take a piss. still can’t sleep. dog whining. I get up and bring him downstairs. put him outside. try to call him in but he refuses to come in. he wants to be outside. I want to sleep. dogs can be stubborn. so can I. I close the door and attempt to go to sleep on the couch. tight for room. no room for my arms. snuggle under the covers. sore stomach from all the pills. feel like I am going to barf. I also have a zit on the side of my nose that refuses to go away. stubborn just like my dog and me. stubbornness a quality that I like when it is from me but I hate when it is from someone else. contradictions. so many contradictions. I am, finally, almost asleep when I hear barking from outside. forgot about my dog. get up. open the door. let him in. he licks me and then lays down under the couch where I am sleeping. my wife and daughter fast asleep. I have to work in the morning. anticipate being tired. accept that I will be tired. acceptance. allowing. semi-understanding. I fall asleep. dreams. good dreams. forgotten dreams. intense dreams. forgotten in the morning. I wake up to licking and whining by my dog. I look at the clock. 5:30am. I don’t need to wake up until 7am. life. constant struggles. constant adjustments. constant annoyances and constant love. contradictions once again. the yin and the yang.
I wake up and my dog jumps on me. licks me. kisses me bites me. scratches me. he loves me. I love him. but I am not sure if he is aware of time. aware of work. aware of his space. but I love him. and he loves me. unconditional love. even when I sit down to write with a morning coffee by my side I get bugged by barking outside. and barking for food. and barking to go back outside. and then barking to go upstairs. and then when I go to pick him up to bring him upstairs he runs away from me so I smash the wall with a baseball bat and then break the window with a baseball. I scream. I holler. I yell. I throw a tantrum.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.”
dog is sleeping upstairs. I wake my family up. they ask if I am okay. I tell them that I am tired. they tell me that I need help. I tell them that I am lonely. They tell me that I am crazy. I tell them that I am lost. lonely. tired. bored. frustrated. confused. getting old. thinking of dying. thinking of the past. memories from youth. great memories. hockey memories. soccer memories. baseball memories. tennis memories. getting molested. Dad dying. false arrests. drunken debauchery. toasted western sandwiches for lunch at the Vines house. my Dog now eating my daughter’s bag. he stops me from writing again. my eyes are tired from no sleep. my tongue is brown and purple from too much wine and too much coffee. no water. never any water. “Drink lots of water.”
I look round and now my dog is eating the carpet.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
no time.
never enough time to write.
NO SLEEP TIL BROOKLYN.
a great start to the day.
FUCK.
LET’S MOVE AND SHAKE THIS SHIT UP!!!
bye.
notanotherphony. 