my mind has been busy. my eyes are blurry. my heart beating fast. my focus waning. running. drinking. reading. drinking. sleeping pills. anxiety meds. adhd meds needed but most make my head hurt. my mind race. my hands twitch. my body tight. my mouth dry. when will I ever get the right meds? when will I ever relax? when will I ever be still? wanting therapy but therapy too expensive. wanting help but help too expensive. free help is available but it is free and, therefore, never as good. never as precise. long waiting periods for average help. a never ending vicious cycle. the leaders pretend that they care about mental illness but they do not. typical lying politicians in a typical corporate world filled with too many lies and too much deception.
STAY AWAY. STAY AWAY. STAY AWAY. DO NOT GET SUCKED IN. DO NOT GET SUCKED IN. POLITICS IS DULL. POLITICS IS EVIL. POLITICS IS DIRTY. DOES ANYTHING EVER CHANGE? MINIMAL CHANGE BUT MAXIMUM PROMISES FILLED WITH MAXIMUM LIES AND MAXIMUM COVER UPS. A NEVER ENDING CYCLE OF AVERAGE RICH PEOPLE OFFERING UP AVERAGE WORK WITH AVERAGE PLANS. DULL. DULL. DULL. AVOID AT ALL COSTS. POLITICS BRINGS ABOUT ANGER. HATRED. SCREAMING. YELLING. RACIST REMARKS FROM RACISTS. DUMB MEMES FROM DUMB PEOPLE WHO HAVEN’T READ A BOOK SINCE HIGH SCHOOL. MORE ANGER AND VITRIOL THROWN AT GRETA THUNBERG THAN AT HARVEY WEINSTEIN. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF RACIST PEOPLE WITH DUMB OPINONS AND DULL LIVES. “FUCK OFF AND KEEP YOUR SHITTY OPINIONS TO YOURSELVES!!!”
Now art is a different matter. real art. not Hollywood. not shitty television shows that appeal to the masses. not super hero movies and bad comedies that don’t really make anybody laugh. not wannabe Hollywood shows on micro budgets. not fluff. no more fluff needed. leave the fluff for Hollywood.
I am talking ART. ART. ART that makes people feel. makes people think. makes people look at life differently. challenging the status quo and making a statement.
we need more ART and less politics.
we need to feel more and think less. WE NEED MORE LOVE AND LESS HATE. we need more human connection and less fake connections on social media. we need to support people who are trying to change the world for the better (GRETA THUNBERG) and chastise those who are trying to make it worse (TRUMP).
I am slowly getting sucked back into politics. DON’T FUCKING DO IT!!!! IT IS A WASTE OF MY MOTHERFUCKING TIME. IT IS A RACE TO NOWHERE. IT IS A TIME WASTER OF EPIC PROPORTIONS.
make art.
create art.
tell stories.
tell stories about how my Dad died suddenly when I was 10 years old.
tell stories of how my Nana died one month later (she lived with us).
tell stories about how my brother and I came home from school a few months after my Dad died and we witnessed Paramedics taking my passed out Mom away in an ambulance. She collapsed after taking too many tranquillizers.
tell stories about how my brother and I were taken away from my Mom for a month while she recovered in a hospital and we wondered what was happening to our lives.
tell stories about how I was molested one morning after hitching a ride with an old Greek man after lining up all night at Markville Mall for Bruce Springsteen tickets.
tell stories about drunken debauchery and lost years filled with fucks and fights and arrests and rehab centers and AA meetings and more drunken debauchery and more lonely mornings in drunk tanks.
tell stories about the 40 years of psychiatrists and psychotherapists and psychologists and pills and more pills and more struggles and then more psychotherapists and then more hope and more debt and then sadness and then hope and then manic behaviour and then BIG DREAMS AND BIG HOPES AND THEN MORE DISAPPOINTMENTS AND MORE LOSSES. running. cycling. yoga. meditation. self help books and self help videos and one diagnosis and then another and then another and then another and then more pills. more drunkenness. more hope. more struggles.
act.
write.
feel.
feel.
feel.
busy mind. SLOW DOWN!!! PLEASE SLOW DOWN!!!
I AM BEING CHASED DOWN THE STREET AND I AM NAKED AND ALONE. IS ANYONE OUT THERE????
SO TIRED.
SO LONELY.
SO BORED.
SO LOST.
SO HURT.
my mind is buzzing with various noises. a sort of humming. hard to describe.
love.
I had a great visit with my Mom today.
she is still hurt.
still alone.
sad.
love.
life is love.
DO NOT ENGAGE IN FUCKING POLITICS.
IT WILL FUCKING KILL ME.
my life is a gift.
a gift…sad gift…but a gift nonetheless.
I miss playing hockey at Crosby Arena.
youth.
long ago.
vivid memories.
so many ups.
so many downs.
so many friends.
so much love.
life.
brain still has the hum.
what is it doctor?
what is it doctor?
what is it doctor?
am I dying?
why is everything humming?
human connection.
human connection.
human connection.
family connection.
family connection.
family connection.
connect.
love.
connect.
love.
connect.
love.
soon everyone will be gone.
soon everyone will be gone.
soon everyone will be gone.
hello?
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
life.
notanotherphony. 