I really have no idea about a lot of things. I have managed to get through life but I am still as lost now as I was back when I was twenty. or maybe it was when I was thirty. Or maybe forty. Anyway, I am still lost. still confused. still trying to learn about life. learn about people. learn about myself. I do not have money. I do not have a big house. nor do I have a nice car. I have succeeded many times in my life but also failed miserably many times. I have failed over and over and over again. then a success hits and I have hope. have optimism. I am a great guy…according to many people. I am filled with love. filled with life. smart. healthy. funny. active. intelligent. passionate. many people continue to support me even when they have dealt with the worst of me. I have had friends reach out to me from the past who have forgiven me for stupid shit that I did back then. no matter how much I fuck up people still like me. still love me. still support me. still hope for me. I am getting older and still struggling. I see lots of phoniness in this world. lots of fake people in fake houses with fake smiles and even faker hearts but so be it. that is their life not mine. I also see lots of anger and lots of anger minus intelligence. I see loud dull people everywhere. and if I don’t see them I hear them. I feel that our society is damaged. dull. fake. phony. but if that is what we want then that is what we get. I am still failing at life. failing at work. failing at fatherhood. failing at marriage. failing at family. but I am always optimistic in spite of my confusion. do not take advice from me. my advice hasn’t worked. I still struggle. I still search. I still take pills and see psychiatrists and psychotherapists. I try. I always try. I hate sitting still. I hate acting. I hate sleeping. I hate many things but I don’t really hate. HATE IS A STRONG WORD. I don’t really hate anyone. I have empathy for all. I feel for the underdog. I understand the underdog. I like the underdog. I like the troubled. I am bored by the successful. boring people are boring. boring words coming out of boring mouths in boring homes with boring wives. but I remain positive. I am not religious but I spoke with a priest for two hours last week after my wife’s Grandma’s funeral. I then set up a meeting at the church to talk with him again. two more hours. great conversation. almost converted but then I read Bukowski and looked down and saw my two balls and decided against the conversion. I decided against the pretense. But if someone is religious or has real faith then I am happy for them. I wish I had it. or have it. past and present. but I don’t and I can’t fake it till I make it. my mind DOES NOT work that way. movies are boring. Hollywood movies. there are some great indie films but I prefer reading. Bukowski now. Bukowski then. real. dirty. honest. raw. open. BUKOWSKI. very few have heard of him and he brings lots to the world. many have heard of Kim Kardashian and she brings very little to the world. I do not HATE her as she is human but I don’t find her interesting nor do I find her attractive. I find her plastic. dull. phony. I prefer poor. I prefer natural. I prefer great conversation over amusement parks. I prefer honesty over fantasy. but I DO NOT HATE ANYONE. even sick violent people are human. they were born into this world and, as kids, probably had dreams and hopes but were brought up in living hell with troubled parents and troubled minds. mental health is talked about but never really taken seriously. it is sad. it is becoming sadder. women continuing to have plastic faces and talking about plastic things. guys talking about their trucks and their balls. even guys with small balls pretend they have big ones. random conversations with random people opening up their hearts and minds to me. opening up constantly. I HAVE A GIFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now in spite of all of my struggles and all of my failures I continue to move forward. I continue to try. I exercise daily. and on my daily runs I meet many people. happy people. women. men. black. white. Chinese. east Indian. I run into people of all shapes and all sizes. people who I know nothing about. strangers. strangers. strangers. strangers out walking and running on the trails of Hockley. the trails around Island Lake. the trails in Mono. Mono Cliffs. happiness. happy. love. smiles. waves. connections. human connections. human connections. human connections and human love. nature combined with exercise brings the best out of people. it makes people feel better. there is a connection. a human connection. I don’t know much but I know a little and my observation and my suggestion is to get out and exercise. get out and converse. get out in nature. CONNECT. CONNECT. CONNECT. stop reading memes and stop getting caught up in the vicious banter about politics as it really goes nowhere. It brings nothing to your lives. brings nothing to the world. bring peace and happiness to your life. exercise. love. converse. nature. breathe.
my life is still a mess and I am still broke and getting older but I am getting wiser.
but I still prefer Bukowski over Kardashian.
notanotherphony. 