sitting down drinking a coffee and listening to The tallest man on earth. sad song. melancholic. beautiful. I slow down and reflect. I reflect and thus slow down. my busy mind and busy body are taking a break for a second. maybe even two. perhaps a whole day. but then my mind and body come flying back to life with guns cocked and ready to fight. ready to fuck. ready to release. constant battle between boredom and mania. very little time spent in between. sitting at the computer. tears flowing down my face. drinking coffee. drinking water. looking around at my messy room. messy desk. messy life. everything messy. nothing stable. never stable. never clear. my body moving faster than my mouth. the thoughts are quick but my clarity is slow. mental illness talked about but after forty years of seeing various psychiatrists, various psychologists, various doctors, I am back at ground zero. Not adhd. Not anxiety disorder. Not depression. Not Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Not NORMAL but what exactly is NORMAL? the latest diagnosis is BIPOLAR DISORDER. forty years of struggles. forty years of confusion. forty years of causing havoc for my Mom. my Wife. my daughter. my brother. my past girlfriends. my employers. my friends. my enemies. my family. family fights and drunken debauchery. sadness. mania. depression. anxiety. many successes but the successes never registering. the successes never able to penetrate the wall of shame. the wall of pain. the wall of broken dreams. broken bones. broken relationships. and broken trust. a life filled with extremes and knowing that my life was filled with extremes but never looking at my life through clear glasses. mental health wasting a good part of my life. mental health getting in the way of love. and respect. and money. and trust.
do people believe in mental illness?
do people think you are lazy?
do people think you are “fucked up?”
do people think you are selfish?
do people think you are mean?
do people think you are a pig?
do people think you are a drunk?
do people think you are disgusting?
do people laugh at you?
do people make fun of you?
do people chastise you?
do people look at you with “that look of disgust?”
smart.
active.
charismatic.
funny.
physically healthy.
emotionally unstable.
hope.
always hope.
always hope.
always hope.
why didn’t anyone recognize that I had Bipolar Disorder?
why didn’t anyone recognize that I have Bipolar Disorder?
why so many mistakes by highly paid doctors?
they could have saved me from years of struggle. years of pain. years of shame.
I am now 52 years old.
I hope I will get better.
tears still flowing down my face.
I let out a sigh and continue listening to beautiful music.
reminiscing.
notanotherphony. 