The quarantine continues. the heat continues. the frustrations continue. the never ending lies and deceipt continue. we no longer know what or who to believe. I try to focus on myself and my family but there are frustrations there as well. everyone is on edge. everyone is confused. it is weird. very weird. very scary. very unstable. with all this instability and all this confusion and chaos I decide to run. run far and run often. I run daily and cycle daily. I feel great. I feel alive. I feel healthy and then one day BOOM. my ankle is in pain. my knee is in pain. my back is in pain. I am in pain. mental pain. physical pain. financial pain. NO PAIN NO GAIN??? my mind racing once again. an episode of mania hovering. hovering and waiting. spinning my mind and shaking my soul. it is ever present. what to do? what to do? Tony Robbins books and then Zig Ziglar books and then Simon Sinek books and psychiatrists and psychotherapists and filling out forms for Big Brother and wanting to be a Motivational Speaker and wanting to be a coach and wanting to be a leader and wanting to inspire and wanting to GO GO GO and then BOOM. the crash. the crash in mind. the crash in body and I’m still wound up. Still wound tight. so I decide to go out for a hike in the back pit behind our house. I let Murphy off the leash as usual and then the noise of the dirt bikes hit me. the noise hits me hard. a frustration sets in. a peaceful time is now stressful. Knowing Murphy will chase the bikes and not knowing what the bikers will do. we are in trying times with frustrated people. IT IS HOT AND HUMID AND THE BUGS ARE OUT IN FULL FORCE AND I AM LIMPING. I continue. Murphy takes off and chases the bike. the bike speeds away but was slow in his speed. old bike. Murphy comes back to me. we continue to walk. Murphy looking around as he hears the loud noise again. so do I but I am looking at the ground and trying to do some sort of deep breathing exercise. THE NOISE IS LOUDER. THE NOISE IS EVERYWHERE. ALWAYS NOISE. NEVER PEACE. A LIFETIME OF NOISE AND A LIFETIME WITHOUT PEACE. The bike speeds by us again and Murphy chases after the bike again. I do not have the patience nor the will to call Murphy back. Let him chase the bike. I hate when they are back in the pit anyway. Murphy comes back and we continue. we walk through the forest filled with trees and squirrels. also filled with mosquitoes and ticks. we continue. My right ankle is in pain. we are almost out of the forest when we hear the bike again. Murphy takes off and then I hear the guy yelling, “FUCK OFF DOG. FUCK OFF. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. FUCK OFF!!!”
Naturally I come to my dog’s defense and yell back, “FUCK YOU BUDDY. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!”
Of course this guy now jumps off of his bike throws it to the ground and comes at me. I have to stand my ground as I cannot run away. I cannot turn away. I am fifty-three years old.
“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY FAGGOT!!!” he said.
“I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU PIECE OF SHIT.”
He said, “I’ll kill you you fucking faggot. You’re lucky I am here with my bike or I would kill you.” this crazy guy is now in my face.
“LICK MY BALLS YOU GOOF!!!”
“FUCK YOU. YOU BITCH!!!” HE SAID.
I said, “YOU’RE NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE ANYWAY. NO BIKES ALLOWED.”
He snapped more than he was already snapping. “THIS IS MY COUNTRY. YOU EUROPEAN FAGGOTS CAME OVER AND STOLE THIS LAND FROM ME. I’M A NATIVE.”
I was scared. he was still in my face and he was shaking. I should have walked away but I just couldn’t. I did tell him that I was on his side in his fight for justice with the Indigenous people but he really wasn’t listening. the words got louder. we got closer. I didn’t know if I should swing and try to take him down or wait for him to swing and try to protect myself. Murphy was quiet throughout.
“I’m on your side buddy. I’m on your side. Calm down. this isn’t worth it. calm down.”
“YOU CALM DOWN YOU BITCH. I GUESS YOU’RE GOING TO RUN TO THE COPS LIKE A LITTLE SNITCHY BITCH.”
“afraid to go back to jail?” I said.
he swung his helmet and it hit me in the arm. I still didn’t want to fight. it left a bruise and a cut but still not worth a fight. But I still could not back down. male bravado. male ego. male stupidity. male competition.
“Calm down guy. it’s not worth it. it’s not worth it. just calm down.”
“YOU’RE SO FUCKING LUCKY YOU FAGGOT. I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN YOU FUCK.”
the guy starts walking away and so do I. he mumbles some other shit and so I yell back, “who cares about your shitty bike anyway? it’s a hunk of shit!!!”
he turns around and starts bolting towards me again. I am ready again. heart racing. fear. adrenaline. spit flying from his mouth.
“you better not infect me with Covid you fucker!!!” I said.
“FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!” he yelled back at me while shaking extremely.
we remained toe to toe. breathing. shaking. not moving. Murphy standing in silence for once. and then he walked away. I took Murphy and walked the other way. Mosquitoes surrounding me. Mosquitoes biting me. Sun still beating down on me. legs sore. body sore. mind sore. still frustrated. still confused. still in mania.
we made it back to our house and I ate a Falafel. I read a book. I drank a coffee. my ankle still very very sore with ankle tendinitis. the day was only half over.
today is a new day.
today I feel better.
today I did not exercise.
today is a day that I slowed down.
today was introspection instead of outer energy. outer rage. outer frustration.
today is cooler.
today is windy.
today I am still alive.
today is a good day.
notanotherphony. 