TODAY IS A NEW DAY.

Monday morning and it is cool outside.  I am still feeling the effects of heavy drinking on Saturday night where I chased fun and chased demons the way that I used to chase fun and used to chase demons back in my twenties and thirties.  I’m in my fifties now and the morning guilts and shame do not go away.  trying to piece the night together now is similar to piecing the night together then.  why do I poison myself when I know that poison is bad?

I woke up yesterday alone and hungover.  drank two coffees and then jerked off.  put on a movie but couldn’t sit still.  scrolled facebook and Instagram and then jerked off again.  had some leftover steak and then tried to watch a movie again.  restless and tired.  confused and sad.  wanted to run but didn’t want to leave the house yet.  didn’t want to be seen yet.  “did I offend anyone the night before?”  I texted Tim and he texted back.  good sign and he said he had a fun night.  no mention of “being too drunk”  or no mention of “YOU WERE A MESS!!!”  I used to hate hearing those words when I was in my twenties and thirties.  I still hate them now.  when will I learn?

I tried watching another movie and made it through a half of it.  still restless.  still worried.  no sign of human beings.  it was dark in my house.  I finally had the courage to go for a run but didn’t want to drive anywhere in case I was still drunk from the night before.  “was I really that drunk?”  the night started off quite calmly listening to music with my buddy but it ended at a party filled with young people and great food.  MY SHUT OFF VALVE HAS STILL NOT MATURED.  I opened my garage door and began to run.  I was tired.  My mouth was pasty.  miraculously no headache but my body was sore and my brain was unsure.  I ran and I ran.  up hills and down.  my shoes falling apart.  my back aching.  my face sweating.  my mind racing.  my mind wondering.  my mind and body filled with guilt and shame.  shame and guilt.  are they not the same thing?  and why do I always default to guilt and shame?  “DOCTORS ARE YOU THERE????”

The run was good for my heart and great for my soul but I still did not feel great.  One night of heavy drinking can bring down months of great inner work.  it is amazing how life works.  back to the movies.  still restless.  hungry but not wanting to go the grocery store.  “what if I see someone from last night?”  hide.  stay inside.  stay in the guilt and stay in the shame.  not allowed to make mistakes.  not allowed to let go.  not allowed to fuck up.  not allowed to do or be or say or play.  HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP ME!!!!!!

I had a shower and put on my clothes.  I built up enough courage to leave my house and drive to get gas.  I then grabbed a coffee and then picked up a pizza and came back home.  Medium Brooklyn Pizza from Domino’s.  not many options up in Orangeville.  with so many beautiful places all over the world why am I living in Orangeville?  inner work.  inner healing.  communicate.  listen.  listen to listen NOT listen to respond.  grabbed my pizza and came home.  put on another movie.  sat down and ate my pizza.  turned off the movie.  did the laundry.  vacuumed the living room.  drank lots of water.  jerked off again.  third time.  one day.  fifty-three years old.  sex drive still alive.  how sad will it be when it is no longer alive.  no longer functioning.  life.  young and vibrant to old and depressing.  what happens to people?  DO NOT LET LIFE DRAG YOU DOWN!!!

after jerking off for my third time I was finally able to relax and sit.  a good friend of mine recommended a great movie and I sat and watched it.  I ate some chips and drank some wine.  I laughed.  I cried.  I cried some more.  and then cried some more.  but tears of inspiration.  tears of hope.  and then some tears of lost years and lost purpose.  such a powerful movie for me.  BLINDED BY THE LIGHT.

PURPOSE.

LIFE.

WRITE.

FEEL.

DO NOT GIVE UP.  EVER.

WRITE FROM MY HEART.

WRITE FROM MY SOUL.

BE UNIQUE.

DO NOT BE A PUPPET.

WHAT IS ART FOR?

MY LIFE IS A BLESSING BUT IS ONLY A BLESSING IF I SHARE.

I drank another glass of wine and then went to bed.  midnight.  I tossed and turned all night the way that I tossed and turned all night every Sunday back in my twenties and thirties.  never learn or rather sometimes learn.  live and learn but LIVE.

Monday morning has arrived and I feel better than yesterday.  the guilt and shame have subsided a bit.  achy belly.  a little sweaty.  still a little foggy.

BUT TODAY IS A NEW DAY.