lowered my dose of Zoloft recently and it didn’t work. I became manic again. hyper again. lost and unable to function again. back to my “normal” dose of 75mg a day. not too high but high enough (so far) for me. My never ending search to be functioning. to be free. to be alive and worthy.
Signed up for Sam Harriss’, Waking Up App, last night and began, once again, my journey of meditation. I am on Day two and feel hopeful. I always know “what to do” but I don’t always do what I know is best. Human beings are weird that way. We all know that eating healthier is good for us. we all know that exercise is good for us. we all know that eight hours of sleep is good for us. smoking kills. drinking too much is not good for us. sitting in front of bad television and consuming garbage content is not good for us. we know all of this and yet we, many times, refuse to do this. why? why can life be so simple and yet we make it so difficult? and then we pass on these bad habits to our kids and they pass them on to their kids and so on and so on. why?
I started the meditation and feel great. Two days of dealing with technology has rendered me frustrated and stuck. always frustrated. always stuck. too many passwords for two many things. why don’t I use the same password for all things? everything harder. everything more frustrating. too many buttons and not enough connection. not enough love. too much commerce and not enough love. too much fighting and not enough love. too much lies and not enough love. phoniness over authenticity. basement keyboard experts over science and clear thinking. people fighting tooth and nail to be right rather than wanting to learn and wanting to grow. why do so many adults stop learning and stop growing? how many kicks in the ass does it take to wake up and make changes? what is life about? what is the meaning of life? what does life mean for you? what do you want from life? do you love people or compete with people? do you mature? do you learn? are you “right” all the time and if you’re “not right” do you lash out at people until you have proven your point that you are right and they are wrong? do you really think you have proven your point? did you ever think that people stop engaging because to engage with someone who will not listen and only barks only brings frustration? the Trump loving conspiracy theorists can join hands and start their own platform. they can agree with each other. they can yell and scream. they can share memes and share Youtube clips from random doctors and random guys living in random towns. share away. share away. share away. does all of this help? do you engage in discussion? does anybody engage in discussion. a mountain of misinformation and a mountain of shit. do you really think or do you follow other rehashed opinions from rehashed men and rehashed women and then pretend that you are NOT a sheep. do people read novels anymore? is Facebook your novel? is Facebook your school and Youtube is your Post Secondary Education? what are you trying to accomplish? are you happy? what did you do today that made you happy? do you want to grow or do you want to fight because deep down you believe that you are right. and right about what? what is your goal? what makes you happy? are you interested in “we” or only interested in “me?”
do you breathe?
do you breathe?
do you breathe?
when was the last time you read a book?
The Heights Drive is crumbling.
society is crumbling. humanity is crumbling.
human connection is crumbling.
the pandemic will, eventually, be gone and then what? have you wasted your time? have we all wasted our time?
at the end of your life will you look back and think…”SHIT!!! I WISH I HAD MORE TIME.”
regrets can be painful. regrets will be painful. regrets are painful.
i do not want to be in pain.
why are the loudest usually the dumbest?
why are the loudest usually the most confident?
the tree is blowing in the wind.
my dog is at my feet.
the sky is grey.
i am peaceful today.
i am breathing today.
i will choose love or over hate today.
i will choose to not engage in needless and useless arguments on facebook today.
i am fifty-three years old.
i am quiet.
i will listen more and talk less.
growth.
growth mindset.
healthy mind, body, and spirit.
listen. really listen.
i am smart.
when I breathe and listen I am smart.
our world can be a great place.
our world can be an awful place.
make a choice.
choose the life you want.
notanotherphony. 