woke up with really bad diarrhea. i think I have sat on my toilet fourteen times already and it is only 10:19am. my stomach has been bothering me for the last week and it all came to a head this morning. I have a zoom audition later today so I am trying to figure out if it is just audition nerves or a bigger problem. I want to take Murphy for a walk but I am worried. I want to run but I am worried. diarrhea is bigger than people make it out to be. You are always on edge. you need to be ready. you need to be close to a toilet. You worry when heading outside. i take a breath and try to be mindful. I am really working on trying to be mindful. day three into my meditation course. before I sit down to meditate I feel anxious and restless but right after I feel great. confident. aware. life is very weird that way. my mind plays tricks on me. i am sure it plays tricks on other’s too. i am always both curious and fascinated by my audition nerves. one line. thirty lines. no lines. they all seem to create an anxiety and it frustrates me as well as excites me. mindset is key. mindset is always key. sensitive. alive. aware. too aware sometimes. too alive sometimes. too anxious sometimes. extremes. always extremes. i would love to be normal for a day. a week. a month? no. not a month. just a few days of normalcy before I get bored. always bored. always restless. stomach still rumbling. mind still…for now. racing thoughts and racing cars. conquer the mind. I must conquer my mind. healthy mind, body, and spirit but I want to do this by still functioning in this world. I don’t want to be hiding in a cave or under a rock.
Oh…by the way…Rogers can be soooooo frustrating. Rogers. Telus. Bell. The big three. all bad customer service. constantly being on hold. constantly being passed over to someone else only to be put on hold again. what seems like a simple plan of action, upgrade our cable, becomes a task of monumental effort. time wasted listening to atrocious music and bad robotic messages. how can these companies try their best to offer up the worst customer service possible still be soooooooo successful, financially? the big corporations offering the worst customer service always beating out the little guys with the best customer service. a parallel to our world. big bold useless leaders with big mouths and little hearts and little penises running the world while smaller but smarter men and women sit in the shadows working for these incompetent men. incompetent women. a sad reflection of life but a reflection that never goes away. TRUTH. open your eyes and feel with your hearts. also, open up your ears. be aware. watch. listen. observe. constantly observe rather than constantly talk. stop talking and start listening. start growing. start learning. learn. really learn. with your own eyes and your own ears. DO NOT REHASH BORING WORDS FROM BORING PEOPLE.
I wish this pandemic would go away. the lack of human contact is starting to bother me. the lack of normalcy is getting to me. the uncertainty is affecting me. the boredom. the routine. the lack of leadership. the lack of direction.
hope.
hope?
love.
empathy.
I feel really bad for the elderly and I feel really bad for the kids. such a difficult time for them. so weird. so odd. so sad.
kids are resilient. they will survive.
the elderly?
what a sad way to end your life. alone and isolated. masks on.
fear.
notanotherphony. 