i am tired. i am really tired.

the struggles continue. good days and bad. therapy now bringing me back to my youth, once again. lack of confidence. lack of self esteem. where did these issues begin? how was my childhood? did I have anxiety that was masked as hyperactive? did my playing of sports hide my insecurities? did I suffer in silence. did I suffer? how many masks did I wear? how many masks do I own? who is the real me? i am about to turn fifty-four and I am back to square one. back to ground zero. i still suffer with adhd but still no help. still the wrong meds. still too expensive for real help. i still run daily. i still meditate daily. life continues. i wish that I had a normal brain. i wish I have a normal brain. why does mine wander so much? why is mine so foggy? god are you out there? have you ever been out there? i seem fine on the outside. i seem smart. i seem talented. i seem passionate. i seem driven. i seem healthy. but I am seemingly lost. seemingly sad. seemingly confused. seemingly scared. seemingly abandoned. seemingly lacking love. unconditional love. but I don’t need it now I needed it then? did I get it? and if I have to ask the question then I should know the answer but my brain deceives me. my memories elude me. my seemingly happy childhood may have been filled with smiling masks and an empty heart. what to do now? how can I be healthy now? how do I gain confidence now? self esteem. confidence. stay still. be big. be bold. scream. move and shake. “oh no. you should be still. you are deflecting when you are moving so much.” i am lost. i am confused. hopeful? not so much anymore. time seems to be going quicker as my confidence seems to be draining. is this Covid? is this me? has my whole life been a lie? am I just a little weak and sad kid hidden by a burly beard and a loud bark? FUCK!!!!!!

my hands are wrinkled. my teeth are rotting. my hair is falling out. my body is still strong but when that goes do I fall deeper? how deep can one go? can you fix the issue? what is the issue? adhd? anxiety? self esteem? confidence? childhood trauma? lack of real and unconditional love? and if one does not get real and unconditional love as a child does he or she search their whole lives for approval? and is that game always a losing game? does that create extreme happiness with extreme sadness? i am tired. my vision is blurry. covid is draining me. lack of human contact is fucking with me. being a kid was so much easier even with so much pain. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. my birthday is fast approaching. will I drink alone on my couch again? FIRE. BALLS. PASSION. CONVICTION. fire. f i r e. balls. b a l l s. passion. p a s s i o n. conviction? i am tired and I want to go to bed. but I hate sleeping. what to do? what to do? i am always wondering what to do? i used to wonder who to do but not anymore. now it is what to do? what do I want to be when I grow up?? that will be the saying on my gravestone. why do I make life so difficult? so many solutions but the solutions seem impossible. my fucking brain fucking with me!!!!!

RUN.

HIKE.

DOG WALK.

FOGGY.

FOGGY.

FOGGY.

I AM TIRED.

I AM TIRED.

I AM TIRED.

TAKE OFF MY MASK.

WHO AM I?

it is 1:11pm.

i don’t want to meditate.

I WANT TO RUN FREE!!!

I WOULD PREFER TO BE A WILD ANIMAL.

I HATE TALKING.

I HATE THINKING.

I ONLY WANT TO FEEL.

i like to cry.

i love to cry.

i think i also love to laugh.

i sometimes love to scream and yell.

i hate feeling anxious.

me.

be me.

be I.

self.

authentic self.

manic and confused.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!