Broke my ribs on Thursday. Painful. painful to breathe. painful to sneeze. painful to cough. painful to sleep. fell down on ice while walking my dog. didn’t have enough time to put my hands down. I also have had a breakout of zits on my neck. I am bald too. broken nose. some people are born beautiful. others are born not so beautiful. they have to work for what they get. such is life. i would rather be a man than a model looking man. not that I am much of a man. i don’t know how to fix cars. i don’t know how to hang up appliances. i don’t know how to build a deck or a fence. I am a thinker. I am a talker. I am a man who loves to engage in conversation and loves helping others. but only when those “others” ask for help. My mind is still foggy. i am trying Zoloft and Adderall together now. my doctor has given up as she said that I just go in circles and she’s not wrong but this is part of mental illness. if I went in a straight line I wouldn’t be asking her for help. our society talks a big game but very little is actually done about mental health. i know that there are big initiatives just like there are big initiatives with race issues and poverty issues but do these big initiatives just line the pockets of friends and family? millions of money going here. millions of money going there. this and that and that and this. big words. big programs but I am on an ADHD Forum on Facebook and the amount of people struggling and trying to figure their shit out without the help of good doctors is astounding. it is quite sad. it makes me feel better about my situation but that’s not what the forum is for. it is supposed to bring us all together and provide resources for others struggling with the same illness the same condition. I am worried about the Adderall but I am on a low dose. I am aware that it is working at this precise moment as my head is pulsating. meds. no meds. marijuana. no marijuana. cbd oils. mushrooms. maybe I need new glasses. i am getting old. i see my hands are beginning to wrinkle. I need to start putting on Oil of Olay. does that work? can anybody help me? there are lots of creams and there are lots of meds and there are lots of doctors with lots of opinions but many just spin in circles. well, at least, I am not consumed by bad tv and bad movies. i also can’t stand fluffy music by fluffy boys. nor do I like fluffy music by fluffy girls. but the girls are better to look at. is that sexist? is everything sexist? is everything racist? is everything homophobic? i am old and I am white. is that now a curse. i still struggle. do you want me to prove it? i can prove that my life is more of a struggle than your’s. do you wanna bet?
i drove down a quiet road last night in a quiet car listening to my peaceful music quietly and it made me feel love. love is always better than hate. understanding is better than talking. empathy over chaos.
i am getting called down by my wife.
i am cutting this short.
i don’t want to ramble.
i will try and cut back on my coffee intake today as the stimulant medication is kicking in.
BREATHE.
BREATHE.
BREATHE.
I NEVER WANT TO DIE AND I REALLY REALLY REALLY MISS EVERYONE.
I HOPE WE CAN ALL HAVE ONE BIG LOUD GET TOGETHER WHEN THIS PANDEMIC ENDS.
damn zits.
i am 53 and still get zits!!!!!!!!!
notanotherphony. 