I am sitting down at my computer again. Much has passed since my last writing. my last sitting. Much has passed. much has happened. but very little change. still anxious. still fearful. still sitting in shame. still sitting in pain. still loathing. loathing and fear. fear and loathing. all stemming from pain. childhood pain. childhood trauma. years of hiding. years of wall building. years of escape. years of booze. years of drugs. years of sex. years of running. years of barking. years of hiding. always hiding. always drinking. sometimes playing but playing still masking pain. masking shame.
I sit down to write with nothing to write about but my mind is filled with events. filled with passions. filled with fights and struggles. filled with thoughts. filled with ideas. too many ideas. too many thoughts. not enough clarity. my adhd brain has also taken on anxiety and combined these disorders render me helpless. helpless or fearful. or both. sitting in fear. stuck in mud. unable to make a decision. unable to relax. unable to finish. unable to plan. unable to live fully. live happily. live maturely. what is living maturely? my eyes are deceiving me. they are becoming more blurry. i am getting older. we are all getting older. walking around in masks and avoiding human contact. this is hurting me. this is hurting many. when will this end? how will it end? can we love again? can we feel again? i want to feel. i want to connect. i want to love. i don’t care about your houses and cars. your botox or your boats. love. honesty. open communication. vulnerability. curiosity. art. real art NOT phony pop. phony pop is not art it is phony pop. i want to live a life filled with love and connection and play and purpose. what is my purpose? what is your purpose? what is life? what is war? what is it good for? lies and deception running rampant while human connection falling by the wayside. the wayside of lust and greed. my back is sore. my left arm is sore. years of running and drinking and popping pills and struggles are taking their toll. i am in a never ending quest to be my authentic self. a lifelong journey. i must avoid the distractions. the social rules. the social norms. the social elites. all sorts of social bullshit that favours the rich and leaves the poor scrambling, hoping, and begging for more. more food. more money. more sex. more opportunity. dangling the proverbial carrot. what does proverbial mean anyway?
I am writing again.
i am lost again.
i am bored again.
i am afraid again.
i am ashamed again.
i am loathing myself again.
lists.
goals.
life coach gurus.
cult heroes.
religious worshipping.
devil worshipping.
celebrity worshipping.
we worship the wrong people.
why worship anyone?
i will choose to work on myself today.
i will choose to sit in silence today.
i will choose to love today.
i will choose to love myself today.
i will choose to “be” today.
life.
love.
happiness.
HUMAN CONNECTION.
HUMAN CONNECTION.
HUMAN CONNECTION.
notanotherphony. 