It’s Saturday afternoon and my dog is laying behind me on our basement couch. i have a sore tooth. i always have a sore tooth. i go into the dentist twice a year to tell my dentist about this sore tooth and he semi fixes it and fully charges me but it still hurts. so many people making so much money and not even great at their jobs. a complacency has set in and we allow the complacency and even applaud the complacency. applaud the average. applaud the dull. dull opinions on dull topics while life continues to move at rapid speeds and many people continuing to drop by the wayside. forgotten and alone. alone in their thoughts. alone in their emotions. does anybody really understand another person’s life? good people try to understand. try to empathize. but do they really know what the other person is feeling. feelings always more important to me than thought but that doesn’t mean other’s can’t put thought before feelings. I really have no idea what is right and what is wrong anymore. i only try to be a better human being than I was the day before. i try to learn. i try to grow. i try to listen. i try to heal. i try to love. i try my hardest to live my life with good intentions. i try to treat others as I would want to be treated. my mind is constantly busy. constantly scattered. adhd? anxiety? childhhod trauma? manic? a need to succeed and an urgency to win? stress? i run. i write. i take my dog for long walks in nature. i try to slow down but while I slow down life speeds up. the days are becoming quicker. the weeks are passing by quicker. the months are passing by quicker. the years are passing by quicker. while I try to slow down life speeds up and the end becomes closer. minor pains become major fears. fears of disease. fears of death. fears of life coming to a tragic and lonely death. watching your family as you shrink further and further into your shell. into your grave. knowing that life moves on and their will still be sunny days and rainy days. couples making love and families torn apart by divorce. life is so beautiful when it is lived and it is so tragic when it is not. waiting for happiness in retirement while living in misery in your formative years. working for dull people with shady lives and washed up wives. five years becomes ten. ten becomes twenty. twenty quickly becomes forty and forty becomes eighty. high school was a very long time ago. my body tells me that I am old. my mind tells me that I am in high school. still shy. still scared. still manic. still horny. still troubled. still impulsive. everything is “still” but me. busy mind. restless body. yoga. meditation. pills. doctors. psychiatrists. homeopaths. teachers. mentors. friends. gurus. advice comes from everybody and everyone. I am so fucked up that I even offer advice. ADVICE FROM AN UNSETTLED CHILD. but we take advice. we offer advice. some people build up walls while others, like myself, have no boundaries. have no plan. sit in the moment and sit in the mud. my dog now wants my attention. i want to run. i want to write…oh yeah…i am writing. i hear a beeping noise outside and now my dog is restless. he is staring at me while making weird noises. i want to be in mexico. or amsterdam. or new york. i want to travel and have meaningful conversations about life. with love. with wine. i want to be on a sailboat on an ocean. i want to ski on big mountains. i want to sit around a campfire with great friends and great strangers. i want to connect with other human beings. i want to love. i want to play. i want to be free.
i want to be free.
i want to break free.
i want to feel.
i want to feel other people’s feelings.
i want to help other’s but I also want to help myself.
the world can be so beautiful.
why do human beings ruin it?
what type of human being wants to ruin the world for everyone?
what is life?
what is life?
what is life?
love?
another week has almost passed.
my dog is restless.
i am restless.
old and restless.
old body. restless mind.
what a bad combo.
i wish we could really know what other’s go through.
mom.
notanotherphony. 