time to write and, as always, when it is time to write my creative juices disappear. lost amidst a busy brain and a lack of confidence. confidence waning as the days pass and my life gets shorter. old age fast approaching and while most people I know are looking at retirement I am searching for a job and searching for a career.
it is another dreary day outside and my dog is at my feet. I have exercised. drank coffee. jerked off. done some laundry. ate lunch and done the dishes. a once exciting life crumbling to it’s knees in a state of boredom and a state of financial stress. constant calls from collection agents have not stopped since I left school over twenty-five years ago. I have not killed myself and that is a victory in and of itself. my life has had many setbacks and many crashes BUT I remain hopeful and I am still able to “get it up” and that is a source of confidence. the day will, eventually, come where I no longer can get hard and no longer be able to fuck and that will be a rough day. my manhood taken away from me. shrivelled up body parts and a shrivelled up mind. sore bones. sore muscles. sore teeth. sore head. sore. lost. sad. lonely. afraid. bored. restless. awake. sleeping. blurry eyes and a blurry mind. I am looking forward to old age. really looking forward to it.
each day passes. human connections made. empty calendars. empty pockets. empty fridge and empty promises. empty governments and empty hearts. pretty soon our world will be filled with empty people doing empty jobs and telling empty stories. rich dull maggots with big lips, big breasts, big teeth and big cars talking amongst each other while looking down on the rest of the human beings that occupy their territory. such a sad game of watching fake women sipping cocktails and talking utter nonsense. shallow and afraid. desperate and weak. wanting a women’s movement while spreading their legs for old perverted rich men with saggy skin but big cars. big wallets and small minds. dull. boring. fake. did I say DULL??? fake tanned women clinging on beside them. wanting to be important but only important for the night. sick sick sick. fake fake fake. dull dull dull. and we follow them? we adore them. we admire them. we are sick and sad. depraved and lost.
the world was once a beautiful place filled with beautiful people and beautiful dreams. now we are hanging on by a fake thread and a fake leader.
i once said, “LOVE EVERYONE”.
now I say, “FUCK EVERYONE.”
the ying and the yang.
where is the healthy balance?
CAMH are you there? I am still waiting. 6 months and counting. i have not killed myself though. But I do not watch bad tv. nor do I listen to bad leaders.
I AM ME.
but I am still getting old and still lost.
namaste?
notanotherphony. 