Monday morning and looking for work. looking for money. getting old and looking for work is not the way that I planned it when I was younger and hopeful and talented and connected and free. life has taken many turns but I never imagined this one. some have it harder but I can only think of myself at this time. comparisons have never helped nor do they help now. so many jobs and so few opportunities. hanging on by a thread and nowhere to turn. nowhere to hide. daily lists after daily lists and then the week goes by and I am still broke and still searching. still stressed and still lost. job hunting has become less personal and more robotic. nobody wants to meet in person anymore. it makes sense as the jobs that are listed are low paying “nothing” jobs that any semi average person can do. the hunt continues. the lists continue. the daily walks continue. the daily runs continue. the daily meditations continue. the daily medications continue. but the flow of money does not continue.
stay on my clock.
stay on my schedule.
do not allow others to dictate the schedules. dictate my life.
what am I good at?
what sets me on fire?
what gets my creative juices flowing?
what excites me?
what bores me?
human connection is vital but I find myself connecting less and less.
lack of financial stability getting in the way of leading an exciting and fulfilling life.
jobs?
careers?
want to go all in on acting but going all in on acting seems foolish. seems fruitless. seems hopeless.
sitting in limbo is foolish too.
help?
is there any help out there?
silence ensues.
silence ensues.
silence ensues.
I was once a kid sitting on my Dad’s lap laughing and smiling.
now I look at pictures of myself sitting on my Dad’s lap laughing and smiling.
i am crying.
life gone.
years gone.
love gone.
hope gone.
do not let the powers that be ruin your lives. ruin my life.
FIGHT BACK.
do the work.
listen and hear.
so many rules and so little creativity.
we have become machines.
we have become robots.
we have become slaves to the system.
i can’t even get in the system.
gratitude.
gratitude.
gratitude?
LOVE.
CONNECT.
HUMAN BEING.
notanotherphony. 