change or not change?

woke up early and had a fantastic shit. it felt so good. the Senokot to the rescue once again. my belly shrunk by three inches and my weight shrunk by three pounds. it is a gloomy and miserable day outside and I have had my first coffee. i have also had some yogurt which is a first for me this year. zero consistency in my life and zero productivity. bank account low and almost not there. hope is waning although I continue to try and put on a brave face. the system bothers me and the workforce pains me. so many useless jobs making huge amounts of money and so many extremely useful jobs making so little. how did this happen? great music hard to find along with great movies and great books. shitty music and shitty movies and shitty books very accessible and very popular. shitty fast food restaurants continue to serve millions while small family run restaurants with great food and great service struggle to stay afloat.

i can’t even get a job.

am i too old?

am i too honest?

am i too authentic?

am I too passionate and too talkative?

job hirings being done through websites and little human interaction. little human connection. a fast life that keeps moving but no one knows where it is moving to and nobody cares where it is moving to. fast cars. fast videos. fake faces. fake smiles. fake batons and fake purses. fake jewellery and fake media.

i am cold but soon I will be sweating. i am quickly becoming old and that scares me and saddens me. life has been such a struggle at times but my life has also been filled with so many great experiences with great family and great friends. many fucks. many drunken nights. many blurry nights and wasted days. a free life on one hand and a tormented life on the other. the tormented side the most fun. bored. boring. dull. slow. lost. found? loss. death. near death. near loss. lost friends. lost girlfriends. lost Dad. lost jobs. lost innocence. lost hair. lost passions. lost purpose. lost fun. lost excitement. lost mind. lost money. lost childhood. lost love. lost. lost. lost. hope?

HOPE?

stomach grumbling. feeling nervous but I have nothing to feel nervous about. Murphy at my feet protecting me. he is always protecting me. he is always loving me. he is always there for me. dog. a man’s best friend. I will be so sad when he dies. death is sad. i don’t want it to be sad but it is. silence. lessen the noise. lessen the rules. lessen the noose. life continues to move at an alarmingly fast pace. so many skillsets and no job and no money. antsy and restless but don’t trust that any of my ideas and any of my art and any of my purpose will be rewarded with any money. looking for a factory job while Doug Ford runs our province. looking for a factory job while Justin Trudeau runs our country. life is insane. insanity is normality.

i should trim my beard and look presentable. i also should buy new running shoes. i can run for hours and hours and hours and then drink for hours and hours and hours. extremes. energy to burn but nothing to burn it on. messy room. messy mind. messy life. life is messy. but life is beautiful.

thirty became fifty very quickly. fifty will become seventy very quickly. seventy will become ninety very quickly. who am I trying to please and why? the morality police are on high alert but they’re not offering up anything unique nor anything exciting to replace the cancelled ones. “LIFE IS SO NICE AS LONG AS WE ALL GET ALONG AND ALL SING THE PRAISES OF EACH OTHER AND ALL DO AVERAGE WORK WITH AVERAGE PEOPLE AND AVERAGE OPINIONS.” i can now go to bed. smiling and nervous. “I HOPE I DIDN’T OFFEND ANYONE TODAY.”

robots and robots and robots and robots and robots and robots and robots and robots and robots.

so many hours in a day.

so much sadness in this world.

so much money and so many resources.