seven days in LA and I am HOT. i am sweaty. i am edgy. shaky. nervous. shaky hands. foggy mind. lost and restless. restless and lost. too much sun. too much wine. too much driving. too much pondering. miss being home. miss Taylor. miss Sarah. miss Murphy. miss some sense of routine. miss some peace. miss some quiet. miss my running. miss working. miss my bed. miss my morning coffee. miss saying GOODNIGHT to Taylor. miss saying GOODNIGHT to Sarah. miss Murphy sleeping up against me. my skin is tingling. my confidence is waning. constantly trying to figure out life. constantly trying to figure out a better way. a better way to live. a better way to make money. a better way to parent. a better way to act. a better way to LOVE. i am tired. i am lonely. i am homesick. whenever I visit the US I feel less worthy. less confident. less successful. i see confident people leading confident lives while I still live paycheque to paycheque. when will the struggle end?
need to get back to the drawing board. always need to get back to the drawing board. need my routine. need my family. need my daily runs. daily hikes. daily meditation. daily goals. daily reading. daily writing. daily practice. daily INSPIRATION.
INSPIRE.
WHAT SETS ME ON FIRE?
100KM RUN?
MARATHON?
PUSH MYSELF.
the sun drains me. too hot. too sweaty.
am i on the right meds?
can anyone help?
LIFE COACH?
HELP.
HELP ME FOCUS.
HELP ME COMMIT.
HELP ME FINISH.
HELP ME FOLLOW THROUGH.
HELP ME BE GROUNDED.
HELP ME.
HELP ME.
HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!
55 becomes 60.
60 becomes 70.
70 becomes 80.
80 becomes 90.
time moves too quickly.
loved ones lost.
lost loved ones and lost hugs.
lost hopes and lost dreams.
lost balls and lost minds.
lord are you there?
do I ask you for help even though I don’t believe you are real?
what are my convictions?
what do I stand for?
what would I fight for?
i love seeing love.
i love seeing happy people.
i love seeing people in love.
i want to be a positive influence on our family.
i no longer want us all to struggle.
i am sick of the struggle.
i am sick of the uncertainty.
i am sick of the lack of positive influence on Taylor.
I WANT TO BE A REAL DAD.
I WANT TO HAVE MY DAUGHTER RESPECT ME.
I WANT RESPECT BUT I MUST, FIRST, RESPECT MYSELF.
DO IT.
DON’T WAIT.
LIFE COACH, “DON’T WRITE ANOTHER THING UNTIL YOU HAVE PUBLISHED ALL OF YOUR CURRENT WORK.”
listen to him.
heed his advice.
has our world become phonier?
are all these fake people in fake cars successful?
CONSISTENCY.
LET GO OF FEAR.
JUST DO IT.
TRUST MYSELF.
TRUST ME.
i am worthy?
why have I lacked confidence all my life?
how can I fix this?
ACTION.
ACTION.
ACTION.
NOTANOTHERPHONY.
PURPOSE.
notanotherphony. 