where did i go wrong?

Nicole’s birthday tomorrow. 41 yrs old. what happened to 21? time flies. life beats people down. life also inspires some to do great things or average things or sick things or dull things. we can choose (somewhat) our path and choices we make at an early age can fuck us for life or help us in life. i sit in my tiny backyard with Indian speaking neighbours speaking to the right of me. nice people. loud talkers. deep voices. sweating. me. not them. do East Indians sweat? peaceful day at the pool yesterday. sunscreen and swimming and laying down daydreaming. family time. now ready for a run. ready for a dog walk. ready for food. ready for work. murphy looks at me in despair or need. not sure which one. i open the door for him to go inside but I know that he will be back outside in 5 seconds. following my every move. my back is sore. i took a great shit. a great and easy mushy shit. my favourite. no struggle. no groans. no grunts. it is now 8:21am and the birds are fighting, fucking, and/or chirping. i hear my neighbour’s big truck start up and I am lost in thought. lost in life. choices? decisions? plans? goals?

i do not want to be an embarrassment to my daughter but I can’t help but feel that. no house. no fancy car. no trips. no job. no money.