tough run yesterday. still fighting a cold and still stuffed up. i felt dizzy and almost felt like i was going to collapse. after a few kilometres i settled in and it was much easier. many friendly faces. many friendly dogs. pretty girls and big families enjoying the sun. still coughing. still snorting snot out of my nose. finished my run and came home. i would have gone straight to the liquor store but i left my wallet at home and, therefore, had to go home to get it. i didn’t want murphy to see me so i asked sarah to bring my wallet out to me.
“can you bring my wallet out to the car as i don’t want murphy to see me/”
“why do you need your wallet?”
“i want to get a few beers and a few other things.”
SILENCE.
JUDGEMENT.
“okay text me when you are here.”
i text her and she comes out with the wallet. i feel the judgement but i am trying to let go of judgements and to not worry about what other’s think. everyone trying to be “perfect” in society’s eyes and in trying to do so DO NOT ENJOY THEIR LIVES.
struggling financially.
struggling spiritually.
struggling emotionally.
i’ve tried much too long and much too hard to be “perfect” in “their eyes” and it has gotten me nowhere. living in a shitty town. in a shitty house. no money. no enjoyment….except booze…and no future.
i get my beers and a big bottle of wine and come home and eat. taylor goes out with friends (she didn’t say BYE) and sarah cleans the house. i sit outside drinking wine and learning lines. always learning lines. always drinking. the less pills i take the better my memory is and the more accessible my emotions are. continue to scale down. “I DON’T NEED MEDS!!!”
two hours later i am inside and falling in and out of sleep on the couch. drinking too much. too many meds. still sick. why can’t i relax? i need to relax and sit still but i can’t. my idea of relaxing is running 10k or riding 40k. i do not need others to judge me as i judge myself harshly enough as it is.
i wake up in the morning and have the last of the coffee beans.
i want to run.
i want to go to the gym.
i want to meet a buddy for a coffee.
i want money but i don’t want to work today.
i don’t want to dig holes and carry heavy bricks.
I NEED MONEY.
I NEED MONEY.
I NEED MONEY.
should i text my boss to see if there is work?
i will wait until i finish my audition.
I HATE AUDITIONS.
notanotherphony. 