old?

fifty seven years old and still searching for a job.

still searching for money.

still searching for the right meds.

still searching for the right doctors.

still searching for joy.

still searching for clarity.

still searching for a purpose.

yesterday my adhd meds were too strong. making me too edgy. too dizzy. too fuzzy. too foggy.

today i decided to not take the meds and i feel much more clear. much more calm. much more hopeful.

it seems like my days go by quickly and i am never clear on a path. i jump from one idea to the next and then when that idea is almost complete i jump to a brand new one. i am never settled. always anxious. always searching.

what do i even want?

what do i even like?

have i lost my mind?

have i lost my way?

i am tired but i shouldn’t be tired.

bored perhaps?

boredom can look like tiredness. i feel like taking a nap. SHIT. i have a whole day to sort out my life and i am falling asleep.

MAYBE I AM JUST PLAIN OLD.

my knee is still swollen. still sore.

i lack energy at the moment.

i lack joy.

i lack fun.

i lack excitement.

i lack passion.

i lack purpose.

i need to shake this feeling.

i want to shake this feeling.

i fall asleep after each sentence.

SICK?

SICK?

SICK?

i always feel sick but maybe i’m just old.