Category: Uncategorized

my hope is still there.

hope that my body is, finally, back to normal and i can exercise again and walk pain free.

a long nine months of pain and uncertainty.

hopelessness and depression.

how pain can cripple you so much.

a silent pain and one that nobody sees.

the days of waking up at 3am are coming to an end, thankfully.

i put myself in positions to fail and then wonder why i am failing in life.

the years are winding down and the choices i made when i was younger are coming back to haunt me.

i was too lost and too impulsive to make mature decisions back then.

i feel more lost now but less impulsive.

almost no impulse to make a decision.

STUCK IN QUICKSAND..

WHY IS QUICKSAND CALLED QUICKSAND WHEN IT SLOWS YOU DOWN AND STOPS YOU FROM MOVING?

such vivid dreams and completely forgotten in the morning.

HELP!!!

I NEED HELP!!!!

are you there johnny?

are you there sally?

anyone?

is there anybody out there?

i walk the trails and breathe in the air.

smell the trees.

smell the pine.

i have always loved the smell of pine needles.

i miss my youth.

i miss my friends.

i miss grade school.

i miss recess.

i miss playing hockey cards.

i miss playing hockey.

i miss playing soccer.

i miss playing baseball.

i miss playing tennis.

i miss playing road hockey.

i miss first time fucks and first time loves.

i miss parties.

i miss my daughter.

and i miss my dad.

MISSING YOUTH.

MISSING…imagine being missing and never to be found.

lost.

body a little better this morning.

still sore but an improvement from yesterday.

getting more clear.

getting more focused.

slowly getting rid of all my meds.

ONE DAY AT A TIME.

addictions.

listening to the wrong people.

is everything a sales job?

is everything a con job?

daily improvements but just live life.

GET A JOB THAT PAYS ME ENOUGH TO ENJOY LIFE.

MAKE THAT MY GOAL.

GET A GOOD PAYING JOB THAT I LIKE.

DO IT NOW.

PUSH EVERYDAY TO GET A GOOD JOB.

RESEARCH.

REACH OUT TO PEOPLE I KNOW.

APPLY.

I NEED A JOB THAT PAYS ME ENOUGH TO ENJOY LIFE.

IF I DID THAT, MY MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES WOULD SUBSIDE.

POUND THE PAVEMENT.

POUND IT NOW.

my whole body is in debilitating pain.

you can throw my mind in that category too.

it was a slow progression but when it hit, it hit hard.

not sure of the source of such body pain but i have an idea.

improper footwear that lead to plantar fasciitis and then i overcompensated that injury by putting in one solid insole in my left shoe. i couldn’t find the other insole or i would have put that one in my right shoe.

that fixed the plantar fasciitis but then i began to get knee problems. my right knee was very stiff and very painful and, by the end of the summer, very sore.

my morning routine was fucked.

no running.

no gym.

painful legs.

i would wake up in daily pain.

my first five minutes were the most painful and i was the most stiff. i continued to work as i had no money. i still have no money and i continue to work.

am i alone?

i, then, started a job at the town doing snow removal. the job was easy but lots of sitting around in trucks or driving in shaky sidewalk machines. steel toed boots required. in and out. in and out. in and out of trucks all day.

cheap heavy footwear.

my knee got worse and worse and worse until i could no longer walk.

SEVERE PAIN.

couldn’t sleep at night.

various meds.

various creams.

various stretches.

various advice.

poor solutions from walk in clinics.

my family doctor away on some sort of leave.

more poor solutions from my walk in clinic.

great advice from friends.

“YOU NEED AN MRI.”

i contacted the clinic where my doctor practices and i was able to get an appt with one of the other doctors. she, definitely, knew there was something wrong.

we booked an mri and the results weren’t good.

complex tears and degenerative type things and more tears.

surgery required.

surgery went well.

in and out.

little pain.

swollen knee.

jan 15th.

only one week off of my knee and off of work (need money) and my knee seemed to be healing.

i began exercising again.

i began to work again.

i began physio.

things were, seemingly, positive.

now it’s almost april and my knee is swollen again.

my knee is, somewhat, painful again.

my shoulders and arms are in severe pain.

my legs are in pain.

my lower back is in pain.

i had a DEEP TISSUE MASSAGE yesterday and, hopefully, that is the first step to getting my health back. getting my life back.

i woke up in pain, again, today.

I WILL TAKE IT EASY AND HAVE SOME SORT OF FAITH THAT IT WILL ALL WORK OUT.

I WANT TO RUN.

pain free.

woke up in pain again today.

MASSIVE PAIN.

TIME TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

this can’t be normal.

i can’t stay in this pain forever.

if i thought that life was a struggle before then, ‘HOLY SHIT”, what am i in for?

support?

help?

NONE.

do it on my own.

FIGHT TO THE BITTER END.

FIGHT.

FIGHT.

FIGHT.

FUCK EVERYONE.

we are all different.

we are all unique.

i am, already, stressed about wasting another day at home doing nothing but thinking and jerking.

another dog walk.

more cleaning.

more laundry.

more scrolling.

STOP THE INSANITY.

fix my body one muscle at a time.

one joint at a time.

one ligament at a time.

NO MORE “GROWTH” BOOKS.

I AM CRAZY.

I AM LOVING.

I AM PASSIONATE.

I AM UNPREDICTABLE.

I AM ALIVE.

life can end very quickly or it can be a long slow death.

money is needed.

without money you are in a constant state of panic and worry.

FUCK TRUDEAU.

FUCK POILLIEVRE.

FUCK TRUMP.

FUCK BIDEN.

FUCK NETANYAHU.

FUCK PUTIN.

FUCK FORD.

AND FUCK TRUMP ONCE AGAIN JUST IN CASE HE WASN’T HURT ENOUGH THE FIRST TIME. FAT PIG.

peace and love.

peace out.

over and out.