Jack Tait found an old television on the side of the road one day while riding his tricycle to the beer store. it was in good condition so Jack put it on his back and rode fourteen miles back to his rundown farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. he put it on the floor and cracked a beer open. he also took a swig of Jack Daniels. he plugged in the tv and sat back in his beaten down purple reclining chair. Jack was tired. he sat and he sat. he drank and he drank. he was bored. he was depressed. he was sad. television was his prozac. he watched violent shows. reality shows. soap opera’s. even the odd soft porno came on. Jack didn’t need people. he hammered himself daily. sometimes twice. the odd time when he was really horny and bored…three times. his record for one day self flaggelations was sitting at seven. Jack didn’t think he would ever break that record.
after fifteen hours of sitting in front of his new television Jack Tait had had enough. he wanted to unleash all of his frustration and rage against the world who shunned him. he finished off his two four of beers. he then finished off his forty of Jack Daniels. he also had a glass of water. he took a big shit and walked out of his rundown farmhouse. it was raining and windy outside but Jack didn’t care. he was on a mission. he jumped on his tricycle and started pedalling down the dirt driveway. he stopped at the end of the driveway and picked up his Louisville Slugger bat. he then exited onto the barren road. he rode his bike to Unionville first. it was a twelve hour bike ride but Jack didn’t care. he was on a mission. he arrived at 151 Carlton Rd. he jumped off of his bike and rang the doorbell. an old wrinkled man in his nineties answered the door. “are you Mike Lambert?” Jack asked the man. “yes. why?” the man answered back. Jack smiled and began smashing the ninety year old man in the knees with his bat. Mike Lambert was screaming. “HEEEEEEEEELP!!! HEEEEEEEEELP!!! HEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!” no one helped so Jack continued. Mike Lambert’s knees collapsed. shattered. he fell to the ground. Jack Tait spit in his face and said, “that was for raping my Mom. i hope you die. you maggot. you worm. you pig. you are a disgusting human being!!!” Jack Tait jumped on his tricycle and rode away. mission accomplished. Mike Lambert continued to scream. he probably wished he were dead. he probably wished he didn’t rape Jack’s Mom. and he probably wished he had a pitbull. but he didn’t. life.
Jack Tait rode nakedly away from Mike Lambert’s house with a smile. revenge can be peaceful.
Category: Uncategorized
i never want to die Jane.
Jack and Jane walk down the deserted driveway in the middle of nowhere. it is raining and windy. they are holding hands and they both have big smiles on their faces. they haven’t seen each other for over fifty years but a good fuck solves everything. they walk to the local coffee shop and sit down and drink coffee. the coffee shop is empty. it is old. life getting closer and closer to the end. Jack never wants to die. Jane tried to kill herself twelve times but now wants life to go on forever. love conquers all. no matter what age. some people connect with rabbits. some people connect with dogs. some people connect with cats. some people connect with dolls. some people even connect with humans. human connection and human touch is needed by all…even Jack Tait. Jack wishes he had re-connected with Jane many years earlier but Jack is filled with regrets and therefore is used to the feeling. they drink their coffees and stare into each other’s eyes. Jack has a pimple on his cheek. “WHY THE FUCK DO I STILL GET ZITS??? I AM SIXTY FUCKING YEARS OLD!!! FUCK ME!!!” Jane laughs. Jack starts laughing as well. they pay for their coffees and run out of the coffee shop happy and free.
Jack and Jane walk hand in hand with big smiles on their faces. they walk to the Liquor Store. “why do you drink so much Jack?” Jane asks Jack. “I love the feeling that it gives me Jane. I’m not a bullshitter. the taste is good but the light drunken feeling I get from Jack Daniels is almost as good as sex.” “No way…I don’t believe you Jack.” “true story Jane. in fact, we could have an experiment right now. i will chug a forty of Jack Daniels and sit by myself for four hours and you can put a mood ring on me and see what colour it turns. then four hours after that I can fuck you and then put that same mood ring on and see what the result is. do you wanna bet???” “Jack, don’t be silly.” “i’m not being silly Jane. i love you very much but a bottle of Jack beats any women any second of the day.” “YOU ARE FUCKED UP JACK!!!” “no i’m not Jane. i’m just real.” Jack took the test and he was right. Jack Daniels beat pussy. Jack grinned and turned on the stereo. Neil Young was playing. Jack walked over to Jane and gave her a huge hug. he wouldn’t let go. “i love you Jane.” “i love you too Jack.” the music continued.
They sat and talked about life and music and past friends and past lovers and laughed and cried and tickled each other and kissed and smiled at each other. they both looked at each other and smiled and cried at the same time. then Jack asked THE QUESTION. the question that has plagued him his whole life. plagued him in his life not hers. “Jane…did you ever get over the horrific car crash and the death of your husband and two daughters? did you ever recover???” Jane sat silent and motionless. so did Jack waiting for her response. this stillness lasted ten minutes. Jack had never sat still for ten minutes in his whole life but this time he did. he waited and waited. so did Jane. Kris Kristofferson now playing on the radio. tears flowing down Jane’s face. Jack began to cry as well. “are you okay Jane?” silence. tears. pause. then…”i miss them Jack. i miss them so much. they were my everything. earlier that day i had fought with my two daughters about school and that they should be getting A’s instead of B’s…A’s INSTEAD OF B’S JACK. HOW SILLY. it was the last time i ever spoke to them. i never forgave myself for that. never. what i would give to take those words back. to see them one more time. life is so precious Jack. life is so precious. why did it have to happen to me? to my family? we never harmed anyone. we were a good family.” Jack walks over to Jane and puts his arms around her. she cries and cries. “it’s okay Jane. it’s okay. life is cruel. life is sad. i’m so sorry for your loss Jane.” “thanks Jack.” Jane manages a little smile. so does Jack. they hold each other tightly as Bonnie Prince Billy’s WOLF AMONG WOLVES plays in the background. “i never want to die Jane. I never want to die.”
Jack and Jane sitting in a tree.
Jack Tait sits in his rundown farmhouse in the middle of nowhere and waits for the girl he first kissed more than fifty years ago. she is coming over for a date. her name was and still is Jane and Jack had tracked her down through an old lady friend with whom he fucked the previous Saturday. The girl who Jack fucked the previous Saturday grew up in the same small town that Jane grew up in. They were second cousins. Jack doesn’t remember why he was in that small town over fifty years ago but he sure remembers Jane. he never forgot her. so Jack got her phone number after he fucked her cousin and called her immediately. Jane answered the phone quietly and Jack asked her out. Jane paused for some time but eventually said “yes” and now Jack sits, drinks, and waits.
The doorbell rings and Jack gets up. he is nervous for a man who is never nervous. Jack opens the door and smiles. Jane smiles back. time definitely has not been good to Jane. she is old and weathered. so is Jack. Jack says, “hi”. Jane says, “hi” back. they give each other a big hug and go inside. Jane is wearing a turtleneck sweater with blue corduroy pants. Jack is naked.
Jane and Jack walk inside and sit down, together, on Jack’s reclining chair. within minutes they begin to kiss. they begin to touch. they begin to fuck. ten minutes later Jack blows his load and sits back. they are both sweating. Jack smiles at Jane and Jane smiles back. Jack offers Jane a beer or shot of Jack Daniels but Jane says, “no. I don’t drink anymore.” Jack smiles awkwardly and chugs back his forty of “Jack.” they are both very giddy.
Jack asks Jane everything about her life. they are both sixty years old. “are you married? do you have kids? do you still work? where do you live? do you go to church? are you happy? are you sad?” Jane asks Jack the same questions. Jane tells Jack that she was once married to a beautiful and funny man named Ben. he was the love of her life. they had two beautiful daughters together. they lived in a small town in northern Ontario called Hornpayne. She also tells Jack that she worked as a school teacher and loved all kids. life appeared set for Jane. then everything changed on a cold and wintery night in February. Jane was thirty-five. her daughters were seven and nine. it was a Friday night and Jane was at home waiting for her husband and daughters to arrive home after a dance retital in a neighbouring town. while Jane waited inside there was a horrific car crash outside. a tractor trailer ran a red light and basically sliced a car in half. inside were Jane’s husband and two young daughters. all three died instantly. Jane waited and waited and waited but her family never came home. two policeman arrived at her house two hours later and told Jane the catastrophic news. Jane went berserk. she kicked and screamed and cried and clawed. her whole life crashing down in one split second. life is precious. Jane never recovered. she never left her home. never left her town. never changed her kids rooms. never got rid of her husbands belongings. Jane basically died at the same time. her whole life still ahead of her. twenty five years later and she is still lonely and sad. do people ever recover from such a horrific event??? Jane didn’t. Neither did Jack.
they now sit together holding each other tightly and lovingly or desperately depending on how you look at it.
Jack is happy. so is Jane. they fuck once more and then go to bed. both naked. they both have another twenty years left to live providing they do not get an illness or have an accident. Jack looks into Jane’s eyes and whispers, “Jack and Jane sitting in a tree. k-i-s-s-i-n-g. first comes love. then comes marriage. then comes Janey pushing a baby carriage.” Jane smiles. Jack turns the lights off and they go to sleep holding each other’s hand.
St. Paddy’s Day equals fourteen girls from Tanzania.
Jact Tait drinks his fourteenth pint of Black Guinness…not green shit…and heads for the exit. he punches one dink in the face. he kisses a beautiful 300 pound waitress. he pukes on the juke box. he screams, “adios amigos,” and exits the premises. another twelve hours wasted in an otherwise wasted life. Jack Tait is now sixty and rides his blue tricycle back to his run down farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. he sings, “if i had a million dollars,” the whole way home. Jack Tait loves the Barenaked Ladies. he wonders why they do not play music together anymore. he once listened to the Barenaked Ladies while fucking an overweight pilgrim up the bum for fourteen hours straight. this was back in the 80’s when Jack was thirty. Jack fucked many girls back then. he even fucked many girls when he was forty. he even fucked many girls when he was fifty. he has slowed down since turning sixty but he is still hornier than ever. the unfortunate part for Jack is that not many girls want to fuck him anymore. only if they are drunk and over two hundred pounds. this is why Jack Tait jerks off three times a day while looking at the Sears catalogue “underwear section.” Jack has always liked seeing girls in their underwear. even when girls get horny and jump in his bed and remove their underwear to fuck…Jack puts their underwear back on and moves the underwear over a bit to fuck. some people think Jack is weird. some people think Jack is dirty. some people think Jack is lazy. but Jack knows those people are just jealous.
Jack arrives back at his beautiful rundown farmhouse in the middle of nowhere and places his tricycle at the side of his house. he doesn’t lock it. he opens the front door and enters into his rundown house. he flicks the lights on and sees fourteen girls standing in front of him with nothing but their panties on. they all look like they are from Tanzania. they range in age from twenty to seventy. Jack pops a boner. Jack is obviously horny and naked. “HI JACK…HI JACK…HI JACK…HI JACK…HI JACK…HI JACK…HI JACK…HI JACK…HI JACK…HI JACK…HI JACK…HI JACK…HI JACK…HI JACK.” they all said “HI” to Jack. Jack said “HI” back. Jack smiled and offered the girls nothing for he had nothing. the girls were not amused. they wanted Jack to treat them all to a Banana Split. they had never eaten a Banana Split before. Jack had eaten fourteen Banana Splits. Jack moved closer to the twenty year old girl from Tanzania in her cute little panties. the seventy year old girl from Tanzania in her cute little panties got jealous and started punching Jack in the back of the head. the sixty year old girl did the same thing. so did the fifty year old. the forty year old girl started biting Jack’s bum. the thirty year old girl screamed, “YOU PIG. YOU FUCKING PIG JACK. WHY DO YOU GO FOR THE TWENTY YEAR OLD GIRL WHEN WE ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL YOU FUCKING PIG??? I LOVE YOU JACK!!!” Jack ignored everyone and began hammering the twenty year old girl from Tanzania. he didn’t care what all the mature women were saying and doing. he knew that they were all jealous cunts who hadn’t been laid enough in their lifetime and now are bitter and old. shrivelled up and cold. Jack Tait pounded hard. the twenty year old girl moaned even harder. she had never fucked a sixty year old drunk and perverted man before. she was used to dweeby pussies pretending to be men. “FUCK EVERYONE…I AM FUCKING JACK TAIT AND I WILL LIVE AND FUCK UNTIL THE DAY I DIE. IF YOU WANT TO EAT MY BUM THEN YOU JUST MUNCH AWAY BECAUSE I LOVE ALL SEX AND I AM HORNY!!!”
Jack finished with the twenty year old girl from Tanzania and then fucked the other thirteen girls. he never discriminated. his boner was bleeding. he got tired after the seventy year old girl from Tanzania and drank a forty of Irish Whiskey. he also downed fourteen more cans of Guinness. the fourteen girls from Tanzania all slept on Jack while he polished off all of his booze. Jack wanted them all to leave except the twenty year old girl but he was a nice guy so he let them stay. Jack Tait eventually fell asleep with a big smile on his face. another successful ST. PADDY’S DAY. fourteen more days until April Fool’s Day. Jack loved April Fool’s Day.
Jack Tait visits a doctor.
Jack Tait decided it was time to visit a doctor again. he hadn’t been to a doctor for forty years. the last time he went he was given Prozac and told to relax and stop fighting. “you have anger issues son.” Jack Tait didn’t trust doctors but he wanted to live for another hundred years so he felt he should go. so he went. he walked nakedly into the doctor’s office and sat patiently. crying babies. old hags. rude men. geeky boys. stuck up girls who were ugly but acted as if they were hot. all the misfits in a single room. Jack sat and stared. everyone afraid to look at Jack. “Jack Tait…this way please.” naked Jack stood up and walked toward the lady announcing his name. she was old and unnattractive. “wait here and the doctor will be in shortly.” Jack nodded and sat on the thin paper on the table. he waited and waited. twenty-five minutes later a beautiful female doctor walked into the room. “hi my name is dr. seaman. please turn around and i am going to shove two fingers up your bum to see if you have any lumps.” Jack smiled and turned to the side as if he were about to pump a girl sideways. this was Jack’s favourite position. dr. seaman put vaseline on her two fingers and jammed hard. this brought Jack back to his youth when he would stick fisher price toys up his bum. his favourite was the yellow handle attached to a monkey. JACK LOVED THAT ONE. Jack was really horny as a youth. still is. Jack smiled. dr. seaman pulled out. she suddenly left the room. Jack was horny. he began hammering his twelve inch penis. he knew that he shouldn’t but he couldn’t stop himself. Jack was impulsive. he hammered and hammered. he was sweating. he was smiling. he was moaning. he was dizzy. he was thirsty. BOOM. EXPLOSION OF WHITENESS ONTO HIS LEFT HAND. dr. seaman entered and looked at Jack. Jack looked back. silence. Jack sweating more profusely. Jack looked at dr. seaman’s blouse and noticed a missing button right where her boobies were. “you’re missing a button. i’m not really looking but i thought i should tell you.” “thanks Jack. how thoughtful.” Jack still holding huge amounts of cum in his left hand. “did you need a tissue?” “yes please.” dr. seaman handed Jack a tissue and Jack cleaned up. he threw the tissue with cum in it in the garbage pail. he smiled at dr. seaman. “is that it?” he asked. “yes,” she replied. Jack walked out of the office and through the waiting room. he still had a big smile on his face. all the peasants in the waiting room still afraid to look at Jack. Jack’s twelve inch penis now two inches. he walked to the elevator and pushed the button. the elevator arrived and Jack got on. there were mirrors everywhere and Jack saw how ugly and old he was. he also saw how bald he was. wrinkled. weathered. he knew life was precious and so he took every single moment as a learning experience. he also wanted to connect with people. he was more free now than when he was young and vibrant. he knew most people wasted their lives with hang ups and insecurities and chasing money and chasing girls. he once hated those people but now Jack felt empathy. he knew other kids jammed fisher price toys up their bums. he knew girls wanted to but they were so afraid of what boys would think of them that they didn’t. he knew that life was meant to be lived and to engage with people and to have fun but he saw most people suffer through boredom and political correctness. Jack Tait walked off the elevator and through the hallway and back out onto the street. it was sunny. he unlocked his blue tricycle and started pedalling. he rode and rode. for hours and hours. up hills. down hills. through parks. through stop signs. through traffic lights. five hours later he made it back to his spot. a deserted farmhouse in Keswick, Ontario.
Jack Tait placed his bicycle on the dirty ground. he sat quietly. he found his bottle of Jack Daniels and started chugging. he puked. he drank some more. he started screaming. “HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP ME!!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP ME!!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP ME!!!” no one came. Jack grabbed a few stones and threw them on the dirt. he then went to bed. he was tired. Jack Tait is sixty years old.
notanotherphony. 