notanotherphony.

a good friend of mine recommended a great movie to me tonight.  it was called Blinded By The Light and it was based on the true story of a Pakistani boy living in England and chasing his dreams of being a writer after a friend of his introduced him to Bruce Springsteen music.  the movie had me in tears throughout but it also had me laughing and I was also very inspired.  such a great touching film in such troubling times.  I am so grateful that my buddy Morris recommended it as I believe art can really help during these tough times.  and when I say ART I mean films, music, books, paintings, or any other version of art that can make you feel or challenge your views and/or wake you up.  I’m not talking about meaningless garbage that does nothing but numb us.

Back to the film.  Blinded By The Light nailed me in so many ways as does the music of Springsteen.  his lyrics have always resonated with me and I love his storytelling at concerts too.  Before certain songs he tells great and powerfully emotional stories that always hit home.  But with Springsteen comes both pleasure and pain.  when I listen to his music I am always reminded of the hot summer day in 1985 when I was molested by an older man while hitchhiking home after lining up all night to get Springsteen tickets for his upcoming Born in the USA tour.  I lined up with friends at Markville Mall and we drank all night and listened to music all night and sang songs all night.  It was a fantastic summer evening of fun with friends and a very successful one too as we scored floor seats for Bruce.  I’m not sure how I lost my friends but I ended up on HWY 7 hitchhiking back home as I had to rush off to summer school at Thornlea.  I held my right hand out and after several cars drove by one old grey car pulled over and I hopped in.  He was an older Greek man and he asked where I was going and I told him, “Village Parkway and Carlton.”  we drove west on HWY 7 and then turned right onto Village Parkway.  he seemed fine.  he didn’t talk much.  we drove on Village Parkway and then we approached Carlton Road.  There was a stop sign there and I told him that I would get out at the stop sign.  But when we stopped and I was ready to get out he locked the doors and kept going.  I asked him to let me out and he said that we were just going to go for a little ride.  “no worries.  just a little drive,”  he said.  I sat still and sat scared.  I was frozen.  I didn’t know what to do.  we drove along Village Parkway and then turned left on 16 Ave.  then we turned right onto Warden and we drove north through Cachet Parkway area.  back then there weren’t too many houses and there wasn’t much traffic going north on Warden.  as we drove this man then started touching my leg and looking at my crotch area.  he kept touching my leg and then started touching my crotch area.  I had grey Ocean Pacific shorts on as he kept rubbing that area my penis grew larger and larger.  I was still stuck.  still frozen.  he kept rubbing and kept saying, “nice.  very nice.”  he then pulled my penis out of my shorts and started stroking it.  he stroked and stroked as I sat silent and still.  he kept saying, “very nice.  nice big penis.  so nice.”  I said nothing.  after a few minutes I blew my load and he started yelling at me.  “WHY YOU GO SO FAST???  WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???  WHY SO FAST???”  I said, “sorry.  i’m sorry.”  I then put my penis back in my shorts and he turned his car around and started driving me back to my home.  the ride back home was about ten minutes and not a word was spoken.  I was filled with fear, guilt, and shame.  I was also confused.  I still had my Bruce Springsteen tickets.  we drove back to Village Parkway and Carlton and he dropped me off.  I said, “thanks” and then hopped out of the old man’s car.  I don’t know why I thanked him but I did.  I walked into my house and nobody was home.  I ended up not going to summer school that day.

a few months later my buddies and I went to the Springsteen concert at Exhibition Stadium.  we drank at my house first and then took cabs to the subway and then took the subway to Bathurst Station and then from Bathurst Station we would take a streetcar right into the Exhibition grounds.  While on the subway I passed out and ended up at Kipling station.  I woke up confused but then soon realized I missed the stop at Bathurst.  I assume that my buddies were too drunk and didn’t notice.  They had the tickets and we didn’t have cellphones back then.  I still ended up going back to Bathurst Station and then taking a streetcar to the stadium.  Once I got there I still didn’t have a ticket but somehow someway I miraculously knew my exact seat number and told the usher at the front doors and he let me in and followed me to my seat.  By them my buddies had sold my seat but the usher let me stay anyway and the concert was fantastic.  One of the best shows that I have ever seen.

However, the whole event brings mixed emotions.  I love Springsteen.  I love his music.  I love his stories.  I get hit hard with emotions when I listen and his words really resonate with me.  But I also get hit with different emotions.  I get hit with a sense of “why?”  or I get with a sense of “why did I allow this man to do that to me.”  such mixed emotions all the way around.  I can never listen to Springsteen without thinking about that event that may or may not have affected my life.  I still LOVE Springsteen and his music is powerful for me and to me.  mixed.  mixed emotions.  mixed feelings.  confusion.  love.  sadness.  an essence of being lost and an essence of being young.  lost youth and lost memories.  confusion.  confusion.  confusion.  love.  love.  love.  torn.  torn.  torn.

 

I also wonder what happened to that man?

why didn’t I ever tell authorities?

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN.

BORN IN THE USA.

SUMMER.  1984.  OR MAYBE IT WAS 1985?

today is a new day and a new feeling.  no meds today and, therefore, no side effects.  my mind and body are clear.  I can function.  I am alive and well.  I can focus.  I can talk.  I have had two coffees and a long walk with Murphy.  the skies are grey and the air is cooler.  no mosquitoes.  the music is filled with heart and filled with soul.  my dog is laying at my side.  my daughter is away and my wife is working.  life is still moving forward.  it doesn’t stop for me.  it doesn’t stop for my friends.  it doesn’t stop for anyone until it is over and then one day it suddenly stops and you’re gone and it’s over and the world stops for you but it keeps going for everyone else.  life is filled with so many wonderful things but also so many struggles but we must embrace the wins as well as the losses.  embrace your loves.  embrace your friends.  embrace your family.  listen.  hear.  communicate.  love.  enjoy.  have fun.  say YES.  YES TO LIFE and NO to HATE.  do but sometimes also be.  listen to great music and watch great films.  engage in meaningful conversation and do not get bogged down by phony politics and phony people.  but don’t hate them.  just ignore them or use your fly swatter and swat them off of your arm or leg or wherever they “get you.”

Covid is still lingering and life is still moving.  as hard as it is on me I think of our elders who don’t have many years left and they are winding their lives down while wearing masks and unable to really travel.  what is going to happen to all the seniors who love to go south for the winter?  how will they cope?  what about all the seniors who are alone and lost.  wondering where their families are.  wondering where their lives went.  wondering when they will pass away and leave this wonderful world.

stay true to yourself.  stay true.  stay focused.  stay driven.  stay engaged.  stay alert.  stay alive.  stay open.  stay honest.  stay friendly.  stay peaceful.  stay loving.  stay empathetic.  stay understanding.  stay patient.  stay.  stay.  stay.  “DON’T LEAVE!!!  PLEASE DON’T LEAVE!!!  I WANT TO HOLD YOU AND HUG YOU FOREVER!!!!  DON’T LEAVE!!!!!”

I look at my beautiful daughter as she is fast asleep and I wonder where all the time went as we all wonder the same thing.  connect.  connect.  connect.  love.  love.  love.  I don’t need tony robbins to tell me this.  I don’t need anxiety meds to tell me this.  I don’t need a psychiatrist to tell me this.  life is love.  life is connection.  human connection.  human connection.  human connection.  stay true to yourself.  stay true to myself.  sometimes we need to slow down and smell the roses.  sometimes I need to slow down and smell the weeds.  smell the leaves.  smell the air.  smell the life.  smelly fish and smelly farts.  but laugh.  laugh is a better medication than Zoloft.  for me.  I speak for me.  I know me.  I don’t know thee.  he.  she.  we.  we is better then me.  we.  we .  we.

it is 2020.  1967.  2020.  1978.  1981.  2005.  years passed.  years lived.  big years.  happy years.  sad years.  year after year we live and we love.  see the world.  feel the love.  see and feel.  get out of my mind and into my body.

why do we hate?

why do we put our lives into the hands of fake politicians leading fake lives?

stop the insanity and listen to art.

stop the insanity and watch art.

stop the insanity and read art.

stop the insanity and feel.

feelings always more important than thought…for me.

be me.

be free.

love.

love.

love.

hug tightly and hug often.

breathe.

gratitude and love and empathy.

life 101.

the murder of George Floyd has, once again, brought race issues to the forefront of the news.  the forefront of discussion.  the forefront of life in America.  In Canada.  In the world.  the protests that have ensued have, once again, brought the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, under fire for their oppression of African Americans.  the lack of leadership is palpable.  a coward hiding in his bunker hoping everything goes away but, this time, it may not go away.  people are fed up.  people are angry.  people are tired.  first the lack of leadership during the pandemic (this lack of leadership continues) then the lack of leadership while his country is in pain.  his country is literally on fire.  his country falling apart at the hands of a failed system that oppresses many people of colour.  many people of race.  many people of poverty.  while bailing out other people.  old white billionaires that break laws daily but get bailouts instead of jail time.  bailouts instead of murder.  bailouts instead of bankruptcy.  the murder of George Floyd has incited a nation.  incited a world.  But will this anger and will these protests bring about change?  change is definitely needed but change takes time and changing an entire socioeconomic system will not be easy.  extreme capitalism is a major root of what is happening at the moment and, yet, most will only view this as RACISM.  and racism is, obviously, a big part of what is happening but we should look bigger.  look deeper.  look to your fellow brothers and sisters and see and hear their struggles.  see and hear their pain.  see and hear their stories.  stories of struggle.  stories of mental health issues.  stories of physical and sexual abuse.  stories of alcohol and drug addictions.  stories of childhood traumas.  stories of loss.  stories of poverty.  stories of shame.  stories of failed relationships.  failed families.  failed education system.  failed teachers.  failed coaches.  failed interactions with priests and failed interactions with authority.  our brothers and sisters have so much in common but we often choose to fight and argue amongst ourselves while the oligarchs continue to move forward in their quest for extreme money and extreme power.

we are all angry right now.  we are all activists right now.  we are all vocal right now.  but in a few weeks will we all go back to our lives and move on the way that we have always moved on?  move on until the next murder.  the next “tweet”.  the next war.  the next terrorist attack.  the next oil spill.  the next bomb.  the next suicide.

we need to stop the attacks on each other.  we need to come together.  blacks.  whites.  asians.  indigenous people.  latinos.  europeans.  jews.  palestinians.  muslims.  christians.  hindus.  atheists.  agnostics.  south americans.  australians.  canadians.  americans.  we need to come together and realize that this whole system is fucked for everyone.  how can such a rich world have so much poverty?   how can such a rich world have so much crime?  how can such a rich world have so many angry people?  so many wars?  so much destruction?  we entrust our leaders and we seemingly believe in this system of oppression and greed.  killing millions of people worldwide under the guise of SECURITY.  WHEN WILL THIS STOP?  I LOVE THE PROTESTS.  I LOVE THE RIOTS.  THE PEACEFUL PROTESTS HAVE DONE NOTHING.  COLIN KAEPERNICK’S PROTESTS WERE SHOT DOWN.  LIFE WENT ON.  THE FIRE WAS STILL BUBBLING.  THE BLOOD WAS STILL BOILING.  NOTHING CHANGING AND THEN ANOTHER MURDER OF A BLACK MAN BY AUTHORITY.  NOT ALL COPS ARE BAD.  I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE IN THE FORCE AND THEY ARE EXCELLENT HUMAN BEINGS.  BETTER THAN I.  HOWEVER, THEY ARE PUT IN DANGEROUS SITUATIONS DAILY BECAUSE OF THE FAILED ECONOMIC AND POLITICAL SYSTEM THAT IS IN PLACE.  PEOPLE ARE FED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Trump is not the answer.  But neither is Biden.  Neither was Obama nor Clinton.  this system abuses it’s powers and keeps people down while lining the pockets of the big corporations and their greedy leaders.  it is a failed system that needs major changes.  how many murders?  how much poverty?  how much disease?  how many homeless?  how many wars?  how many bailouts?  what will it take for us all to look at our current system and say, “THIS IS FAILING.”

and while many of us are in support of Black Lives Matter and many are sick of the racism and sick of the murders of black people at the hands of the authority do NOT shame someone if they are not as passionate about the cause as we all would want them to be.  we have to understand that there are so many people in so much pain.  everyone has their own cause.  their own fight.  we have so many causes and so many fights going on right now that we don’t have enough time for everyone’s cause.  we don’t have enough time for everyone’s fight.  please do not shame.  we need to all be more human.  we need to all be more understanding.  we need to all have more empathy.  we need to all listen more.  we need to look deep inside us and see what we want.  what we have.  what we can give.  we need to treat other’s the way we would want to be treated.

we are all in pain.  we are all grieving.  we are all struggling.

FIGHT THE POWERS THAT BE.

these are sad times BUT also there is much unity and the political bullshit game seems to be over.  let’s keep going and keep holding our so called leaders accountable.  let’s hold the system accountable.  let’s question everything and anything.  do not let them off the hook.  do not get distracted by the next event.  do not get distracted by the next celebrity.

COME TOGETHER.

UNITE.

FIGHT.

WE ALL NEED TO BE HUMAN AGAIN.

The quarantine continues.  the heat continues.  the frustrations continue.  the never ending lies and deceipt continue.  we no longer know what or who to believe.  I try to focus on myself and my family but there are frustrations there as well.  everyone is on edge.  everyone is confused.  it is weird.  very weird.  very scary.  very unstable.  with all this instability and all this confusion and chaos I decide to run.  run far and run often.  I run daily and cycle daily.  I feel great.  I feel alive.  I feel healthy and then one day BOOM.  my ankle is in pain.  my knee is in pain.  my back is in pain.  I am in pain.  mental pain.  physical pain.  financial pain.  NO PAIN NO GAIN???  my mind racing once again.  an episode of mania hovering.  hovering and waiting.  spinning my mind and shaking my soul.  it is ever present.  what to do?  what to do?  Tony Robbins books and then Zig Ziglar books and then Simon Sinek books and psychiatrists and psychotherapists and filling out forms for Big Brother and wanting to be a Motivational Speaker and wanting to be a coach and wanting to be a leader and wanting to inspire and wanting to GO GO GO and then BOOM.  the crash.  the crash in mind.  the crash in body and I’m still wound up.  Still wound tight.  so I decide to go out for a hike in the back pit behind our house.  I let Murphy off the leash as usual and then the noise of the dirt bikes hit me.  the noise hits me hard.  a frustration sets in.  a peaceful time is now stressful.  Knowing Murphy will chase the bikes and not knowing what the bikers will do.  we are in trying times with frustrated people.  IT IS HOT AND HUMID AND THE BUGS ARE OUT IN FULL FORCE AND I AM LIMPING.  I continue.  Murphy takes off and chases the bike.  the bike speeds away but was slow in his speed.  old bike.  Murphy comes back to me.  we continue to walk.  Murphy looking around as he hears the loud noise again.  so do I but I am looking at the ground and trying to do some sort of deep breathing exercise.  THE NOISE IS LOUDER.  THE NOISE IS EVERYWHERE.  ALWAYS NOISE.  NEVER PEACE.  A LIFETIME OF NOISE AND A LIFETIME WITHOUT PEACE.  The bike speeds by us again and Murphy chases after the bike again.  I do not have the patience nor the will to call Murphy back.  Let him chase the bike.  I hate when they are back in the pit anyway.  Murphy comes back and we continue.  we walk through the forest filled with trees and squirrels.  also filled with mosquitoes and ticks.  we continue.  My right ankle is in pain.  we are almost out of the forest when we hear the bike again.  Murphy takes off and then I hear the guy yelling, “FUCK OFF DOG.  FUCK OFF.  GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.  FUCK OFF!!!”

Naturally I come to my dog’s defense and yell back, “FUCK YOU BUDDY.  SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!”

Of course this guy now jumps off of his bike throws it to the ground and comes at me.  I have to stand my ground as I cannot run away.  I cannot turn away.  I am fifty-three years old.

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY FAGGOT!!!”  he said.

“I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP.  YOU PIECE OF SHIT.”

He said, “I’ll kill you you fucking faggot.  You’re lucky I am here with my bike or I would kill you.”  this crazy guy is now in my face.

“LICK MY BALLS YOU GOOF!!!”

“FUCK YOU.  YOU BITCH!!!”  HE SAID.

I said, “YOU’RE NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE ANYWAY.  NO BIKES ALLOWED.”

He snapped more than he was already snapping.  “THIS IS MY COUNTRY.  YOU EUROPEAN FAGGOTS CAME OVER AND STOLE THIS LAND FROM ME.  I’M A NATIVE.”

I was scared.  he was still in my face and he was shaking.  I should have walked away but I just couldn’t.  I did tell him that I was on his side in his fight for justice with the Indigenous people but he really wasn’t listening.  the words got louder.  we got closer.  I didn’t know if I should swing and try to take him down or wait for him to swing and try to protect myself.  Murphy was quiet throughout.

“I’m on your side buddy.  I’m on your side.  Calm down.  this isn’t worth it.  calm down.”

“YOU CALM DOWN YOU BITCH.  I GUESS YOU’RE GOING TO RUN TO THE COPS LIKE A LITTLE SNITCHY BITCH.”

“afraid to go back to jail?”  I said.

he swung his helmet and it hit me in the arm.  I still didn’t want to fight.  it left a bruise and a cut but still not worth a fight.  But I still could not back down.  male bravado.  male ego.  male stupidity.  male competition.

“Calm down guy.  it’s not worth it.  it’s not worth it.  just calm down.”

“YOU’RE SO FUCKING LUCKY YOU FAGGOT.  I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN YOU FUCK.”

the guy starts walking away and so do I.  he mumbles some other shit and so I yell back, “who cares about your shitty bike anyway?  it’s a hunk of shit!!!”

he turns around and starts bolting towards me again.  I am ready again.  heart racing.  fear.  adrenaline.  spit flying from his mouth.

“you better not infect me with Covid you fucker!!!”  I said.

“FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!”  he yelled back at me while shaking extremely.

we remained toe to toe.  breathing.  shaking.  not moving.  Murphy standing in silence for once.  and then he walked away.  I took Murphy and walked the other way.  Mosquitoes surrounding me.  Mosquitoes biting me.  Sun still beating down on me.  legs sore.  body sore.  mind sore.  still frustrated.  still confused.  still in mania.

we made it back to our house and I ate a Falafel.  I read a book.  I drank a coffee.  my ankle still very very sore with ankle tendinitis.  the day was only half over.

today is a new day.

today I feel better.

today I did not exercise.

today is a day that I slowed down.

today was introspection instead of outer energy.  outer rage.  outer frustration.

today is cooler.

today is windy.

today I am still alive.

today is a good day.

 

 

 

Friday has arrived and I have changed my mindset.  I have decided to stop watching all the doom and gloom.  I have decided to stop engaging in conversations that “work me up” but offer no solutions to bettering my life.  I have decided to focus on my life.  my health.  my family’s life.  my family’s health.  I want to inspire NOT upset.  I want to INSPIRE not judge.  I want to INSPIRE not demean.  I want to INSPIRE not condemn.  That is for me.  what I need to do.  what I want to do.  I feel my life is much better when I am coming at life with hope and inspiration NOT anger and aggression.  But with INSPIRATION comes challenges.  I first need to INSPIRE myself.  I need to look inward and see where I need to fix things.  I need to look inward and see what I want to do with my life.  I need to look inward to see what my skills are.  what my flaws are.  are the flaws worth fixing or better off accepting?  These are things that I need to do.  these are things that I can do.  I don’t need anyone else to take an inventory of my life and tell me what I need to do.  What I need to be.  What I need to change.  It starts with me.  A real deep and hard look inward.  A real deep and hard look at what I really want out of life.  what do I really want?  this is NOT easy.  It is harder when you have adhd among other things.  BUT I CAN DO IT.  I have many hours in a day to do this.  I can say that we all have the power to change and I firmly believe that but I will start by saying, “I HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE.”  My life is in my hands.  EXTREME OWNERSHIP.

May 15, 2020.

run.

read.

write.

walk Murphy.

learn something new.

set a goal.

set a plan to achieve that goal.

set goals.

set plans to achieve those goals.

breathe.

love.

listen.

inspire.

connect.

avoid drama.

avoid the news.

avoid reading articles on facebook.

compliment someone.

compliment many.

relax.

drink a coffee.

eat a falafel.

drink a glass of wine (bottle).

listen to great music.  what is great music?  discover new music.

everyone was once a little child filled with loving parents and loving friends.

don’t give up that childhood love.

don’t give up that childhood fun.

don’t give up that childhood hope.

don’t give up your childhood curiosity.

don’t give up your childhood imagination.

don’t give up your childhood sense of play.

don’t give up your childhood dreams.

what were your childhood dreams?

what are your adult dreams?

what makes you happy?

what makes me happy?

feel.

really feel.

life.

soak it all in.