notanotherphony.

sad.  lazy.  pathetic.  entitled.  dull.  fake.  phony.  old.  washed up.  lacking care.  lacking empathy.  too many meetings.  nothing accomplished.  overpaid but bringing nothing to the table.  nothing interesting.  nothing unique.  nothing of substance.  lacking passion.  lacking fire.  lacking innovation.  afraid of the system.  afraid of the rules.  afraid of the leaders but not realizing they have no leaders.  they have fake leaders with fake titles and fake smiles.  but wannabe leaders with no mind of their own and no spine do not get approval from me.  they are sick.  they are lazy.  they are sad.  sad figures that will die an uneventful death after an uneventful life filled with useless meetings.  useless fundraisers.  useless galas.  useless relationships.  what a sick education system we have.  what a sick system of government we have.

THE WRONG PEOPLE ALWAYS IN CHARGE.

WHERE ARE THE REAL LEADERS?

WHY DO WE ALLOW AVERAGE PHONY PEOPLE TO RUN OUR LIVES?  TO RUN OUR GOVERNMENT?  TO RUN OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM?

WHY?

WHY?

WHY?

and are we afraid to call them out?  do they have us by the proverbial BALLS?  do they subtly bully us with their subtle threats?  when will we rise up and challenge these outdated people following outdated rules and an outdated curriculum?  most kids these days are smarter than their teachers and definitely smarter than their dull principals and even duller superintendents.  superintendents who wake up from their dull sleep and hop in their dull shower and drive their dull car to their dull office to go to their dull meetings with dull trustees who were voted in by the dull citizens of dull towns with dull programs run by dull people with dull lives.

A SYSTEM OF MEDIOCRITY.

A SYSTEM OF LIES.

A SYSTEM OF DECEPTION.

A SYSTEM OF OLD WASHED UP WHITE PEOPLE SITTING AROUND OLD DESKS DRINKING THEIR SHITTY TIM HORTON’S COFFEE AND DISCUSSING THEIR DULL LIVES AND DULL WIVES AND DULL PLANS.

BUT A SYSTEM THAT PAYS USELESS DULL PEOPLE LOTS OF MONEY TO DO NOTHING BUT MAINTAIN THE STATUS QUO OF THESE DULL AND OUTDATED BOARDS.  DULL AND OUTDATED SCHOOLS.  DULL AND OUTDATED GOVERNMENTS THAT TALK ABOUT SAVING TAXES (HOLY SHIT!!!!  HOW FUCKING ORIGINAL!!!!)  and yet the puppets fall for it.  the puppets argue about it.  the puppets put these dull and uncaring people on pedestals and hang on to their every word as if it is uniquely GOLDEN but not realizing that the only book that these losers have ever read is the bible and the union handbook.

SICK FUCKERS.

SICK PEOPLE.

SICK SYSTEM.

I WILL NEVER VOTE AGAIN.

AND THE SCHOOL BOARDS AND GOVERNMENTS…YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES.

SAD AND PATHETIC.

dad dying suddenly.  nana dying a month later.  mom overdosing.  taken away for a month to recover while jack tait and his brother went away to another families house.  getting molested by an old greek man.  getting drunk.  many blackouts.  many fights.  many arrests.  some falsely.  some warranted.  jail time.  alcohol centers.  aa meetings.  many fucks.  few girlfriends.  more fucks.  more blackouts.  many drugs.  more deaths.  psychiatrists.  pills.  lots of pills.  lots of diagnosis.  some correct.  mostly incorrect.  more drunken nights.  more fucks.  more blackouts.  more deaths.  confusion.  loss.  emptiness.  more fucks.  more deaths.  and then Jack Tait woke up.  alone and drunk in a remote farmhouse in the middle of nowhere.  more than half his life gone and not much to show for it except a long lost daughter.  a long lost wife.  and a long lost left nut that was once young and vibrant but had deteriorated over the last few years and ended up in the gutter along with Jack’s hopes.  jack’s dreams.  jack’s confidence.  and jack’s pants.  he now sits in a shitty reclining purple chair with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and his right sagging nut in the other.  HE IS FUCKED AND HE KNOWS IT.

Jack Tait looked out the kitchen window and saw nothing but his blue tricycle laying on the cold ground.  it was covered in snow.  he once rode that bike proudly but now rides it in shame.  counting down the days until he can no longer move.  no longer speak.  he hasn’t seen anyone in ten years except one squirrel that frequently sits outside Jack’s bedroom window.

Jack Tait somehow someway pulled his naked body up from the couch and slithered across the dirty wooden floor.  he opened up the fridge and saw one can of beer.  he closed the door and took a big sip of Jack Daniels and then walked outside.  he was naked and alone.  he leaned down to pick up his blue tricycle and saw his one sagging nut up close.  it was wrinkled and old.  just like Jack was wrinkled and old.  many years of fucking and sucking and drinking and pill popping had finally caught up to Jack.  he was now old and tired.  still lonely.  still sad.  still alive but lost in thought.  lost in pain.  he picked up his bike and sat on the cold seat with his bare bum.  he took one more chug of Jack Daniels and threw the bottle away.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

And off he went.  he rode down his long barren driveway and turned right.  he pedalled as fast as he could but he could still hear the voices.  still see the bodies.  nothing peaceful about Jack’s life despite the pills.  despite the booze.  despite the loneliness.  Jack pedalled faster but the voices became louder.  became stronger.  the voices becoming stronger as Jack grew weaker.  “is this what old age is?”

Jack pedalled and pedalled and pedalled and pedalled but nothing could calm his busy mind.  nothing could cure his aching heart.  he was fucked and he finally knew it.  he turned left (for once) and fell over the edge of the narrow cliff.  he fell twenty one feet and landed on the top of a willow tree.  he could no longer move.  no longer see.  but his mind still worked.  his mind still cluttered with too many thoughts but zero clarity.  he sat there naked and alone.  still in pain.  still in shame.  lonely and sad.  emptiness never cured.  death close but not before life tortured him a little more.  alone and naked for all to see.

“well at least I fucked over one hundred and twenty-five girls in my life.  I even remember the names of half of them.  never hated any of them.  never really loved…never really lost…one hundred and twenty-five.  and now I sit naked and alone.  in pain.  in shame.  one nut.  no peace.  no quiet.  what happened to me Lord???”

but the lord never answered JACK’S question.  not this time.  not anytime.  and such is life.

life.

death.

sadness.

happiness.

loss.

lots of loss.

lots of lost hope.

human beings continue to sicken me more and more.  such fucking fake phonies everywhere.  a society filled with useless Instagram posts that no one really cares about yet their followers hit”like” and their fake followers follow them and create a sickening person offering up nothing but somehow someway their account has thousands and thousands of followers.  useless people offering up nothing but tits and ass following other useless people offering up nothing but tits and ass.  what a sickening pile of barf.  life was better when the artists were the ones who offered up something for us all.  now every tom dick and harry has something to offer but the offering is garbage.  the offering is dull.  the offering is unnecessary.  the offering offers up rehashed opinions and rehashed pictures of smiling faces and small boobs or big boobs.  fucking filtered versions of themselves and then all of their friends tell them how pretty they are but no one really cares.  a society that is completely falling apart at the seams and yet so called artists are offering up selfies.  what a complete and utter sickening joke.  FUCK ALL OF THEM!!!  FUCKING PANSIES!!!  FUCK EVERYONE.

then useless fucking parents that offer up nothing to the world are passing their useless dull lives filled with their useless dull opinions down to their princesses or pigs whatever adjective suits them best.  disney a fucking disgrace for everyone but the maggots of the world filled with their beautiful white teeth and beautiful steel hearts continue to applaud it the way they applaud the bachelor and bachelorette.  fifty fucking shades of semen is a hit and yet the #metoo movement is in full effect.  the hypocrisy of life.  the hypocrisy of our society.  the hypocrisy of hollywood and it’s sheep.  pounding us with shitty movie after shitty movie and if you have an opinion…a negative opinion…you are called bitter.  fuck everyone with their dull fucking lives and their dull fucking wives and their dull and phony kids and their fake friends and fake followers and fake mom’s who just want their little princess to be popular.  celebrity gazing will usually lead to celebrity fucking and then the peasants will cry wolf.  FUCK THEM!!!!  FUCKING MAGGOTS!!!!

our youth are being fucked by their shitty parents who fucking gave up their dull lives decades ago and are now desperately trying to be cool with “the girls” well FUCK THEM!!!!

shitty school systems filled with shitty rules and shitty people flood our society and then we churn out shitty people with shitty ideas and shitty dreams.  SAD SACKS OF SHIT!!!

then the maggots talk bullshit about mental health and “let’s talk” but nobody fucking listens anyway and the mentally challenged continue to spiral down and down and down unless they fight back with art that challenges all these assholes and their corporations filled with pencil pushers and rule followers.  websites of these companies…YES AFBS I AM SPEAKING TO YOU…are filled with mental health ads and mental health stories but when you miss a deadline due to your adhd or whatever mental illness I have (not sure as I can’t afford a real doctor and, instead, get the paint by numbers doctor) then you miss your benefits and can’t be covered again for a whole year.  WE CARE ABOUT MENTAL ILLNESS THOUGH???????!!!!!  FUCK YOU WITH YOUR CHEAP SMILES AND CHEAP SUITS AND CHEAP PERFUME OR CHEAP COLOGNE.  FUCK EVERYONE WHO ABIDES BY THE RULES OF BOREDOM.  TOO MANY SMILING FACES THAT LOOK LIKE THEY ARE ABOUT TO TAKE A SHIT.  HERE LOOK…I WILL SHIT ALL OVER YOUR FUCKING FAKE WHITE TEETH YOU FUCKING DISGUSTING PIG!!!

anyway, our society is fucked up.  really fucked up.  i should go off of my phone as i am utterly bored at all the dull posts.  sheep following sheep.  keep posting shit.  keep treating people like shit.  keep following fake girls and wimpy boys and for all you parents out there who just want your kid to be in the popular group…….FUCK YOU!!!!  YOU ARE A DISGUSTING HUNK OF FUCKING SHIT!!!

why are we such savages?  why are we filled with so much anger?  so much hate?  why do we compete with each other instead of working with each other?  what are we all chasing?  who is teaching us to chase such things?  why do we allow old rich white guys to run our lives?  why do we follow such outdated rules?  why do we not question more?  why do we allow our lives to be driven into the ground?  driven into the ground with dull jobs.  dull lives.  dull music.  dull television.  dull films.  dull rules.  dull leaders.  dull skies and dull lies.  why do we stop living and start preparing for retirement when we will then, miraculously, begin to live? why do we allow our lives to be wasted?  why don’t we change?  can we change?  are “likes” more important than substance?  why are there so many selfies and what is the point of the selfie?  why do girls get upset at guys for objectifying them but then their social media feed is filled with sexual bikini pics and the comments from their friends are all about their looks and their beauty?  how vain are we?  how narcissistic have we become?  what are the ramifications of such useless feeds and useless pics filled with likes and shallow comments?  what is one’s purpose in life when their social media feed is filled with sexual pics?  what have we become as a society?  a society of sheep and puppets filled with useless likes and useless followers.  useless IG friends.  useless posts.  useless jokes.  useless looks with duck lips and weird eyes with dog noses.  why do people want to look like aliens?  what do people talk about these days?  where are people’s souls?  where are people’s hearts?  why is there such a competition amongst us all?  why do men and women fight each other?  why is there such anger?  such hate?  can men and women be friends without thinking about sex?  about fucking?  really?  is it possible?  is it okay to think it but not do it?  is Catholic guilt always getting in the way of freedom?  and how can you have Catholic guilt when you don’t believe in god?  how fucked up is that?  how many psychiatrists do I have to see before I realize that psychiatrists cannot and will not fix me?  money thrown down the drain.  thrown down the gutter.  thrown away the way my confidence was thrown away when the old greek man molested me over thirty years ago.  and where is that old greek man?  he must be dead.  did he die feeling guilt?  did he molest anyone else?  why did he do it?  how did I get picked?  why did I allow it?  why do I feel shame?  why can’t I overcome this?  thirty years of psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, rehab centres,  self help books, and cognitive behaviour therapy have not changed the feelings that I have about getting molested.  I know that it wasn’t my fault.  I know that I am a victim.  I know that I have to let it go.  I know all there is to know about being molested and moving on and yet I cannot move on.  pretending to move on but mired in shame.  mired in guilt.  mired in low self esteem and low opinions of myself.  the old greek man is dead.  probably.  he died and I am left to pick up the pieces.  pick them up with laughter.  with hope.  with fire.  with rage.  with booze.  with love.  with shame.  with fading childhood memories and a fading life.  watching shitty movies about super heroes and comic book heroes while the real art is buried under fear.  fear.  shame.  loss.  guilt.  busy brain.  busy mind.  busy hands.  busy life.  busy but running in quicksand.  sort of like those dreams where you are running to get away from the monster but you are not moving.  you’re running but not moving.  the monster is getting closer and closer and closer and then you wake up in a cold sweat in a cold room.  cold and barren.  where?  what happened?  where has life gone?  where is it going?  when does it all make sense?  children becoming adults in secure homes with secure parents and secure schools with secure friends and secure self esteem.  then there are children who grow up in broken homes with broken parents and broken hopes with monsters inflicting pain on them but the monsters continue to live while the victims die slowly.  mired in shame.  mired in pain.  putting on a brave face but always left to wonder “why?”  why me?  what did I do?  why was there no help?  trust thrown out the window of the old greek man’s car.  loving everyone but trusting no one.  this is not an easy task.  it boggles even the best of minds.  the best of souls.  it boggles my mind.  my soul.  and then there are those kids who grow up without any pain.  any loss.  any abuse.  happy childhood memories leading to happy university memories leading to happy marriages with happy kids and happy vacations.  happiness passing on happiness to more happy people.  more happy families.  more happy lives and happy kids.  a big community of happiness.  big dinners.  big cars.  big vacations.  big rings.  big hopes.  big dreams.  big families.  big jobs.

BIG.

BIG AND HAPPY.

BIG HAPPY LIVES.

BIG HAPPY LIVES.

BIG HAPPY SMILES.

BIG HAPPY HOPES.

BIG HAPPY DREAMS.

and then there is loss.

attempted suicides.

molestations.

fights.

false arrests.

broken bones.

drug and rehab centers.

lack of trust.

lack of love.

lack of help.

lack of hope.

busy mind.

shattered soul.

big heart.

big heart buried underneath the steel wall.

the steel wall of protection.

doctor can you help?

noise.  always too much noise in my brain.  always too foggy.  always too scattered.  always too many people wanting my time.  too many people wanting my energy.  energy suckers always in full force.  always the wrong people.  the wrong energy.

love.

where is the love?

look for the love.

life.

always passing by much too quickly.

kids getting older.

adults growing old.

wrinkles and saggy skin.

lost.

always lost.

future?

not sure.

blessed with many skills but such a fast and busy mind stopping any sort of progress.  stopping any sort of plan.

wanting everything now and now and now and fast and immediate and no time for patience.  no time for “eventually”.

TIME IS NOW.

more passion and more purpose than most but busier mind than most too.

is there a way of working with a busy mind?  find the right profession.  find the right purpose.  find the right coach.  find the right people.  life dwindling away day after dreary day.

do not slow down.  speed up.  focus the speed.  focus the energy.  focus the passion.  focus the purpose.

HELP IS NEVER AVAILABLE.  IT IS AVAILABLE IN NAME BUT NOT IN ACTION.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

WHO AM I?

WHAT DO I WANT?

provide.

slow down.  speed up.  uppers.  downers.  chamomile tea.  exercise.  meditation.  yoga.  prayer.  no prayer.  fuck everyone.  love.  accept.  surrender.  allow.  let go.  be.  do.  be.  do.  be.  do.  what to do?  what works?  what is my purpose?  what is my goal?  what are my skills?  what are my passions?  what are my fears?  who do I love?  does anyone really care?  what is life?  why do some people die so young?  why are some young kids raped and murdered?  why are some people so evil?  what is the purpose for other people?  do people really listen to politicians?  Do people really respect politicians?  what is your purpose?  what is your life about?  I want to help my daughter succeed but I don’t know the answer to success.  the books tell me that you must follow your heart.  follow your “why” and follow your purpose but that comes with financial struggles.  that comes with emotional struggles.  that comes with marital struggles.  that comes with family struggles.  LIFE.  LOSS.  LOVE.  OLD.  GETTING OLD.  LIFE PASSING BY AND I FEEL STUCK IN A TOWN THAT OFFERS LITTLE BUT WHAT DO WE DO?  our daughter starting high school next year.  she has already been on an emotional roller coaster.  move here.  move there.  move back here.  move back there.  no stability.  no plan.  no fun.  no excitement.  life passing by.  not slowly.  quickly.  passing by quickly.  decisions becoming bigger.  life becoming smaller.

purpose.

what is my purpose?

what is your purpose?

INSPIRE.

ALWAYS INSPIRE.

INSPIRE WITH TRUTH.

NO PHONINESS.

NO BULLSHIT.

NO BOREDOM.

purpose.

goals.

actions.

discipline.

focus.

busy mind.

big heart.

open soul.

roller coaster.

always on a roller coaster.

day planner?

my vison becoming more blurry.

my mind becoming more blurry.

my life becoming more blurry.

more pills.

less focus.

more pills.

less sleep.

less is more?

more or less.

Gary Brown murdered over twenty years ago.

whatever happened to Stephanie Brown?

life can be so painful.

life can float by without anything of significance and then BOOM.  someone dies.  and then your life is turned upside down.  death is painful.  life can be hopeful.  have fun.  always try to have fun.  do not be bored.  boredom is painful.  dullness is boring which leads to booze and then pills and then frustration and then to reminiscing about the great days of the past but the great days of the past were filled with death and arrests and failures and fights and drunkenness and loss.  always loss.

GO JETS GO.

GO JETS GO.

GO JETS GO.

I miss playing hockey.