notanotherphony.

human connection.  real human connection.  life at it’s best.  love.  feel.  listen.  embrace.  have empathy.  empathy for everyone.  I have not lived in other people’s shoes.  I never will.  the best I can do is listen.  really listen.  listen with love.  feel.  be open.  do not be a closed book.  a closed book filled with fear and ego.  fear and ego ruining the world that we live in.  does anybody read anymore?  art much more important than politics.  politics where old white businessman fill the bellies of their old white rich friends while disregarding the rest of our society.  greed.  how does one become so greedy?  so needy?  so angry?  so dull?  so hateful?  so stuck in their ways?  old outdated rules being followed by old dull rule followers who are too patriotic and too small minded.  where’s the love?  where’s the respect?  where’s the understanding.  when you begin to fall apart and start dying a slow and painful death will you still blame immigrants?  still blame women?  still blame muslims?  blame jews?  blame blacks?  the blame game is plenty but when you are sick and dying does the hate really matter?  wouldn’t love be more important then?  and if it is more important then, wouldn’t it be more important now?

what is life?

really think about it.  what is it?  we are all slowly dying.  day after day we are closer to death.  would you rather go out doing things you love to do?  what do you love to do?  has facebook and IG become too much of a distraction for you?  constant fighting and bickering with people over politics.  over religion.  over #metoo.  over #blacklivesmatter.  fighting but with no real argument.  no real love.  no real empathy.  no real understanding.

life.

what is it to you?

what is it for you?

life can be really short for some.

life can be really long for other’s.  and even when it is long it goes by too quickly.  you look at yourself in the mirror one day and you are fifty years old.

what impact do you want?

what do you want to be remembered for?

remembered as?

love is stronger than hate.

why is their hate?

we are all human beings.

respect.

stop following news feeds that promote HATE.

start small.

connect.

human connection is so important and yet many choose to hide.  hide in fear.  but fear of what?  rejection?  rejection from what?

DON’T HIDE.

LIVE.

CONNECT.

LOVE.

DON’T SAY, “I LOVE YOU.”  and then retreat to your shell.  retreat to your wall.  break down the wall.  SMASH IT DOWN AND CONNECT.

sirens blaring.

ambulances racing.

beautiful music playing while someone is slowly dying.  doctor’s unable to save them.  one last breath.  eyes looking for love but love and life about to end.

silence.

real silence.

breathe.

LOVE.

the end.

I sit at my computer trying to piece together the words to describe how incredibly proud I am of my daughter.  new school.  new friends.  new life.  new hopes.  new dreams.  new excitement.  new courage.  new energy.  new attitude.  such a positive change.  the positive environment at her new school making a world of difference for my daughter.  for us.  gratitude.  lots of gratitude.

my wife and I sit in the gymnasium of Rylee’s new school about to watch her deliver a speech on Michelle Obama and the positive influence she has had on women around the world.  she always chooses great people to write about.  to learn about.  to share her knowledge with others.  she is growing up fast.  we sit and wait for her name to be called.  so nervous.  always so nervous for her.  do other parents share this same emotion?  it is always so hard watching Rylee perform.  I want her to do well.  I want her to succeed.  I want her to have fun.  BUT I DON’T WANT HER TO MESS UP.  I DON’T WANT HER TO EMBARRASS HERSELF.  I DON’T WANT HER TO FAIL.  I hate feeling these feelings.  I hate thinking these thoughts.  I should have confidence in her.  I should KNOW that she will do well.  she always does but I still worry.  I sit in fear.  I sit in worry.  I keep my thoughts to myself.  I sit and I hope.  hope for the best.  hope she doesn’t stumble.  hope she doesn’t fall.  hope she doesn’t panic.  hope she succeeds in delivering a great speech after all of her hard work.

her name is called and we watch.  we listen.  I panic but with a smile.  I love her sooooooo much!!!!  she begins her speech.  the gymnasium is quiet.  she is such a loving and kind hearted person.  she radiates love and compassion.  she has a huge heart and a big soul.  she delivers a fantastic speech.  very clear.  very confident.  we are soooooo proud of her.  tears flowing down my face.  tears of joy.  tears of love.  tears of relief.  I doubt, but she never disappoints.  she is the rock in our family.  the rock that holds us all together.  for such a young girl she is so mature.  she has such wisdom.  such love.  such empathy.  such respect.  such openness and such honesty.  a little gift making a HUGE difference in our small lives.  gratitude.  lots of gratitude.

now I sit staring at my computer.  wondering what to write next.  mind drifting.  hot.  glass of wine to the left of me.  my dog chewing a bone in front of me.  Rylee and Nicole upstairs.  listening to REM.  BOWIE.  PEARL JAM.  toque on.  wondering what to write next.  wondering what to write next.  always wondering what to write next.

love.

feelings.  big feelings.  nervous.  happy.  proud.  nervous.  love.  HUGE LOVE.  PROUD.  HUGE PROUD.  HUGE PROUD.  HUGE PROUD.

I get a call from upstairs to come up and tuck Rylee into bed.  I walk upstairs.  I tuck her in.  kiss her goodnight.  look her in the eyes and say, “I LOVE YOU.  I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.”

truth.

love.

gratitude.

love.

gratitude.

love.

gratitude.

life.  I never want life to end.

what to do with my life.  what to do with my life.  I am always trying to figure out what to do with my life.  no money.  little excitement.  a big fire but it is beginning to flame out.  arguing with people over the wrong things for long periods of time and then the time is gone.  never to be recovered.  changing people’s opinion’s is nearly impossible.  and if you are NOT struggling with money then the system works.  if you ARE struggling with money then it doesn’t work.  it is a pretty simple concept and yet I still argue.  I still try to win but my energies would be better spent elsewhere.  doing something that is meaningful.  doing something that is powerful.  doing something that moves people.  doing something that affects people.  doing something that makes people feel.  makes them think.  there is already enough useless ENTERTAINMENT out there for the masses so I choose to NOT add more uselessness to the world and yet I must add something.  I cannot or will not work for someone else.  getting up everyday at 6am and pounding a coffee down my throat.  rushing out the door in darkness.  hitting up McPukes drive through for a breakfast sandwich.  rushing to work with all the other “rushers” to make little money doing little jobs for little men with small penises but huge ego’s and a small small brain.  I REFUSE TO LOSE BUT THAT IS LOSING FOR ME.

CREATE.  CREATE.  CREATE.

LOVE.  I ALWAYS GO BACK TO LOVE.  I NEED MORE LOVE IN MY LIFE.  I NEED MORE CONNECTION IN MY LIFE.  I NEED MORE HUGS.  I NEED MORE KISSES.  I NEED FUN.  I NEED MEMORIES…MEMORIES…memories…childhood memories again.  it always goes back to childhood memories where I met many great friends and many great dads.  many great mom’s.  life was easier.  life was fun.  life was hopeful.  hopeful… hoping to win the game.  hoping to win the girl.  hoping to win the race.  hoping to go out for dinner.  hoping to get a good report card.  hoping to win the award.  hoping to score a goal.  hoping to make a save.  hoping for Dad to come home.  hoping for Dad to wake up.  hoping it was all just a big joke.  a big hoax.  a big dream.

it was not.

LOVE.  NEED MORE LOVE.

INSPIRE.  NEED MORE INSPIRATION.

DO NOT GET CAUGHT UP IN POLITICS UNLESS I AM WILLING TO CHALLENGE THE SYSTEM.  WILLING TO CHANGE THE SYSTEM.

WRITE.

CREATE.

DO WHAT I AM MEANT TO DO.

LIVE.

LOVE.

CREATE.

INSPIRE.

HELP OTHERS.

MOTIVATE OTHER’S.

in such a phony world filled with phony people doing phony things with phony smiles and phony Instagram accounts be REAL.

I want to start a revolution but the masses are not ready for a revolution.

doug ford.

Jason kenney.

donald trump.

three irrelevant people that we have somehow made relevant.

why?

WHY?

WHY?

but fuck them.

FUCK THEM.

sit down.  relax.  focus.  feel.  and then write.

Nicole Morin vanished from her west end apartment thirty-four years ago and has not been seen since.  she was eight years old at the time.  she was on her way down to meet her friend to go swimming.  it was a hot day in July.  summer.  no school.  fun.  friends.  swimming.  playing.

but she never made it down.

and she’s never been found.

her parents were devastated.

how could she be taken without a trace?

no evidence or botched evidence?

no closure for the parents.

sad.

her Mom died a few years later from cancer.

her Dad all alone.

wondering just what happened to his precious daughter.

why are humans so hurtful?

why are some so evil?

empathy.

love.

create.

 

I guess the only way to keep people happy is to keep my mouth shut.  anything I say is wrong.  anything I do is wrong.  anything I want is wrong.  any movement.  any opinion.  all wrong.  I am just WRONG even though I know that I am RIGHT.  life is a long journey and the truth always plays out in the end.  when people are on their deathbeds and are guilt ridden and filled with regret then they may realize that I may have been right.  I may actually have something of importance to say.  my opinions just may be valid.  may be right.  my plan could just once be right.  I actually have lived a life filled with many mistakes.  mistakes that I have drawn on to better myself and now I could pass this wonderful wisdom onto others but no one wants to listen.  I am WRONG.  I AM ANGRY.  I AM CRAZY.  the answer is to keep my mouth shut and watch mistake after mistake.  then everyone is happy.  everyone is content.  no feathers have been ruffled.  no feelings have been hurt.  life.  filled with lots of ups and downs but if you do not learn from your downs then what are you doing???  and if you are not doing then you are sitting.  sitting in fear doing nothing but watching bad tv shows and looking at Instagram.  well that is NOT living.  that is wasting.  wasting life.  wasting a body.  wasting a mind.  wasting a human being.  a human being filled with so many hopes and so many dreams hiding behind a computer.  hiding behind a phone.  complaining but not changing.  doing the same thing over but expecting different results.  you must do.  you must fail.  you must succeed.  you must live.  live each day as it is your very first day on earth.  or live life like it is your very last but DO NOT sit around and waste life.  that is unacceptable.  unacceptable even for an accepting man.

my life has been filled with many many losses and many many failures.  many many betrayals.  many many days filled without love.  without acceptance.  without care.  without understanding.  BUT I REFUSE TO LOSE.  I REFUSE TO GIVE UP.  I REFUSE TO GET BEATEN DOWN INTO SUBMISSION BY BORING RULES MADE UP BY BORING MEN.  BORING IS THE DEVIL TO ME.  THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN BORING IS DEATH.  A BORING LIFE IS A BORING DEATH.  GET OUT AND LIVE.  GET RID OF THE SUCKY ATTITUDES AND SUCKY SULKS AND GET OUT AND LIVE.  LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST WITHOUT ANY REGRETS.  WITHOUT ANY FEARS.  AND IF YOU HAVE FEARS THEN LIVE WITH THE FEARS BUT STILL LIVE.  DO NOT HIDE.  HIDING IS DYING.  LONELINESS IS PREVENTABLE.  IF YOU ARE LONELY AND SAD THEN FIGURE OUT WHY AND MAKE THE NECESSARY CHANGES TO EVOLVE.  TO TRANSFORM.  INSPIRE.  INSPIRE YOURSELF TO MOVE.  TO SHAKE.  TO WIN.  TO LOSE.  TO LET GO AND LIVE.

I AM ALWAYS WRONG BUT I KNOW THAT I AM RIGHT.

LEAVE ME ALONE.

JUST LET ME LIVE MY LIFE.

NO MORE HEADACHES.

NO MORE HASSLES.

NO MORE SULKY LOOKS.

NO MORE ANGRY LOOKS.

NO MORE SHAMEFUL LOOKS.

I AM ME.

AND WHEN I AM ON MY DEATHBED I WILL KNOW THAT I WAS RIGHT.  I LIVED.  I LOVED.  I LAUGHED.  I CRIED.  I PLAYED.  I TOOK A CHANCE.  A CHANCE TO LIVE THE BEST LIFE THAT I COULD POSSIBLY LIVE.

ONE LIFE????????

WHY WASTE IT???

I recently turned fifty two years old and the days are moving by quicker than before.  the days go by quicker.  the weeks go by quicker.  the months go by quicker.  the years go by quicker.  life will not slow down.  fast mind.  edgy heart.  SLOW DOWN.  SLOW DOWN.  SLOW DOWN.  but nothing slows down.  even long winters are going by quicker.  longing for the long lost hot long summers of the past when the days would start at 6am and go until 11pm.  road hockey.  tennis.  baseball.  soccer.  riding my bike.  playing KICK THE CAN.  NICKY NICKY NINE DOORS.  playing with friends.  flirting with girls.  eating fast food and running wild with few rules and even fewer responsibilities.  the summers were long.  the summers were hot.  the summers were fun.  never a dull moment.  never sitting still.  never sitting.  always moving.  always wanting.  always playing.  always hoping.  hoping for more.  wanting more.  needing more.  more is better than less but sometimes people will tell you that less is more but I don’t believe THEM.  THEM tell us lots of things and THEM is usually wrong.  think for yourself.  be yourself.  challenge the status quo.  challenge our leaders.  challenge authority.  challenge.  challenge.  challenge.  want more.  expect more.  more from our teachers.  more from our parents.  more from our coaches.  more from our managers.  more from our mayors.  more from our premiers.  and more from our prime ministers.  we should demand more.  expect more.  more inspiration.  less outdated rules.  less discipline and more encouragement.  more love.  more empathy.  less hatred.  less jealousy and more inclusion.

WHY CAN’T WE ALL GET ALONG?

WHY IS THERE STILL SO MUCH HATE?

WHY ARE THERE WARS?

WHY SO MANY MURDERS?

WHY SO MUCH BIGOTRY?

WHY SO MANY CAR ACCIDENTS?

WHY DO WE ELECT LOUSY LEADERS WHO NEVER INSPIRE?

memories from long ago bring happiness.

then they bring tears.

then they bring hope.

then anxiety?

then more hope.

more tears.

frustration.

happiness once again.

hope once again.

then feelings of love.

but then LOTS OF LOSS.

LOTS OF FEAR.

LOTS OF CONFUSION.

LOTS OF PAIN.

LOTS OF DISTRUST.

back to hope.

back to love.

some understanding.

years going by quicker.  quicker than before.

getting older.

hopes fading.

friends getting married.

losing friends and finding enemies.

many fights.

many wins but some bad losses.

lonely.

sad.

hope?

family.

wanting a normal family.

wanting what other’s had.

loving parents.

two parents.

a MOM.

a DAD.

losing a DAD.  not realizing how much of an impact that would have.   ten years old.  never seeing my Dad ever again.

LOST.

back now sore.

too much sitting.

aging.

thinking.  too much thinking.

memories.

such wonderful memories.

a beautiful wife.

a beautiful daughter.

people dying.

life whizzing by.

INSPIRATION.

INSPIRE.

NO HATE.

MORE LOVE.

MORE COMPASSION.

MORE FIRE.

MORE CONNECTION.

MORE CREATION.

LESS SITTING.

LESS PAIN.

LESS ANGST.

LOVE.

HOPE.

we hope.  and hope.  and hope.  and hope.

do.

to be or not to be.  that is the question.

DO NOT SIT.

MORE IS MORE.

KEEP MOVING IN SPITE OF THE PAIN.  IN SPITE OF THE LOSS.

CREATE.

CREATE.

CREATE.

not getting any younger.

sore back.

fight through the pain and CREATE.

make people feel in a “feelless” world.

LOVE EVERYONE.

cue the beautiful music.